Don't be this guy
Worst case scenario. Don't let this happen to YOU!
The holiday season means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. There are, however, at least two experiences that we all have in common. The first being our complete loss of basic human decency as we push through pregnant women, crippled children and the elderly to get our hands on this years hottest gift. The second is, of course, the dreaded office Christmas party. Remember last year? You still can't look Brenda from marketing in the eye can you? Somebody should have told you ornaments were flammable, right? Well, that's where I come in. The following are the top five behaviors to avoid at all costs. Getting drunk is optional, but highly recommended.
#5: Getting High
The only thing worse than being surrounded by drunk people who have the power to fire you, is being surrounded by drunk people who have the power to fire you while paranoid and hungry. Save this for the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer marathon later. You'll need it.
#4: "Forgetting" about the secret santa portion of the evening
No one will buy the fact that you "forgot" to pick up a ten dollar, crap-tastic gift for someone you barely know. Avoid the shame, stop at 7-11 on the way over and get some gift certificates or something, cheapskate.
#3: Telling the boss your awesome ideas about how to improve *blank*
Just because you read about it on the internet, that doesn't mean the CEO of your company is going to love the idea of rationing staples or installing hammocks or whatever. Remember: You are drunk and you work in the mailroom for a reason.
#2: Hitting on that hot new girl in marketing
She's probably in a state of near-panic to begin with. The last thing she needs is your drunk ass shuffling over and asking her what she wants for Christmas. Then telling her you have something you'd like to stuff in her stocking. Then taking her arm and leading her forcibly towards the men's room. The last thing you need is another restraining order.
#1: Suggesting the local strip joint as the logical next phase of the party
Leading the charge to Tom's Cats Adult Entertainment may seem like a good idea after a dozen shots of jagermeister. Some fellow alcoholics may even follow you. The ones that don't, however, will remember your vile "suggestion" and you will forever be branded "the office pervert". It's not as bad as being branded "the office sociopath", but it's close. It's damn close.
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