Why Couldn't The Pirate Get In To See The Movie?...Because It Was Rated Arrrrrr!

In honour of the release of Pirates of The Caribbean: At World's End today, I have assembled a list of the top five pirates to ever swagger drunkenly onto the silver screen. Movie pirates are often characterized by their strict adherence to stereotypes, outrageous overacting and their tendency to be played by some of the most gifted actors in Hollywood. The following five are no exception. So grab a bottle of rum, gouge out one of your eyes, find a parrot to molest, sit back and enjoy the list.

1. Captain Jack Sparrow (a.k.a. Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean)

Was there ever any doubt who would make the number one spot? Depp easily blows the competition out of the water with his twisted, salty portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow. He single-handedly made pirates "cool" again and rescued an otherwise by-the-numbers summer popcorn flick from mediocrity.

2. Captain Long John Silver (a.k.a Tim Curry, Muppet Treasure Island)



Everything is better with muppets. Everything. So why should this classic tale by Robert Louis Stevenson be any different? Perhaps the only thing better than muppets dressed up as pirates is Tim Curry (whatever happened to him anyway?) as the mutinous Captain Long John Silver. While he may not be the "manliest" pirate on the list he knows how to handle a pistol and he's got a mean singing voice. And he has one of the best sword fights ever filmed with Kermit the Frog. 'Nuff said.

3. Captain Hook (a.k.a Dustin Hoffman, Hook)



One of the most underrated movies of all time features one of best performances of Dustin Hoffman's career. Captain Hook is sort of the "James Bond" of Pirates, he's been played by so many different actors. Well, Dustin Hoffman is the "Sean Connery" of Captain Hooks. No one has ever played this seminal villian with a more over-the-top, balls-out performance. Shame that he has to get his ass kicked by a balding, pudgy Robin Williams. But these kind of risks come with the pirate territory.

4. The Dread Pirate Roberts (a.k.a. Cary Elwes, The Princess Bride)



Bringing this one home from the video store on a Saturday night when your girlfriend sends you out for a movie is a win-win situation. First of all, it is an amazingly awesome movie in every way, and secondly it will almost guarantee that you get some action that night. Why? Well, mostly because of Cary Elwes sly portrayal of The Dread Pirate Roberts, a.k.a The Man in Black, a.k.a. Westley. Not only does he look like he just stepped off the cover of a trashy romance novel, he is funny AND intelligent. He looses points for not having enough of that "pirate grit", but he gains a few for getting to bang Robin Wright. High Five Cary!

5. Steve The Pirate (a.k.a Alan Tudyk, Dodgeball)



Okay, so he's not a pirate in the traditional sense and I admit, I'm not even sure who the hell Alan Tudyk is, but there is something unspeakably beautiful about a grown man who thinks he is a pirate and plays professional Dodgeball. Steve is either a genius or insane, or both. Whatever the case, we can be sure of one thing; Steve has paved the way for random pirate characters in movies. I don't think I'm alone in saying that we need to see more of this. Can you imagine if Gone With The Wind had a random pirate character who would show up and utter cryptic sayings and then sail away on his civil-war era pirate ship? Now that's a movie I'd like to see!

The Top 5 Signs of Spring

Looking for signs of hope where there is none is what I do here at Infinite Monkeys. And there is no greater or more pathetic false hope than that of an early spring. The cold madness of February and March drives us to such insane extremes as tanning beds, alcoholism and the weather predicting prowess of small, fuzzy rodents.


Those of us attuned to the ebb and flow of pop culture, however, have been seeing some very real signs of spring these last few weeks. So put down the sleeping pills, untie the noose and take comfort in these five signs that summer is on its way. Or not. Better keep the pills handy, just in case....


1. Tim Horton's Roll up the Rim to Win Promotion

Caffine addicts all over the world (well, in Canada anyway) have long known that "Timmies" annual rim-rolling contest is a sure sign that the warm weather is right around the corner. Nothing says "spring" like sloshing scalding hot coffee all over yourself while unrolling a paper rim with your teeth. As Ralph Wiggum would say: "Tastes like burning!"



2. Movies start sucking a little less




Everybody knows that January and February are the dumping grounds for all of the studios unwatchable crap. As if being cold and depressed wasn't enough, we have to sit through Wild Hogs and Ghost Rider. It's like adding insult to injury. But wait, what's this? 300? That movie actually looks...uhhh...GOOD! Hurray! The summer movie season can't be far behind! Bring on Spiderman 3 and the Transformers! I'll see you at the beach!


3. Daylight savings time begins



Those of us who can't figure out how to actually set our clocks ahead an hour (my damn car stereo confounds me every year!), don't worry, everything will be back to normal in November. My advice: Just leave it. Hey, you left your Christmas lights up didn't you? What's the difference?

4. The subtle shift in targeted advertisements on T.V.


After being force-fed ads for prescription anti-depressants, gym memberships and cigarette-quitting paraphernalia all winter, advertisers are finally starting to roll out their "summer programming". Now they are trying to sell us things like new cars, spring clothing and ummm..gym membershps. Because your rolls of fat don't care what time of the year it is.

5. The guy that plays guitar in front of the liquor store is back.

Temperatures of -30 degrees and six feet of snow are no longer forcing him into self-imposed exile. You can once again enjoy a rambling, off-key rendition of Greensleeves with your brand new bottle of whiskey! Don't forget to throw me some spare change. Errr..I mean HIM...Did I say "me"? Hey, blogging doesn't pay what it used to.

Five Valentine's Day Gifts that Keep on Givin'

Is it just me, or is Valentine's day starting to look more and more like Christmas? Advertisers and retailers love to use the ever-popular "guilt leverage" to make us think that if we don't get Valentine's Day "right" we will die sad and alone. This of course translates to huge sales of flowers, chocolates and frilly pink teddy bears in our one-day attempt to make up for 364 days of insensitive psychological abuse.

This year, show someone you REALLY love them by getting them any one (or all) of these gifts that keep on giving. Face it, you're going to die sad and alone eventually, no amount of flowers and chocolates is gonna' change that....

1. A Burial Plot

Arranging for your lover's eternal resting place shows that you care about more than just how their ass looks in those jeans. It shows that you care about their FUTURE. It also serves as a subtle reminder that they are stuck with you for the rest of their natural life. It might be awkward at first, but trust me, they'll appreciate it eventually. Or else....

2. Cosmetic Surgery

Why waste all that time searching for the perfect mate when you can just build one? You're "imperfect" mate will surely appreciate your efforts to strengthen the relationship. After all, whoever said "True beauty is on the inside" was obviously some hideously deformed circus freak.

3. A Self Portrait



Who wouldn't love a five-foot tall oil painting of yours truly? Best if mounted directly above the bed to remind your main-squeeze of the ultra-sexy beast they have the honor of sleeping beside every night.

*Bonus: The "eyes" make a great place to mount a discreet little webcam for those times when you need blackmail material or evidence of his/her unfaithfulness!

4. A signed copy of your manifesto

Tired of hiding your true feelings? Now's the time to give someone you love access to your deepest, darkest thoughts! It will demonstrate your willingness to be open, honest and direct. It will also implicate somene else in your nefarious plot, so as to take some of the heat off of you when the Feds bust down the door.

5. An STD

The couple that applies medicated ointments togeather STAYS togeather! A gift like this demonstrates your willingness to share. He/She will never forget you. The genital warts will see to that.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Now THAT's Cold

Where the hell is global warming when we really need it? I've left my car's engine idling for three straight days in the hopes that might speed things along, but the damn polar ice caps are still there and Al Gore is still alive. Come on people! If we're going to crank up mother nature's furnace, let's get to it already! Some of us haven't been outside in three days, and those of us brave enough to attempt it have died of exposure within minutes. Damn you environmental activists! First you take all the fun out of clubbing baby seals, and now this?!?!

Ahem....Sorry about all that. I'm having a hard time maintaining my "happy place" in the face of these unbelievably cold temperatures. It's been somewhere in the neighborhood of -20 degrees celcius here for the past week, and I'm just not built for this crap. There are only so many tea parties a guy can have with his stuffed animal "friends" before cabin fever starts to make dying of frostbite seem like a reasonable alternative.

In the interest of staying sane for one more day, I've decided to put a little Infinite Monkey spin on that frigid, heartless bitch we call Mother Nature. Here are the top five movies in which bone-numbing, knife-in-the-guts COLD has a starring role....

1. Alive (1993)

I don't think anyone will ever forget this based-on-a-true story about what the Uruguayan rugby team had to do to survive after their plane crashed in the Andes. I'm in danger of freezing to death just thinking about it. I'm also a little hungry...Hey Nando, you gonna eat all that?










2. Cliffhanger (1993)

Or as I like to call it: Rambo in the Rockies. Sly had his hands full with an overacting John Lithgow, a mountain full of machine gun weilding bad guys and the need to climb a bunch of stuff. Who needs survival gear? Not Rocky. He just has to flex his rippling muscles to warm up, and if that doesn't do it, he just punches the snowstorm right in the face.







3. Fargo (1996)

The Coen brothers won 2 Oscars for this funny yet unsettling film about a small-town murder and the tenacious, very pregnant policewoman who tracks down the bumbling perpetrators. The nasty Minnesota winter is front and center here, making a little trip headfirst through the ole' woodchipper look downright cozy.




4. March of The Penguins (2005)

I have to be honest here. I don't trust flightless birds. Who do they think they're kidding? I have a sneaking suspicion that they just want us to think they can't fly. That way, when the uprising comes they can take us by surprise. At least we have them trapped in a place where tempratures of -60 degrees celcius are beating them into submission.

I don't recommend watching this movie without a winter parka and lots of whisky. Also, a box of kleenex for when you...ummm...You know, get something in your eye and stuff....

Curse you flightless birds, you've emasculated me again!




5. The Thing (1982)

John Carpenter's horror masterpiece forces us to contemplate a nasty lose-lose situation. A gruesome death at the hands of a slimy, shapeshifting alien thing, or slowly freezing to death in the Antarctic. Personally, I'd take my chances with the alien. I mean, it got it's ass handed to it by Kurt Russell, how bad could it be?

Here's a good rule of thumb: The next time you find a giant alien spacecraft buried beneath the ice, just leave it alone. I have never, and I repeat, NEVER seen anything good come of poking around in there.




That's all I can think of at the moment. My thoughts are getting sluggish...feeling a little sleepy...I think I'll just close my eyes for a minute...You guys go on without me...I'll be fine. Just need. A little. Sleep.

Top 5 Worst Things You Can Do at the Office Christmas Party

Don't be this guy

Worst case scenario. Don't let this happen to YOU!

The holiday season means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. There are, however, at least two experiences that we all have in common. The first being our complete loss of basic human decency as we push through pregnant women, crippled children and the elderly to get our hands on this years hottest gift. The second is, of course, the dreaded office Christmas party. Remember last year? You still can't look Brenda from marketing in the eye can you? Somebody should have told you ornaments were flammable, right? Well, that's where I come in. The following are the top five behaviors to avoid at all costs. Getting drunk is optional, but highly recommended.

#5: Getting High

The only thing worse than being surrounded by drunk people who have the power to fire you, is being surrounded by drunk people who have the power to fire you while paranoid and hungry. Save this for the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer marathon later. You'll need it.

#4: "Forgetting" about the secret santa portion of the evening

No one will buy the fact that you "forgot" to pick up a ten dollar, crap-tastic gift for someone you barely know. Avoid the shame, stop at 7-11 on the way over and get some gift certificates or something, cheapskate.

#3: Telling the boss your awesome ideas about how to improve *blank*

Just because you read about it on the internet, that doesn't mean the CEO of your company is going to love the idea of rationing staples or installing hammocks or whatever. Remember: You are drunk and you work in the mailroom for a reason.

#2: Hitting on that hot new girl in marketing

She's probably in a state of near-panic to begin with. The last thing she needs is your drunk ass shuffling over and asking her what she wants for Christmas. Then telling her you have something you'd like to stuff in her stocking. Then taking her arm and leading her forcibly towards the men's room. The last thing you need is another restraining order.

#1: Suggesting the local strip joint as the logical next phase of the party

Leading the charge to Tom's Cats Adult Entertainment may seem like a good idea after a dozen shots of jagermeister. Some fellow alcoholics may even follow you. The ones that don't, however, will remember your vile "suggestion" and you will forever be branded "the office pervert". It's not as bad as being branded "the office sociopath", but it's close. It's damn close.

Halloween...Your last chance to forage

Halloween is nearly upon us again and for many of us it's crunch time. Financially disadvantaged people all across this great country will be taking to the streets in an attempt to stock up on enough high-calorie food to survive the coming winter. However, the pagan ritual of dressing in a costume proves to be an insurmountable roadblock for those of us who can barely afford a six-pack. The good news is, if you follow any of these five simple suggestions, you can fool the average suburbanite into thinking you are just another over-fed kid with a sack full of candy. I'm here to save lives. It's what I do.

1. The Derelict

This one shouldn't be too much of a stretch for you. You may want to first consider having a shower to wash some of the filth off, otherwise it'll just look like overkill. Put on as many ill-fitting clothes as you own, covering up the whole works with the creepy trench coat you used to flash sorority girls last summer. Finally, it helps to carry around a small, dead animal which you should constantly stroke and whisper to. TA-DA! you're a derelict. Now go get some candy!

2. The Delivery Man

This one may require the use of a piece of your furniture, ie: a large cardboard box or milk carton. Dig out the "gay" collered shirt your ex-mother-in-law gave you for Christmas three years ago. Still fit? Good. Now use a permanent marker to write "UPS" on the left breast, making sure that the spelling is correct. Now grab that box and go deliver it, delivery guy! Bonus: you can put all your candy loot RIGHT IN THE BOX!

3. Captain Tin Foil

You'll need the assistance of your buddy/social worker/parole officer for this one. First strip naked, (you can leave your underwear on if you like, to prevent chafing). Next, have your assistant wrap every bit of your exposed flesh in bright, shiny tin foil! Don't forget eye and beathing holes, otherwise captain tin foil's crime fighting and candy gathering career could meet a tragic end.

4. Pile O' Leaves

Apply two-sided tape to any comfortable, loose-fitting clothing (except your Tesla tour shirt 'cause it might get wrecked and it's bad-ass). Next, simply roll around in the big pile of leaves that your neighbor spent all morning raking. Once you are suitably covered, the candy is as good as yours. For added effect, scream and run away every time you see a rake.

5. The Dateline NBC Internet Predator

You'll have to start this one about a month in advance. Step one: Grow a big, creepy moustache. Step Two: get a bottle of peach schnapps and carry it around with you at all times. Step Three: Practise these six simple words over and over: "I just came here to talk". Add a pair of oversized sunglasses and you're all set! You may want to stay away from public schools while you are getting into character, unless you have already been court-ordered to do so. In that case house arrest may prevent you from trick-or-treating at all.