Halloween is nearly upon us again and for many of us it's crunch time. Financially disadvantaged people all across this great country will be taking to the streets in an attempt to stock up on enough high-calorie food to survive the coming winter. However, the pagan ritual of dressing in a costume proves to be an insurmountable roadblock for those of us who can barely afford a six-pack. The good news is, if you follow any of these five simple suggestions, you can fool the average suburbanite into thinking you are just another over-fed kid with a sack full of candy. I'm here to save lives. It's what I do.
1. The Derelict
This one shouldn't be too much of a stretch for you. You may want to first consider having a shower to wash some of the filth off, otherwise it'll just look like overkill. Put on as many ill-fitting clothes as you own, covering up the whole works with the creepy trench coat you used to flash sorority girls last summer. Finally, it helps to carry around a small, dead animal which you should constantly stroke and whisper to. TA-DA! you're a derelict. Now go get some candy!
2. The Delivery Man
This one may require the use of a piece of your furniture, ie: a large cardboard box or milk carton. Dig out the "gay" collered shirt your ex-mother-in-law gave you for Christmas three years ago. Still fit? Good. Now use a permanent marker to write "UPS" on the left breast, making sure that the spelling is correct. Now grab that box and go deliver it, delivery guy! Bonus: you can put all your candy loot RIGHT IN THE BOX!
3. Captain Tin Foil
You'll need the assistance of your buddy/social worker/parole officer for this one. First strip naked, (you can leave your underwear on if you like, to prevent chafing). Next, have your assistant wrap every bit of your exposed flesh in bright, shiny tin foil! Don't forget eye and beathing holes, otherwise captain tin foil's crime fighting and candy gathering career could meet a tragic end.
4. Pile O' Leaves
Apply two-sided tape to any comfortable, loose-fitting clothing (except your Tesla tour shirt 'cause it might get wrecked and it's bad-ass). Next, simply roll around in the big pile of leaves that your neighbor spent all morning raking. Once you are suitably covered, the candy is as good as yours. For added effect, scream and run away every time you see a rake.
5. The Dateline NBC Internet Predator
You'll have to start this one about a month in advance. Step one: Grow a big, creepy moustache. Step Two: get a bottle of peach schnapps and carry it around with you at all times. Step Three: Practise these six simple words over and over: "I just came here to talk". Add a pair of oversized sunglasses and you're all set! You may want to stay away from public schools while you are getting into character, unless you have already been court-ordered to do so. In that case house arrest may prevent you from trick-or-treating at all.
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