Now THAT's Cold

Where the hell is global warming when we really need it? I've left my car's engine idling for three straight days in the hopes that might speed things along, but the damn polar ice caps are still there and Al Gore is still alive. Come on people! If we're going to crank up mother nature's furnace, let's get to it already! Some of us haven't been outside in three days, and those of us brave enough to attempt it have died of exposure within minutes. Damn you environmental activists! First you take all the fun out of clubbing baby seals, and now this?!?!

Ahem....Sorry about all that. I'm having a hard time maintaining my "happy place" in the face of these unbelievably cold temperatures. It's been somewhere in the neighborhood of -20 degrees celcius here for the past week, and I'm just not built for this crap. There are only so many tea parties a guy can have with his stuffed animal "friends" before cabin fever starts to make dying of frostbite seem like a reasonable alternative.

In the interest of staying sane for one more day, I've decided to put a little Infinite Monkey spin on that frigid, heartless bitch we call Mother Nature. Here are the top five movies in which bone-numbing, knife-in-the-guts COLD has a starring role....

1. Alive (1993)

I don't think anyone will ever forget this based-on-a-true story about what the Uruguayan rugby team had to do to survive after their plane crashed in the Andes. I'm in danger of freezing to death just thinking about it. I'm also a little hungry...Hey Nando, you gonna eat all that?










2. Cliffhanger (1993)

Or as I like to call it: Rambo in the Rockies. Sly had his hands full with an overacting John Lithgow, a mountain full of machine gun weilding bad guys and the need to climb a bunch of stuff. Who needs survival gear? Not Rocky. He just has to flex his rippling muscles to warm up, and if that doesn't do it, he just punches the snowstorm right in the face.







3. Fargo (1996)

The Coen brothers won 2 Oscars for this funny yet unsettling film about a small-town murder and the tenacious, very pregnant policewoman who tracks down the bumbling perpetrators. The nasty Minnesota winter is front and center here, making a little trip headfirst through the ole' woodchipper look downright cozy.




4. March of The Penguins (2005)

I have to be honest here. I don't trust flightless birds. Who do they think they're kidding? I have a sneaking suspicion that they just want us to think they can't fly. That way, when the uprising comes they can take us by surprise. At least we have them trapped in a place where tempratures of -60 degrees celcius are beating them into submission.

I don't recommend watching this movie without a winter parka and lots of whisky. Also, a box of kleenex for when you...ummm...You know, get something in your eye and stuff....

Curse you flightless birds, you've emasculated me again!




5. The Thing (1982)

John Carpenter's horror masterpiece forces us to contemplate a nasty lose-lose situation. A gruesome death at the hands of a slimy, shapeshifting alien thing, or slowly freezing to death in the Antarctic. Personally, I'd take my chances with the alien. I mean, it got it's ass handed to it by Kurt Russell, how bad could it be?

Here's a good rule of thumb: The next time you find a giant alien spacecraft buried beneath the ice, just leave it alone. I have never, and I repeat, NEVER seen anything good come of poking around in there.




That's all I can think of at the moment. My thoughts are getting sluggish...feeling a little sleepy...I think I'll just close my eyes for a minute...You guys go on without me...I'll be fine. Just need. A little. Sleep.