A Crack in Everything

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in."

-Anthem
Leonard Cohen

I post this with a great deal of trepidaton. Why? Because it's about me. The format of Infinite Monkeys dictates that I do not let you people into my head in any signifiicant way.

It's dark in there. Filled with voices.

Recently however, a tiny crack has appeared in my armor, letting in a little ray of light. This is what it has illuminated:

Sometimes the things we love the most are the things that unwind us. We give away so much of ourselves in this life, but life is an insatiable beast and once in a while, it asks for a little bit more. It asks for something that we hold onto so tightly, that one little thing that we thought we could keep, that tiny little, shiny thing. That one pure thing. We cry, kick and scream at the injustice of it all, but in the end we give it away. And it's absence leaves a hole that can never be filled.

Two days ago, this very thing was demanded of me. I placed it on the altar of sacrifice and it was gone. I hid a little piece of it inside my heart, though. A piece that no insatiable beast can ever take away. Here is what I kept:

That image of you, framed in a kitchen doorway playing your guitar as if I wasn't even there.
That secret half-smile at a joke only you understood.
That moment of levity in the midst of an African benefit.
That passion, conviction and uniqueness of vision that exsits in your art.
That tiny little, shiny thing that I will never explain. Because no one would understand.

For what it is worth: Happy Valentine's Day. This tiny little crack that lets in the light is a gift. I will never give it away. Not in this lifetime. Not in the next.