Five Valentine's Day Gifts that Keep on Givin'

Is it just me, or is Valentine's day starting to look more and more like Christmas? Advertisers and retailers love to use the ever-popular "guilt leverage" to make us think that if we don't get Valentine's Day "right" we will die sad and alone. This of course translates to huge sales of flowers, chocolates and frilly pink teddy bears in our one-day attempt to make up for 364 days of insensitive psychological abuse.

This year, show someone you REALLY love them by getting them any one (or all) of these gifts that keep on giving. Face it, you're going to die sad and alone eventually, no amount of flowers and chocolates is gonna' change that....

1. A Burial Plot

Arranging for your lover's eternal resting place shows that you care about more than just how their ass looks in those jeans. It shows that you care about their FUTURE. It also serves as a subtle reminder that they are stuck with you for the rest of their natural life. It might be awkward at first, but trust me, they'll appreciate it eventually. Or else....

2. Cosmetic Surgery

Why waste all that time searching for the perfect mate when you can just build one? You're "imperfect" mate will surely appreciate your efforts to strengthen the relationship. After all, whoever said "True beauty is on the inside" was obviously some hideously deformed circus freak.

3. A Self Portrait



Who wouldn't love a five-foot tall oil painting of yours truly? Best if mounted directly above the bed to remind your main-squeeze of the ultra-sexy beast they have the honor of sleeping beside every night.

*Bonus: The "eyes" make a great place to mount a discreet little webcam for those times when you need blackmail material or evidence of his/her unfaithfulness!

4. A signed copy of your manifesto

Tired of hiding your true feelings? Now's the time to give someone you love access to your deepest, darkest thoughts! It will demonstrate your willingness to be open, honest and direct. It will also implicate somene else in your nefarious plot, so as to take some of the heat off of you when the Feds bust down the door.

5. An STD

The couple that applies medicated ointments togeather STAYS togeather! A gift like this demonstrates your willingness to share. He/She will never forget you. The genital warts will see to that.

Happy Valentine's Day!