The Walmart War

Yesterday, January 24th at approximately 0730 hours a brand new 220,000 square-foot Walmart "Super"Store declared war on my quaint little town of 70,000 souls. Thousands of sleep-deprived soldiers, armed with promotional sales flyers stormed the gates and pillaged cheap bikes, portable phones and screwdriver sets. The only thing this invading army of value shoppers didn't do was set fire to the fortress on their way out. The 625 Walmart warriors somehow managed to calm the mob with plastic smiles and offers of free cookies and lottery tickets.

The war was over before it even began. The things I witnessed that fateful January morning will haunt my nightmares for years....

I witnessed people shuffling like dead-eyed zombies down the endless rows of cheap, plastic crap. I witnessed small children being subtly brainwashed by giant, corporate mascots like Ronald McDonald and The Hamburgler. I actually witnessed a man being shoved roughly aside because he was standing too close to one of the THREE entrances and was, evidently in somebody's way.

We might as well embrace our new corporate masters, so repeat after me:

"We don't really need jobs that pay a liveable wage and small, locally-owned businesses are just annoying with all that customer service bullshit. I would much rather support communist China by shopping for sweatshop-made goods at my brand-new Super Walmart!"

Do me a favour; before you go out to score your next Walmart fix, watch this movie. Afterward, if you still feel the need to buy all your useless crap there, try starting a small fire in the menswear section. Maybe we can burn the fucking thing down after all. Viva La Revolution!