We Can Still Win This Thing!

In The Know: Our Troops In Iraq



The brand-spanking new Onion News Network has proposed a radical new strategy for winning the war in Iraq. Oddly enough though, this isn't the first time using civil war re-enactors has been suggested. I laid it all out in my manifesto entitled "12 Ways to Win in Iraq" which I sent to the American government two years ago. I imagine some crafty politician is using my ideas even now, claiming they are his own. I sure hope it's Barack Obama. With my help, nothing can stop him! Here are a few of my other suggestions:

1. Send in the women of the WWE. Nothing strikes terror into the hearts of fundamentalist Muslims more than strong women. There is a reason they have been oppressing them for centuries.

2. Two words: Chuck Norris

3. Tell the enemy about the evil race of space aliens that is about to invade Earth and turn people into food. This will force us all to band togeather against a common threat! Then, when the aliens don't show up, yell "April Fools!" and throw them all into Guantanamo.

4. Demoralize the enemy by acting like the war is over and we've already won. Oh, wait....Nevermind.

5. Start production of "Iraq Idol". Shows such as this are proven to turn the population of entire countries into slack-jawed, apethetic simpletons.

6. Employ the Catholic church to send in priests armed with bibles to convert the Godless heathens to Christianity. We'll call it a "crusade". This way no one will get hurt. Just like the last "crusade".

7. Air drop crates filled with fast food, marijuana and Sony Playstations. The enemy will be too busy "chillin' out" to fight.

Hopefully my suggestions will help bring an end to this insane war. I'm here to save lives. It's what I do.