The Terror

Author: Dan Simmons

There really is no "good" way to die. However, some methods of shuffling off this mortal coil are definitely worse than others. After reading The Terror, I can think of no worse way than slowly wasting away from scurvy. It's slow, painful and includes symptoms such as bleeding from hair follicles, bruising that never heals and blackend, receeding gums. I've been drinking seven glasses of orange juice every day. Better to be safe than sorry.

All of this and more befalls the 127 men of the ill-fated John Franklin expedition to find the legendary Northwest Passage in the winter of 1847. Their two ships, Erebus and Terror find themselves frozen in the ice above northern Canada for more than three years, forcing the men to abandon ship and make their way overland across the unrelenting ice. Spoiled food stores, killing cold and rampant scurvy are just the beginning. Some massive, inhuman thing is stalking them across the ice. A giant predator that exhibits a malevolent intelligence and super-human strength and cunning.

Simmons is one hell of a storyteller, and he is in top form here. His characters are immediately identifiable and pathos-inducing. His narrative deftly shifts perspectives and each one is truly unique. Whether we are viewing events through the eyes of the hardened leader, Captain Francis Crozier, or through the earnest diary entries of the ship's surgeon, Dr. Harry D.S. Goodsir, Simmons imbues each with the spark of life that is so rare in most modern fiction these days. It is a brilliant story well told, what more could you possibly ask of any novel?

One small caveat: This book is not for the squeamish. Simmons never flinches away from descriptions of men dying horrific deaths. Lots of men. In fact, I wouldn't even recommend reading this one during or after eating. Keep lots of fresh fruit and vegetables handy though, you DO NOT want to die of scurvy.

Score: 10/12 monkeys

We Can Still Win This Thing!

In The Know: Our Troops In Iraq



The brand-spanking new Onion News Network has proposed a radical new strategy for winning the war in Iraq. Oddly enough though, this isn't the first time using civil war re-enactors has been suggested. I laid it all out in my manifesto entitled "12 Ways to Win in Iraq" which I sent to the American government two years ago. I imagine some crafty politician is using my ideas even now, claiming they are his own. I sure hope it's Barack Obama. With my help, nothing can stop him! Here are a few of my other suggestions:

1. Send in the women of the WWE. Nothing strikes terror into the hearts of fundamentalist Muslims more than strong women. There is a reason they have been oppressing them for centuries.

2. Two words: Chuck Norris

3. Tell the enemy about the evil race of space aliens that is about to invade Earth and turn people into food. This will force us all to band togeather against a common threat! Then, when the aliens don't show up, yell "April Fools!" and throw them all into Guantanamo.

4. Demoralize the enemy by acting like the war is over and we've already won. Oh, wait....Nevermind.

5. Start production of "Iraq Idol". Shows such as this are proven to turn the population of entire countries into slack-jawed, apethetic simpletons.

6. Employ the Catholic church to send in priests armed with bibles to convert the Godless heathens to Christianity. We'll call it a "crusade". This way no one will get hurt. Just like the last "crusade".

7. Air drop crates filled with fast food, marijuana and Sony Playstations. The enemy will be too busy "chillin' out" to fight.

Hopefully my suggestions will help bring an end to this insane war. I'm here to save lives. It's what I do.

The Bob Lee Swagger Saga

With Shooter opening today, millions of people will be rushing into theatres to watch Mark Wahlberg shoot stuff and macho it up as the redneck war hero Bob Lee Swagger. The early reviews have been lukewarm at best and the overall opinion of most critics is that the story is filled with plot holes big enough to drive a tank through. Never fear my friends, Infinite Monkeys is here to save the day! As usual. What would you do without me? On second thought, don't answer that.

Before you hit the theatres, hit your local book store and pick up Stephen Hunter's Point of Impact. And while you're at it, grab the other two books in the Bob Lee Swagger saga as well. Hunter is one of the most underrated writers of the modern thriller working today. His books are nail-biting edge-of-your-seat thrill rides (damn I hate using that stupid cliche, but I can't think of a better way to describe them.) They are also intelligent and extremely well written. Here's the list:

Point of Impact, Black Light and Time to Hunt. Don't let a second-rate movie based on a novel fool you, this is a great story. Read them as a trilogy and impress your friends with your intimate knowledge of ballistics and sniper techniques. In fact, after you are finished all three a man will show up at your door and hand you a gun license. True story.

It's St. Patrick's Day. I'm Drunk. Of Course.

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day" - Frank Sinatra

I am 1/16th Irish. That's right. My uncle's best friend's neighbour owns an Irish Setter and I drink. A lot. In fact, I am drinking a lot right now. I've been known to go weeks without a shower, I eat potatoes more often than can be considered healthy and I have an instinctive hatred for the British. The fact that I wasn't born in, nor have I ever been to Ireland is irrelevant. Being 1/16th Irish isn't about heritage. It's a state of mind.

I also speak a little Gaelic. I'm not quite fluent, but I know enough to earn some street cred in my local Irish pub. Here's some basic phrases to keep handy this St. Patrick's Day:

"Ta spionaiste i do fhiacla!" - "Another Guinness, wench!"

"An bhliain seo nach, me ar longin" - "I've pissed my pants. Again."

"Tiernanog orna niech min i fichten!" - "I'll kick all of your asses!"

"Ghoid Leipreachain mo bheoir" - "The evil leprechaun stole my pants."

"Pog me, Is sortin eireannach tier ma crib" -"Let's go back to my crib and play 'hide the shileighle.'"

In the spirit of this great celebration, here's a little Dropkick Murphy's (aka The Greatest Band on Earth)....

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

300

Directed by: Zack Snyder
Starring: Gerard Butler
Based on the graphic novel by Frank Miller

Looking for the ultimate guys night out? Just follow these simple instructions for a celebration of all things testosterone...

Step 1: Round up a bunch of immature, emotionally handicapped, beer-swilling buddies (cost: $0).

Step 2: Hit your local "adult entertainment" establishment for a pre-movie drink (cost: approx $10.00 but your mileage may vary).

Step 3: Go see 300 (cost: $9.00).

Step 4: Post-movie beer and chicken wings at Hooters (cost: varies depending on your level of alcoholism $10.00 - $100.00).

Step 5: Bask in the glory of feeling like a Spartan warrior. Women swoon and lesser men tremble at your sheer awesomeness (cost: Priceless).

While I've never actually read Frank Miller's graphic novel, I did read Steven Pressfield's Gates of Fire about eight years ago and I remember thinking at the time that it would make an awesome movie. Well, nearly a decade later computer animation has finally caught up with my imagination and brought this ultra-violent spectacle to life on the big screen.

Blood sprays profusely in anime-style abundance. Limbs and heads are cleaved from their bodies. Spears, swords, axes and arrows eviscerate, skewer and generally perforate unlucky victims. All with a grinding, techno-rock track pounding in the background. This, my friends is the ULTIMATE guys movie...



The CGI visuals evoke a hazy, dreamlike quality, which is actually perfect for a film that would have seemed absurd and cheesy if it had been filmed in the "traditional" fashion. In fact, if you can look beyond the brutal, gritty violence you will see a visual work of art that is incredibly beautiful in it's own right.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go slaughter some Persians. Wait....What? The Persian Empire collapsed over 2000 years ago? I guess I'll just have to make do with my stuffed animals then...Allright Mr. Fuzzy Bear/God-King Xerxes, prepare for some Spartan ass-whooping!

Score: 10/12 monkeys

The Top 5 Signs of Spring

Looking for signs of hope where there is none is what I do here at Infinite Monkeys. And there is no greater or more pathetic false hope than that of an early spring. The cold madness of February and March drives us to such insane extremes as tanning beds, alcoholism and the weather predicting prowess of small, fuzzy rodents.


Those of us attuned to the ebb and flow of pop culture, however, have been seeing some very real signs of spring these last few weeks. So put down the sleeping pills, untie the noose and take comfort in these five signs that summer is on its way. Or not. Better keep the pills handy, just in case....


1. Tim Horton's Roll up the Rim to Win Promotion

Caffine addicts all over the world (well, in Canada anyway) have long known that "Timmies" annual rim-rolling contest is a sure sign that the warm weather is right around the corner. Nothing says "spring" like sloshing scalding hot coffee all over yourself while unrolling a paper rim with your teeth. As Ralph Wiggum would say: "Tastes like burning!"



2. Movies start sucking a little less




Everybody knows that January and February are the dumping grounds for all of the studios unwatchable crap. As if being cold and depressed wasn't enough, we have to sit through Wild Hogs and Ghost Rider. It's like adding insult to injury. But wait, what's this? 300? That movie actually looks...uhhh...GOOD! Hurray! The summer movie season can't be far behind! Bring on Spiderman 3 and the Transformers! I'll see you at the beach!


3. Daylight savings time begins



Those of us who can't figure out how to actually set our clocks ahead an hour (my damn car stereo confounds me every year!), don't worry, everything will be back to normal in November. My advice: Just leave it. Hey, you left your Christmas lights up didn't you? What's the difference?

4. The subtle shift in targeted advertisements on T.V.


After being force-fed ads for prescription anti-depressants, gym memberships and cigarette-quitting paraphernalia all winter, advertisers are finally starting to roll out their "summer programming". Now they are trying to sell us things like new cars, spring clothing and ummm..gym membershps. Because your rolls of fat don't care what time of the year it is.

5. The guy that plays guitar in front of the liquor store is back.

Temperatures of -30 degrees and six feet of snow are no longer forcing him into self-imposed exile. You can once again enjoy a rambling, off-key rendition of Greensleeves with your brand new bottle of whiskey! Don't forget to throw me some spare change. Errr..I mean HIM...Did I say "me"? Hey, blogging doesn't pay what it used to.

Gates of Fire

Author: Steven Pressfield

In honor of the release of 300 today, I thought I would share with you one of the best books ever written about the legendary Battle of Thermopylae.

It's 480 B.C. and the million-strong Persian army is set to lay the smackdown on Greece, thereby extinguishing the first fertile fires of Democracy. In order to buy time for the rest of Greece to get it's act togeather, 300 Spartans and their allies embark on a suicide mission to the pass of Thermopylae, a narrow mountain pass above the Aegean sea. It is here that these crazy-brave warriors, led by King Leonidas, hold off more than 100,000 Persians for the better part of a week. It is one of the most valiant stands in military history, and it bought the rest of Greece the time it needed to rally it's armies and eventually repel the Persian host

Pressfield gets down and dirty with his prose as he describes this viscious battle in painstaking detail. Every tactic, technique and "dirty trick" employed by the Spartans in their desprate fight is lovingly detailed here. The narrative style is brilliant, adding a sense of suspense and immediacy to a battle with a pre-determined outcome.

When Xerxes, the leader of the Persian army demanded that the doomed Spartans lay down their arms, Leonidas' replied simply, with two words: "Molon labe". Roughly translated: "Come and get them". That, my friends, is the very definition of BALLS.

Here's the trailer for 300. If it even comes close to telling this story as well as Stephen Pressfield did in this amazing novel, I'll be first in line at the movie theatre....

300 - movie trailer

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Score: 11/12 ass-kicking Spartan monkeys!

A Public Service Annoucement

Saint Patrick's Day is just around the corner and that means that any self-respecting (or self-loathing) Irishman will be having a drink or two. Before you lift that first pint of Guinness, however, be aware that ingesting more than the prescribed amount of alcohol can lead to a state of altered consciousness known as "drunkeness".

Side effects may include:

1. Loss of motor control
2. Delusions of grandure
3. Yelling and spitting
4. Unwanted pregnancy
5. Karaoke
6. Same-sex hugging/kissing/fondling
7. Steve Correll making an ass of himself on the Colbert Report (see below)...



Remember: Despite what you may believe, your ex-girlfriend is NOT expecting a call from you at 3 a.m. But you should always call just to be sure. Women have been known to wait by the phone for MONTHS after a breakup, in the hopes that their former lover will call. That, my friends is science.