I woke up to the sound of my own laboured breathing this morning. Covered in a thin sheet of cold sweat and surrounded by the bitter odour of stale beer and decomposing pizza. Worst of all, somone had stuffed my head full of fire ants while I slept and the little bastards were having a kegger in my frontal lobe. Was this the aftermath of a wild orgy of beer, strippers and midget porn? Sadly, no. It is what happens after watching nearly three and a half hours of spoiled, rich people giving gold statues to each other.
You may have already been "informed" of this years winners, but since my opinion is the only one that really matters, I'll give you the run-down. Don't try this at home kids, I'm a professional....
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Jeremy Irons - Elizabeth I (HBO)
The Hollywood foreign press loves these "period" pieces about foppish British dandys skipping about with giant powdered wigs and too much make-up. Jeremy could have used a little of that make-up last night...It looked like he just crawled out of a hole after a week-long bender. Well, he lives in Ireland, what the hell do you expect?
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Emily Blunt - Gideon's Daughter (BBC)
Who the hell is Emily Blunt? That name sounds like an alias to me. I don't trust anyone who is named after a slang word for a marijuana cigarette. Personally, I think she's some sort of communist spy. I wonder what happened to her partners, Chris Joint and Mike Fatty.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Bill Nighy - Gideon's Daughter (BBC)
Would someone please explain to me what the hell the science guy was doing at the awards? I spent his whole acceptance speech waiting for him to show me how to make a rocket out of baking soda and toilet paper rolls.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Helen Mirren - Elizabeth I (HBO)
You gotta hand it to Helen Mirren, she has such a powerful, commanding presence that if she did ever run for Queen of England, I'd sure as hell vote for her. Wait, what do you mean you don't vote for a Queen?!? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Best Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made for Television: Elizabeth I (HBO) Company Pictures/channel 4/HBO Films; HBO
If I have to sit through another movie about a dumb-ass royal family, I'm going to orchestrate ANOTHER fatal car accident involving a princess. Don't make me do it again! I will!
Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series - Musical Or Comedy: Alec Baldwin - 30 Rock (NBC)
I thought they said "Third Rock". Wasn't that John Lithgow? That show was funny. What the hell is "30 Rock"? And why is Alec Baldwin still alive? I thought I payed those Mexican guys to "take care" of him.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series - Musical Or Comedy: America Ferrera - Ugly Betty (ABC)
This was acutally a nice little cinderella story. A virtually unknown actress competeing against one of the bitches from Desprate Housewives walked away with the Globe. Marcia Cross was probably seething in barely-contained rage, and secretly wishing America Ferrerra was fat and ugly...Oh, wait....
Best Television Series - Musical Or Comedy: Ugly Betty (ABC) Touchstone Television; ABC
I watched one episode of this show. I thought I was watching a bad Saturday Night Live parody or something. If this is the best comedy on television right now, then your better off watching re-runs of Seinfeld and Friends.
Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series - Drama: Hugh Laurie - House (FOX)
The best show on television. The best actor on television. Also, the second-funniest acceptance speech of the night. I can't say enough good things about Hugh Laurie. Without sounding like a complete homo anyway.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series - Drama: Kyra Sedgwick - The Closer (TNT)
Mrs. Kevin Bacon won this one by default. It wasn't a question of who had the best performance, it was a question of who was the least hideously ugly out of the nominees in this category. Thankfully they gave it to Kyra...I was trying to eat and I didn't want to watch Patricia Arquette blob herself onto the stage.
Best Television Series - Drama: Grey's Anatomy (ABC) Touchstone Television
Let's see...The other candidates in this category were: Lost, 24 and Heroes. Argueably three of the coolest shows on T.V. and they gave the award to this piece of shit prime-time soap opera?!?! This is proof that the judges are a bunch of bitter, unemployed, middle-aged women.
Best Original Song - Motion Picture: ";The Song Of The Heart"; - Happy Feet Music & Lyrics By: Prince Rogers Nelson
Prince was so busy trying to figure out which bathroom to use that Justin Timberlake had to accept the award for him. Further evidence that we need THREE seperate facitlities these days: MENS, LADIES and MISCELLANEOUS.
Best Original Score - Motion Picture: The Painted Veil (Desplat) Composed by Alexandre Desplat
How many of you actually care about this category? That's what I thought. Moving on.....
Best Screenplay - Motion Picture: The Queen Written by Peter Morgan
Unless this has something to do with Freddy Mercury, I'm not interested. He was The Queen. Period.
Best Director - Motion Picture: Martin Scorsese - The Departed
My biggest regret of 2006 is that I didn't get a chance to see this one when it was in theatres. It looks damn cool, especially with Scorsese behind the camera. He is in a class all by himself. And how about those eyebrows!
Best Foreign Languge Film: Letters From Iwo Jima (Japan, United States) Warner Bros. Pictures/DreamWorks Pictures; Warner Bros. Pictures
This is the "companion" movie to Flags of Our Fathers. It looks at the battle of Iwo Jima from the Japanese perspective. Sadly though, it was only screened in about four theatres across the country. I guess those of us who are interested will have to wait for the DVD release. It was much more important to theatre owners that we had Basic Instinct 2 playing on two screens. Priorities, you know.
Best Animated Feature Film: Cars Walt Disney Pictures/Pixar Animation Studio; Buena Vista Pictures Distribution
Even though I felt this was one of Pixar's weakest films, it still blows all the competition out of the water. Their CG-animated stories are like pizza, sex and beer...Even when they are bad, they are still pretty good.
Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture: Eddie Murphy - Dreamgirls
See you in another ten years Eddie. Don't get any ideas about having talent or anything. Remember: It's just an award. You can buy statues that look just like them at Target with your employee discount.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture: Jennifer Hudson - Dreamgirls
This film was generating so much buzz last night, I think I may have to check it out. Right after my sexual re-assignment surgery.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy: Sacha Cohen - Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan
Wow-wow-wee-wow! High Five! The most deserving, hard-earned, no-contest award handed out last night. Also the funniest acceptance speech I've ever heard. Ever. I have to admit, I was a little bummed that he wasn't in Borat mode, but he's probably afraid some idiot might try to sue him again.
Super-sexy update: Some brilliant person finally uploaded the acceptance speech video, so here it is in case you missed it:
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy: Meryl Streep - The Devil Wears Prada
I like Meryl Streep and I'm happy that she won, but I have to ask myself: "did she really deserve it for THIS?" Her character in this overrated piece of trash is bascially Cruella DeVille from 101 Dalmations. There is even a point in the film where she sings about making a dog-fur coat. Coincidence? I think not.
Best Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy: Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of KazakhstanOne America; Twentieth Century Fox
Just kidding. It was actually Dreamgirls. But this is my blog, and I say it's Borat. Hey Hollywood Foreign Press, fuck you.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama: Forest Whitaker - The Last King Of Scotland
It's about damn time Forest Whitaker won something. He's one of the most underrated actors in the business. He is to acting what I am to blogging. Don't worry, I'll win something someday too...Mark my words. Mwahahaha!
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama: Helen Mirren - The Queen
Just in case you suck at math, that makes TWO globes for Mrs. Mirren. She was spotted giving one to Kate Winslet after the show, because she felt sorry for her. Just kidding, she kept BOTH of them. Selfish bitch.
Best Motion Picture - Drama: Babel Anonymous Content Production/Una Produccion De Zeta Film/Central Films Production; Paramount Pictures/Paramount Vantage
When did this awesome-looking flick come out? Honestly, it's like they were trying to keep it a secret or something. Here's a tip: If you make a multi-million dollar movie with huge stars and a great story a good idea might be to ADVERTISE it. I see what's going on here...The Big Wigs in Hollywood are trying to keep all the best movies to themselves. While shoveling all their garbage on the unsuspecting public. You'll never get away with this! Those of us who paid to watch Idiocracy will have our revenge!
Cecil B. DeMille Award: Warren Beatty
That's all she wrote boys and girls. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go smash myself in the nuts with a mallet to make the pain in my head go away. Don't even try to tell me it won't work. I am, after all, a professional.
You may have already been "informed" of this years winners, but since my opinion is the only one that really matters, I'll give you the run-down. Don't try this at home kids, I'm a professional....
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Jeremy Irons - Elizabeth I (HBO)
The Hollywood foreign press loves these "period" pieces about foppish British dandys skipping about with giant powdered wigs and too much make-up. Jeremy could have used a little of that make-up last night...It looked like he just crawled out of a hole after a week-long bender. Well, he lives in Ireland, what the hell do you expect?
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Emily Blunt - Gideon's Daughter (BBC)
Who the hell is Emily Blunt? That name sounds like an alias to me. I don't trust anyone who is named after a slang word for a marijuana cigarette. Personally, I think she's some sort of communist spy. I wonder what happened to her partners, Chris Joint and Mike Fatty.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Bill Nighy - Gideon's Daughter (BBC)
Would someone please explain to me what the hell the science guy was doing at the awards? I spent his whole acceptance speech waiting for him to show me how to make a rocket out of baking soda and toilet paper rolls.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Helen Mirren - Elizabeth I (HBO)
You gotta hand it to Helen Mirren, she has such a powerful, commanding presence that if she did ever run for Queen of England, I'd sure as hell vote for her. Wait, what do you mean you don't vote for a Queen?!? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Best Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made for Television: Elizabeth I (HBO) Company Pictures/channel 4/HBO Films; HBO
If I have to sit through another movie about a dumb-ass royal family, I'm going to orchestrate ANOTHER fatal car accident involving a princess. Don't make me do it again! I will!
Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series - Musical Or Comedy: Alec Baldwin - 30 Rock (NBC)
I thought they said "Third Rock". Wasn't that John Lithgow? That show was funny. What the hell is "30 Rock"? And why is Alec Baldwin still alive? I thought I payed those Mexican guys to "take care" of him.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series - Musical Or Comedy: America Ferrera - Ugly Betty (ABC)
This was acutally a nice little cinderella story. A virtually unknown actress competeing against one of the bitches from Desprate Housewives walked away with the Globe. Marcia Cross was probably seething in barely-contained rage, and secretly wishing America Ferrerra was fat and ugly...Oh, wait....
Best Television Series - Musical Or Comedy: Ugly Betty (ABC) Touchstone Television; ABC
I watched one episode of this show. I thought I was watching a bad Saturday Night Live parody or something. If this is the best comedy on television right now, then your better off watching re-runs of Seinfeld and Friends.
Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series - Drama: Hugh Laurie - House (FOX)
The best show on television. The best actor on television. Also, the second-funniest acceptance speech of the night. I can't say enough good things about Hugh Laurie. Without sounding like a complete homo anyway.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series - Drama: Kyra Sedgwick - The Closer (TNT)
Mrs. Kevin Bacon won this one by default. It wasn't a question of who had the best performance, it was a question of who was the least hideously ugly out of the nominees in this category. Thankfully they gave it to Kyra...I was trying to eat and I didn't want to watch Patricia Arquette blob herself onto the stage.
Best Television Series - Drama: Grey's Anatomy (ABC) Touchstone Television
Let's see...The other candidates in this category were: Lost, 24 and Heroes. Argueably three of the coolest shows on T.V. and they gave the award to this piece of shit prime-time soap opera?!?! This is proof that the judges are a bunch of bitter, unemployed, middle-aged women.
Best Original Song - Motion Picture: ";The Song Of The Heart"; - Happy Feet Music & Lyrics By: Prince Rogers Nelson
Prince was so busy trying to figure out which bathroom to use that Justin Timberlake had to accept the award for him. Further evidence that we need THREE seperate facitlities these days: MENS, LADIES and MISCELLANEOUS.
Best Original Score - Motion Picture: The Painted Veil (Desplat) Composed by Alexandre Desplat
How many of you actually care about this category? That's what I thought. Moving on.....
Best Screenplay - Motion Picture: The Queen Written by Peter Morgan
Unless this has something to do with Freddy Mercury, I'm not interested. He was The Queen. Period.
Best Director - Motion Picture: Martin Scorsese - The Departed
My biggest regret of 2006 is that I didn't get a chance to see this one when it was in theatres. It looks damn cool, especially with Scorsese behind the camera. He is in a class all by himself. And how about those eyebrows!
Best Foreign Languge Film: Letters From Iwo Jima (Japan, United States) Warner Bros. Pictures/DreamWorks Pictures; Warner Bros. Pictures
This is the "companion" movie to Flags of Our Fathers. It looks at the battle of Iwo Jima from the Japanese perspective. Sadly though, it was only screened in about four theatres across the country. I guess those of us who are interested will have to wait for the DVD release. It was much more important to theatre owners that we had Basic Instinct 2 playing on two screens. Priorities, you know.
Best Animated Feature Film: Cars Walt Disney Pictures/Pixar Animation Studio; Buena Vista Pictures Distribution
Even though I felt this was one of Pixar's weakest films, it still blows all the competition out of the water. Their CG-animated stories are like pizza, sex and beer...Even when they are bad, they are still pretty good.
Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture: Eddie Murphy - Dreamgirls
See you in another ten years Eddie. Don't get any ideas about having talent or anything. Remember: It's just an award. You can buy statues that look just like them at Target with your employee discount.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture: Jennifer Hudson - Dreamgirls
This film was generating so much buzz last night, I think I may have to check it out. Right after my sexual re-assignment surgery.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy: Sacha Cohen - Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan
Wow-wow-wee-wow! High Five! The most deserving, hard-earned, no-contest award handed out last night. Also the funniest acceptance speech I've ever heard. Ever. I have to admit, I was a little bummed that he wasn't in Borat mode, but he's probably afraid some idiot might try to sue him again.
Super-sexy update: Some brilliant person finally uploaded the acceptance speech video, so here it is in case you missed it:
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy: Meryl Streep - The Devil Wears Prada
I like Meryl Streep and I'm happy that she won, but I have to ask myself: "did she really deserve it for THIS?" Her character in this overrated piece of trash is bascially Cruella DeVille from 101 Dalmations. There is even a point in the film where she sings about making a dog-fur coat. Coincidence? I think not.
Best Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy: Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of KazakhstanOne America; Twentieth Century Fox
Just kidding. It was actually Dreamgirls. But this is my blog, and I say it's Borat. Hey Hollywood Foreign Press, fuck you.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama: Forest Whitaker - The Last King Of Scotland
It's about damn time Forest Whitaker won something. He's one of the most underrated actors in the business. He is to acting what I am to blogging. Don't worry, I'll win something someday too...Mark my words. Mwahahaha!
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama: Helen Mirren - The Queen
Just in case you suck at math, that makes TWO globes for Mrs. Mirren. She was spotted giving one to Kate Winslet after the show, because she felt sorry for her. Just kidding, she kept BOTH of them. Selfish bitch.
Best Motion Picture - Drama: Babel Anonymous Content Production/Una Produccion De Zeta Film/Central Films Production; Paramount Pictures/Paramount Vantage
When did this awesome-looking flick come out? Honestly, it's like they were trying to keep it a secret or something. Here's a tip: If you make a multi-million dollar movie with huge stars and a great story a good idea might be to ADVERTISE it. I see what's going on here...The Big Wigs in Hollywood are trying to keep all the best movies to themselves. While shoveling all their garbage on the unsuspecting public. You'll never get away with this! Those of us who paid to watch Idiocracy will have our revenge!
Cecil B. DeMille Award: Warren Beatty
That's all she wrote boys and girls. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go smash myself in the nuts with a mallet to make the pain in my head go away. Don't even try to tell me it won't work. I am, after all, a professional.
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