If I happen to run into Bill Gates in the near future, I'm going to kick him in the balls and demand that he compensate me for all the valuable drinkin' time I lost while jamming this new operating system into my computer. That's right, I said JAMMING. You see, Vista comes packaged with a crowbar, a hammer and a bottle of vodka. The instructions read: Drink vodka, hit yourself repeatedly with hammer, jam Vista in with crowbar. I asked the nice girl at the computer place why the crowbar was necessary. She just laughed and said: "You'll see....".
After finally getting the monster installed, it proceeded to lay the smackdown on several programs that it had issues with. It told me, in no uncertain terms, that I had to uninstall about three pieces of software, otherwise it would cry, run away, and frame me for a murder I didn't commit.
Four hours, three calls to tech support and two bottlles of vodka later I was up and running Windows Vista! It's just like Windows XP but with a really fancy-schmancy aquarium screen-saver. Was it all worth it? Damn straight it was. I loves me the aquariums.
Behold! The movie guaranteed to make your head explode with sheer, unbridled awsomeness! The most exciting thing to ever happen to you! The cure for cancer! The place where all the missing socks go! That's right, it's the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie. All of your dreams have finally come true. Except maybe the one about the midgets and farm animals, but hey, there are no judgements here, you sick bastard.
If you see only one film in 2007....See Spiderman 3....If you have any money left over from giving blood, see The Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie. You'll be the only one of your friends who "gets" the Frylock quotes when they are bandied about at parties. That's assuming you have any friends outside of the World of Warcraft, of course. On second thought, just go play in traffic and try not to chew on your helmet.
Yesterday, January 24th at approximately 0730 hours a brand new 220,000 square-foot Walmart "Super"Store declared war on my quaint little town of 70,000 souls. Thousands of sleep-deprived soldiers, armed with promotional sales flyers stormed the gates and pillaged cheap bikes, portable phones and screwdriver sets. The only thing this invading army of value shoppers didn't do was set fire to the fortress on their way out. The 625 Walmart warriors somehow managed to calm the mob with plastic smiles and offers of free cookies and lottery tickets.
The war was over before it even began. The things I witnessed that fateful January morning will haunt my nightmares for years....
I witnessed people shuffling like dead-eyed zombies down the endless rows of cheap, plastic crap. I witnessed small children being subtly brainwashed by giant, corporate mascots like Ronald McDonald and The Hamburgler. I actually witnessed a man being shoved roughly aside because he was standing too close to one of the THREE entrances and was, evidently in somebody's way.
We might as well embrace our new corporate masters, so repeat after me:
"We don't really need jobs that pay a liveable wage and small, locally-owned businesses are just annoying with all that customer service bullshit. I would much rather support communist China by shopping for sweatshop-made goods at my brand-new Super Walmart!"
Do me a favour; before you go out to score your next Walmart fix, watch this movie. Afterward, if you still feel the need to buy all your useless crap there, try starting a small fire in the menswear section. Maybe we can burn the fucking thing down after all. Viva La Revolution!
Unless you are familiar with Omaha's indie music scene, or have a very eclectic music library, you've probably never heard of Bright Eyes. Well, I'm here to fix that, because if you are a fan of stripped-down ballads and lyrics full of raw emotion then this band should definitely be on your radar screen.
Every track on this album, from "At The Bottom of Everything" to "Road to Joy" is a beautifully crafted piece of urban poetry. Conor Oberst's disarming vocals convey the pain, joy and quiet suffering of the post 9/11 generation. Check him out below performing "Landlocked Blues" live and you'll see what I mean:
Now shut off Bearshare/Limewire and drag your fat, music downloading ass over to your local record store to score a copy of this album. Not only is it good karma to support your favorite artists but most chicks that work in record stores are kinda' hot. You can grab some great music AND a potential stalking victim! Can file sharing software do that? I don't think so! High five!
Directed by: Alfonso Cuaron Starring: Clive Owen, Julianne Moore, Michael Caine
"This is the way the world ends Not with a bang but a whimper."
-T.S. Eliot "The Hollow Men"
Humanity is dangling over the edge of the abyss in Alfonso Cuaron's "Children of Men" and it's hanging on by it's fingernails. A miraculously pregnant woman offers some hope for salvation, but as the savage fascism unfolds around her, we are forced to ask ourselves: Do we really deserve to survive?
Luckily we have Clive Owen, who's flip-flop clad protagonist provides an anchor of morality in a world where basic human decency has long-ago been set adrift. He is tasked with delivering the pregnant "Kee" (played with wild-eyed vulnerability by newcomer Claire-Hope Ashitey) beyond the clutches of a corrupt British government and a group of freedom-fighters-turned terrorists and into the welcoming arms of a group commited to saving civilization known only as "The Human Project".
One of the biggest stars of this show is Alfonso Cuaron's brilliant cinematography. His police-state London and war-torn refugee camp present a vision of the future that looks disturbingly like the images we see on the news every night. The action sequences rip the audience out of its role of dispassionate observer and place it in the middle of white-knuckle gun fights and car chases. The single-cut, first-person fluidity of these scenes has to be seen to be believed.
My first piece of unsolicited advice in 2007 is this: GO SEE THIS MOVIE. It's a brilliant piece of filmmaking and an early frontrunner for my favorite movie of the year. I know, it's only January, but with most of the garbage coming out of Hollywood these days (see "Idiocracy" review below) I'm pretty confident in that pronouncement.
I woke up to the sound of my own laboured breathing this morning. Covered in a thin sheet of cold sweat and surrounded by the bitter odour of stale beer and decomposing pizza. Worst of all, somone had stuffed my head full of fire ants while I slept and the little bastards were having a kegger in my frontal lobe. Was this the aftermath of a wild orgy of beer, strippers and midget porn? Sadly, no. It is what happens after watching nearly three and a half hours of spoiled, rich people giving gold statues to each other.
You may have already been "informed" of this years winners, but since my opinion is the only one that really matters, I'll give you the run-down. Don't try this at home kids, I'm a professional....
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Jeremy Irons - Elizabeth I (HBO)
The Hollywood foreign press loves these "period" pieces about foppish British dandys skipping about with giant powdered wigs and too much make-up. Jeremy could have used a little of that make-up last night...It looked like he just crawled out of a hole after a week-long bender. Well, he lives in Ireland, what the hell do you expect?
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Emily Blunt - Gideon's Daughter (BBC)
Who the hell is Emily Blunt? That name sounds like an alias to me. I don't trust anyone who is named after a slang word for a marijuana cigarette. Personally, I think she's some sort of communist spy. I wonder what happened to her partners, Chris Joint and Mike Fatty.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Bill Nighy - Gideon's Daughter (BBC)
Would someone please explain to me what the hell the science guy was doing at the awards? I spent his whole acceptance speech waiting for him to show me how to make a rocket out of baking soda and toilet paper rolls.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Helen Mirren - Elizabeth I (HBO)
You gotta hand it to Helen Mirren, she has such a powerful, commanding presence that if she did ever run for Queen of England, I'd sure as hell vote for her. Wait, what do you mean you don't vote for a Queen?!? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Best Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made for Television: Elizabeth I (HBO) Company Pictures/channel 4/HBO Films; HBO
If I have to sit through another movie about a dumb-ass royal family, I'm going to orchestrate ANOTHER fatal car accident involving a princess. Don't make me do it again! I will!
Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series - Musical Or Comedy: Alec Baldwin - 30 Rock (NBC)
I thought they said "Third Rock". Wasn't that John Lithgow? That show was funny. What the hell is "30 Rock"? And why is Alec Baldwin still alive? I thought I payed those Mexican guys to "take care" of him.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series- Musical Or Comedy: America Ferrera - Ugly Betty (ABC)
This was acutally a nice little cinderella story. A virtually unknown actress competeing against one of the bitches from Desprate Housewives walked away with the Globe. Marcia Cross was probably seething in barely-contained rage, and secretly wishing America Ferrerra was fat and ugly...Oh, wait....
Best Television Series - Musical Or Comedy: Ugly Betty (ABC) Touchstone Television; ABC
I watched one episode of this show. I thought I was watching a bad Saturday Night Live parody or something. If this is the best comedy on television right now, then your better off watching re-runs of Seinfeld and Friends.
Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series - Drama: Hugh Laurie - House (FOX)
The best show on television. The best actor on television. Also, the second-funniest acceptance speech of the night. I can't say enough good things about Hugh Laurie. Without sounding like a complete homo anyway.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series - Drama: Kyra Sedgwick - The Closer (TNT)
Mrs. Kevin Bacon won this one by default. It wasn't a question of who had the best performance, it was a question of who was the least hideously ugly out of the nominees in this category. Thankfully they gave it to Kyra...I was trying to eat and I didn't want to watch Patricia Arquette blob herself onto the stage.
Best Television Series - Drama: Grey's Anatomy (ABC) Touchstone Television
Let's see...The other candidates in this category were: Lost, 24 and Heroes. Argueably three of the coolest shows on T.V. and they gave the award to this piece of shit prime-time soap opera?!?! This is proof that the judges are a bunch of bitter, unemployed, middle-aged women.
Best Original Song - Motion Picture: ";The Song Of The Heart"; - Happy Feet Music & Lyrics By: Prince Rogers Nelson
Prince was so busy trying to figure out which bathroom to use that Justin Timberlake had to accept the award for him. Further evidence that we need THREE seperate facitlities these days: MENS, LADIES and MISCELLANEOUS.
Best Original Score - Motion Picture:The Painted Veil (Desplat) Composed by Alexandre Desplat
How many of you actually care about this category? That's what I thought. Moving on.....
Best Screenplay - Motion Picture:The Queen Written by Peter Morgan
Unless this has something to do with Freddy Mercury, I'm not interested. He was The Queen. Period.
Best Director - Motion Picture:Martin Scorsese - The Departed
My biggest regret of 2006 is that I didn't get a chance to see this one when it was in theatres. It looks damn cool, especially with Scorsese behind the camera. He is in a class all by himself. And how about those eyebrows!
Best Foreign Languge Film:Letters From Iwo Jima (Japan, United States) Warner Bros. Pictures/DreamWorks Pictures; Warner Bros. Pictures
This is the "companion" movie to Flags of Our Fathers. It looks at the battle of Iwo Jima from the Japanese perspective. Sadly though, it was only screened in about four theatres across the country. I guess those of us who are interested will have to wait for the DVD release. It was much more important to theatre owners that we had Basic Instinct 2 playing on two screens. Priorities, you know.
Best Animated Feature Film:Cars Walt Disney Pictures/Pixar Animation Studio; Buena Vista Pictures Distribution
Even though I felt this was one of Pixar's weakest films, it still blows all the competition out of the water. Their CG-animated stories are like pizza, sex and beer...Even when they are bad, they are still pretty good.
Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture:Eddie Murphy - Dreamgirls
See you in another ten years Eddie. Don't get any ideas about having talent or anything. Remember: It's just an award. You can buy statues that look just like them at Target with your employee discount.
Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture:Jennifer Hudson- Dreamgirls
This film was generating so much buzz last night, I think I may have to check it out. Right after my sexual re-assignment surgery.
Wow-wow-wee-wow! High Five! The most deserving, hard-earned, no-contest award handed out last night. Also the funniest acceptance speech I've ever heard. Ever. I have to admit, I was a little bummed that he wasn't in Borat mode, but he's probably afraid some idiot might try to sue him again.
Super-sexy update: Some brilliant person finally uploaded the acceptance speech video, so here it is in case you missed it:
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy:Meryl Streep- The Devil Wears Prada
I like Meryl Streep and I'm happy that she won, but I have to ask myself: "did she really deserve it for THIS?" Her character in this overrated piece of trash is bascially Cruella DeVille from 101 Dalmations. There is even a point in the film where she sings about making a dog-fur coat. Coincidence? I think not.
Just kidding. It was actually Dreamgirls. But this is my blog, and I say it's Borat. Hey Hollywood Foreign Press, fuck you.
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama:Forest Whitaker - The Last King Of Scotland
It's about damn time Forest Whitaker won something. He's one of the most underrated actors in the business. He is to acting what I am to blogging. Don't worry, I'll win something someday too...Mark my words. Mwahahaha!
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama:Helen Mirren- The Queen
Just in case you suck at math, that makes TWO globes for Mrs. Mirren. She was spotted giving one to Kate Winslet after the show, because she felt sorry for her. Just kidding, she kept BOTH of them. Selfish bitch.
Best Motion Picture - Drama:Babel Anonymous Content Production/Una Produccion De Zeta Film/Central Films Production; Paramount Pictures/Paramount Vantage
When did this awesome-looking flick come out? Honestly, it's like they were trying to keep it a secret or something. Here's a tip: If you make a multi-million dollar movie with huge stars and a great story a good idea might be to ADVERTISE it. I see what's going on here...The Big Wigs in Hollywood are trying to keep all the best movies to themselves. While shoveling all their garbage on the unsuspecting public. You'll never get away with this! Those of us who paid to watch Idiocracy will have our revenge!
Cecil B. DeMille Award:Warren Beatty
That's all she wrote boys and girls. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go smash myself in the nuts with a mallet to make the pain in my head go away. Don't even try to tell me it won't work. I am, after all, a professional.
Directed by: Mike Judge Starring: Luke "I needed the paycheck" Wilson
The narrator of Mike Judge's latest bowel movement helpfully informs us that brain-dead entertainment has helped to create an entire society of morons. Here is a shining, classic example of a self-fulfilling prophecy: Watching this movie for the full ninety minutes will actually significantly lower your IQ. It's a cautionary tale about the value of education told with the subtle nuances of fart jokes and groin injuries. It makes my head hurt just thinking about it.
The very people that Mike Judge is mocking are the only people that will appreciate the humor. So if you're a fan of the Jackass franchise, this may well be your Citizen Kane. For the rest of us, who are not at risk of winning a Darwin Award this is more like Cabin Boy.
If you're wondering why I haven't posted a book or movie review lately, it's because I've been busy doing a little investigative journalism. Armed with nothing more than my trusty shoe-phone and my elite team of monkey spies, I have discovered that our beloved Disney "friends" are trained in a LOT more than just how to be incredibly annoying.
First, take a look at this....
This kid was in WAY over his head. Pay particular attention to the precision and fluidity of the arm lock applied by Tigger and the easy transition into his left-hook. This is more than just a giant, stuffed tiger lashing out in pain and anger. This Tigger's had some training....
After several days of following false leads and hundreds of dollars spent bribing Winnie the Pooh for intel, my monkey spies were able to infiltrate the secret Disney training facility and capture this shocking video.....
From this we can draw three distinct conclusions:
1. Walt Disney is plotting to take over the world using genetically engineered super-tigger-soldiers.
2. I have way too much free time on my hands.
3. Winnie The Pooh will roll over on anybody. Lousy rat bastard.
With the current "new" crop of brilliant stand-up comedians like Dane Cook and Dave Attell it's easy to forget the masters.
With his cantankerous ramblings and bleeding edge sarcasm, George Carlin has been serving up some of the most brilliant routines for over 40 years. He has shocked Ed Sullivan's audience, headlined The Tonight Show during Carson's reign, and dared to utter the seven words you can never say on television. What would the world of stand-up look like today without his genius to show us the way to political incorrectness? We would probably still be telling knock-knock jokes and watching clowns get hit in the face with pies.
Now grab a beer, sit back and watch a master at work.
I sure am glad I happened across this video when I did. The question of what would happen to a spider's web-building abilities if it were given LSD has been haunting me for days. I finally have my answer and I'm posting it here to set your minds at ease as well. 'Cause I don't know much, but I do know my audience and this is the kind of thing you simpletons lose sleep over. Rest easy, Skippy, and don't let the crack spiders bite.
According to a new poll released yesterday by Decima Research the environment is now the top issue on the minds of Canadians, eclipsing old standards like health care and foreign policy. Not only are we worried about the health of our planet, we're worried that our elected representatives aren't worried about it enough. That's an awful lot of worry. It's also good news, in a way. People are finally begining to realize that temperatures of 50 degrees celsius on January 5th are not only abnormal, they can be downright hazardous to our health.
If you make only one resolution is 2007, how about setting aside the egocentric "I need to lose weight" bullshit and make it "I'm going to do something nice for the planet" instead. If at this point you are sighing, rolling your eyes and calling me a tree-hugging hippie freak consider this: If you do plan on exercising in the new year, it would be a good idea to concentrate on your swimming, because if these warming trends continue global sea levels could rise by more than twenty feet within the next century. That puts places like south Florida and Manhattan Island completely under water.
Still not convinced? Well, take a look at the above video. It's a slideshow of Earthshots top 30 "photos of the day". It really is a beautiful planet, and it's worth saving.
Welcome to 2007! Have you made your new years' resolutions yet? Do they include watching more TV, playing more video games or spending more time surfing the web? If not, then you should read "Everything Bad Is Good For You" before you make any hasty decisions about quitting smoking or losing weight. As it turns out, these activities actually give you a good mental workout. They will not, however, do anything for your inability to walk up three stairs without getting winded. For that you're going to have to stop shoving cake in your pie-hole, fatty.
I couldn't help but feeling just a little vindicated after reading Steven Johnson's well-researched and intelligent argument. I've been spouting off for years to anyone who will listen about the sophistication of shows like The Simpsons and South Park and video games like Grand Theft Auto. Contrary to what the "old guard" has been preaching about the "dumbing down" of society, popular media is actually making us measureably SMARTER; a happy little phenomenon that Johnson calls "the sleeper curve".
Simply put, this sleeper curve reminds us that we humans are a problem solving species that isn't really satisfied unless we can sink our mental teeth into a good challenge now and then. Therefore, in order for modern media to become and stay popular, it has to be sophisticated enough to give our highly-evolved intelligence a good workout.
So the next time somebody accuses you of wasting your life playing video games, just tell their dumb-ass that you're studying to become the next president of the Universe or whatever. Then throw something at them, preferably this book. They'll understand. Even if they don't, who needs them anyway!
