People who shop at Walmart Supercentres scare the hell out of me. They push, shove and jockey for position amongst rows of Spongebob Squarepants spiral notebooks. They yell at their crying children to try on three different pairs of sweatshop-produced shoes. They all posses the same furtive, desperate look made worse by the sickly fluorescent light and recycled air. They cannot possibly conceive of a better place to spend a Saturday afternoon.
There is only one other place on Earth that comes close to this level of depravity. One other place where this unique brand of human sadness is dealt daily. That place is called Tim Hortons (aka: the "Walmart" of coffee shops). Thousands of poor, tired souls choke the drive-thru and counter area every morning, waiting for their turn to buy an overpriced, second-rate cup of coffee. The garish plastic tables are full of loud, obnoxious businessmen holding "meetings" and senior citizens who have grown tired of the community centre and need an alternative place to complain that it isn't 1957 anymore.
Well my friends, I have some "good" news. There is no longer any need to go to two different places to have your spirit crushed and your will to live stolen by a faceless corporation. In the interest of providing one stop shopping for soul destruction Walmart and Tim Hortons are JOINING FORCES. You can read the complete, apocalyptic story here. That's right, now you can be jacked-up on caffeine as you fight your way to the electronics section to grab up the half-priced Pauly Shore DVDs.
Now if they only offered liquor and assisted suicides there would never be any reason to go anywhere else. Ever.
No comments:
Post a Comment