Some Trampy Chick Was Released From Prison Yesterday...

I'm not going to waste your valuable time with the details of this perplexing "story" like some major media outlets I know (read: ALL of them). Suffice it to say that some dumb, lazy-eyed tramp was released from prison yesterday, whored her way home and got hair extensions.

She's made a couple of amature porn videos and is named after some hotel in France. Really, what more do you need to know? Actually, this is probably too much information. I don't think I am being overly harsh is saying this, nor do I feel that I am alone in these sentiments, but the next time I read her name it had better be in the obituaries.

Robot Chicken Star Wars

Because I'm feeling uncharacteristically generous this morning, here is the complete 30 minute Robot Chicken Star Wars special for your viewing enjoyment. My personal favorite sketch is the phone call the Emperor receives about the destruction of the death star. He hasn't even finished paying for it and it's blown up by "a bunch of teenagers" in an "aluminum falcon".

Whether you are one of the seven people out there who has never seen a single Star Wars movie or one of the legions of rabid, mouth-breathing fan boys this montage of short parodies is sure to illicit a chuckle or two.

The farce is strong with this one.

*Update: Looks like they ripped this video down like five minutes after I posted it. The Nazis over at Adult Swim don't like you watching videos anywhere but their own ugly-ass site, so if you are still interested you can watch the damn thing here: Robot Chicken Star Wars!

This of course means that you will have to navigate away from my ultra sexy blog, but if you really feel the need to....Hey, where did everybody go?!? Hello? I hate you all so much....

A Shockng Medical Breakthrough...

The investigative journalists over at the Onion News Network have made a shocking discovery: Most of the old codgers being hospitalized and treated for alzheimers don't, in fact, have alzheimers. It was all just a big misunderstanding. Kinda' like that time I made a life sized statue of a friend, stuck a knife in it and left it on his front porch with a note that said: "You". When I asked him about it the next day, he didn't know what I was talking about. I must have left it at the wrong house. Ah well, we all got a pretty good laugh out of it, and no harm done.

The Top 10 Ways To Procrastinate on Your 100th Post

Just in case you haven't noticed there have been no new posts in well over a week. I'd like to apologize to my loyal reader(s) for this oversight and assure you (you know who you are) that there is a very good reason for this. Okay so maybe it's not a "good" reason but it's the only excuse I have for my degenerate laziness so cut me some damn slack would ya?

You see, I've reached a bit of a milestone (as opposed to a "millstone", that's for grinding corn) here at Infinite Monkeys. This bit of dreck that you are currently reading is my official 100th post! My problem this past week has been deciding what to do with this momentous occasion. Of course, my complete and utter inability to make even the simplest of decisions has led me to procrastinate (as opposed to "masturbate", which I admit has also taken up a considerable amount of my time). I have, in fact, elevated procrastination to an art form of sorts. Here are the top 10 things I did this week rather than write my 100th post. Actually, you know what? I'm kinda' tired right now. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow....

10. Watch the entire second season of Lost on DVD. I don't see what the big deal about this show is. I didn't particularly enjoy it the first time when it was known as "Gilligan's Island".

9. Work at my day job. Because blogging doesn't pay what it used to and I have needs. All those tacos and giant foam cowboy hats aren't going to pay for themselves you know.

8. Exercise. My daily workout regiment has actually started to pay off. I can now eat half a bucket of chicken before I start to sweat.

7. Get on the wagon. It's amazing to me how stupid and wasteful this whole blogging thing seems when you have been sober for a couple of days. Now that I'm back on my daily supply of vitamin "vodka", I feel compelled to share my pathetic thoughts with complete strangers again.

6. Learn the ancient Chinese art of origami. I can already make a boulder, a meteorite and a snowball. What can I say, I'm a fast learner.

5. Get in touch with some old friends. Except replace "old friends" with "ex-girlfriends", and "get in touch" with "stalk". It's not my fault they never changed the password for their voicemail.

4. Facebook. What is it about this social networking site that is so damned compelling? Seriously, try explaining Facebook to someone who has never heard of it without making it sound completely retarded. It's impossible.

3. Working on my novel. For those of you that don't know, that's super-secret guy code for "surfing Internet porn". If I were actually working on a novel it would be over three thousand pages by now. Sheesh, get a clue.

2. Sleeping and eating. I'm pretty sure I have that disease that makes you tired and hungry all the time. What's the name of it again? Oh yeah: Marijuana.

1. Following the Paris Hilton prison saga. I'm fairly certain that I died recently and am currently residing in Hell. How else to explain the fact that this has been the TOP NEWS STORY for over a week?!?! Isn't there a fucking WAR on?!?! All the attention being paid to this stupid, spoiled whore and her ilk is a sure sign that we are doomed as a species. Put on your helmets boys and girls, Armageddon is right around the corner.