Christmas, South Park Style

woodland critter christmas
Video sent by limblessjudo

A nice, wholesome christmas episode. Sorta'...

Merry Christmas to all my loyal readers (both of you)! In the true spirit of the season, I'll be throwing up some gifts for your twisted enjoyment. A new one EVERY DAY until Christmas. That's four, in case you are mathematically challenged like me.

You've just unwrapped the COMPLETE "Woodland Critter Christmas" episode from South Park. And no, you can't take it back if you don't like it. I lost the reciept. Aloha!

A Complicated Kindness

Author: Miriam Toews

"There was a new sign in the Tomboy window. COME ON IN AND CHECK OUT OUR NEW MEAT DEPARTMENT! I stared at it for a while. And then I crossed the little parking lot and went in and walked to the back of the store and looked at the pieces of meat behind the glass. The butcher, who was also the man who opened the windows in church with a long stick that had a hook on the end of it, said hello and wondered if there was something he could do for me. I told him I was just checking out the meat.
This is the new meat department? I asked.
That's right, he said. We've expanded our selection. He spread his arms.
I nodded. It's nice, I said. It's very um...you have a lot of interesting meat products here.
Yes, he said, we're very happy with it.
Yeah, I said. Well, me too. I smiled. He smiled."

-a complicated kindness
Miriam Toews

The passage above is just an appetizer in this wonderful banquet of a book. It's a straightforward narrative told from the perspective of 16-year-old Nomi Nickel. The simple, elegant prose draws you into the life of a little girl struggling not only with adulthood, but with the religious fundamentalism of her Mennonite community. Nomi bites, kicks and thrashes at the world in an attempt to understand why her family is falling apart, why her boyfriend is so aloof, and, most of all, how people can claim to care for you while at the same time imposing tortureous, inhuman dogma.

Despite the title, this is a brilliantly uncomplicated story. There are great depths of emotion to be found here, and an unflinching perspective so clear that you'd think Miriam Toews has written an autobiography of her own childhood experiences.

My only petty complaint is that it too short and I read it too fast. Not much of a complaint eh? Well, that's all I got. Deal with it.

Score: 11/12 monkeys

An Inconvenient Truth

Directed by: Davis Guggenheim
Starring: Al Gore, Al Gore's Laptop, Al Gore's Ego and Al Gore's Hypocrisy

Looks like Al Gore is running for political office again. He must be, why else would he produce this 90-minute campaign ad, not-so-cleverly disguised as a documentary on global warming? Our buddy Al spends most of those 90 minutes in front of a giant, expensive-looking powerpoint presentation, giving us the hard facts about the imminent demise of our planet. He quotes dubious sources that he simply identifies as "a friend of mine", or "My scientist buddy". He blames the current administration for their laughable enviromental policy while in the same breath claims that this isn't a political issue. He strangles a homeless guy and drowns a kitten.

Okay, he didn't do those last two things, but he might as well have. The zombies sitting in his studio audience would never question the infinite wisdom of Al Gore. Is that homeless guy okay? Who cares...Look, Al is showing a clip from The Simpsons!

I can't quite get my head around this "documentary". On one hand, many of the facts are quite staggering and the raw data is very sobering. On the other hand, we have an over-paid, ex-vice president driving and flying around the country telling us to try to cut down on our carbon dioxide emissions. Ummm, we can't burn any more fuel Al...You fucking used it all!

For over twenty years we have had brilliant, respected people like David Suzuki and Laurie David warning us about the environmental toll we humans are taking on mother earth. I urge you to visit their sites and contribute if you can. Hey, If it takes a snakeoil salesman like Al Gore to mobilize you into thinking about these issues, than I guess that's better than nothing. Just promise me one thing; if he ever does run for office again, run the other way.

Score: 2/12 monkeys

Pick Your Pony!

For those of you who enjoy a friendly wager now and then, get ready because nothing says "fun" like betting on The Golden Globes! Seriously, it's the Superbowl for pop-culture junkies like me. Got any predictions? Care to make things interesting? Want to buy a monkey? Shoot me an e-mail and we'll get down to biz-nass.

For a complete list of the nominees go HERE

I'm actually pretty stoked about this year's awards. Who wouldn't love to see Sacha Baron Cohen hit the stage in full Borat gear to accept the award for best actor in a musical/comedy? Or Hugh Laurie bitch-slap the competition (as he should) and walk away with his second golden globe for House, M.D.? Or another drunk, idiot celebrity go on a racial slur tirade in front of millions of viewers? I can't wait! High Five!

Top 5 Worst Things You Can Do at the Office Christmas Party

Don't be this guy

Worst case scenario. Don't let this happen to YOU!

The holiday season means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. There are, however, at least two experiences that we all have in common. The first being our complete loss of basic human decency as we push through pregnant women, crippled children and the elderly to get our hands on this years hottest gift. The second is, of course, the dreaded office Christmas party. Remember last year? You still can't look Brenda from marketing in the eye can you? Somebody should have told you ornaments were flammable, right? Well, that's where I come in. The following are the top five behaviors to avoid at all costs. Getting drunk is optional, but highly recommended.

#5: Getting High

The only thing worse than being surrounded by drunk people who have the power to fire you, is being surrounded by drunk people who have the power to fire you while paranoid and hungry. Save this for the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer marathon later. You'll need it.

#4: "Forgetting" about the secret santa portion of the evening

No one will buy the fact that you "forgot" to pick up a ten dollar, crap-tastic gift for someone you barely know. Avoid the shame, stop at 7-11 on the way over and get some gift certificates or something, cheapskate.

#3: Telling the boss your awesome ideas about how to improve *blank*

Just because you read about it on the internet, that doesn't mean the CEO of your company is going to love the idea of rationing staples or installing hammocks or whatever. Remember: You are drunk and you work in the mailroom for a reason.

#2: Hitting on that hot new girl in marketing

She's probably in a state of near-panic to begin with. The last thing she needs is your drunk ass shuffling over and asking her what she wants for Christmas. Then telling her you have something you'd like to stuff in her stocking. Then taking her arm and leading her forcibly towards the men's room. The last thing you need is another restraining order.

#1: Suggesting the local strip joint as the logical next phase of the party

Leading the charge to Tom's Cats Adult Entertainment may seem like a good idea after a dozen shots of jagermeister. Some fellow alcoholics may even follow you. The ones that don't, however, will remember your vile "suggestion" and you will forever be branded "the office pervert". It's not as bad as being branded "the office sociopath", but it's close. It's damn close.

Who Killed the Electric Car?

Directed by: Chris Paine

I've been having a little problem with rage lately. Don't worry, I'm in therapy and the nice man in the white jacket says that I'll be fine if I can just stay away from the things that trigger my "episodes". You know what? I just finished watching "Who Killed the Electric Car?" and I'm off the wagon for good. Ah, sweet, sweet righteous anger...How I missed thee.

I think the best way to give you the vitals on this documentary is by providing you with a vulgar analogy: Let's say you are addicted to heroine. It's expensive, readily available and it will kill you eventually. Well, one day some guy comes up with a drug that gives you the exact same high as your precious smack, the only difference is it's cheaper and it is guaranteed to never, ever kill you. In fact, it may even make you healthier. This is a no brainer, right? Wait a second, not so fast my drug-addled friend. Your heroine dealer stands to lose a LOT of money in this deal. So he does what any self-respecting drug peddler would do...He destroys the new, safe drug and buries all evidence of it's exsistance.

I know what you're thinking, this could never really happen right? Well, it DID happen, but instead of "heroine", think "the internal combustion engine", and instead of "your smack dealer" think "government", "big oil" and "the automotive industry".

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go light a puppy on fire. I might as well. Apparently no one gives a shit about things like social responsibility anymore. I'll fit right in.

This movie does lose a couple of points for featuring an interview with Mel Gibson describing how much better off we would all be if we embraced electric car technology. How's that for a glowing endorsement? A drunken, anti-semitic lunatic loves the electric car?! I'll take two!

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Why Lewis Black is my Hero...Reason #156

Lewis Black

Homosexual penguins?!? The inmates are indeed running the asylum...

I haven't yet seen the film "Happy Feet", but I am very familiar with Mr. Lewis Black and his left-leaning political rants. Here he is again, in fine form leveling his laser-guided rage at the critics of this harmless, imaginative children's film.

By the way, if you happen to agree with any of the "reporters" whom Mr. Black is criticising, please leave my site. You might find this more to your liking. Moron.

Chinese Translation

M. Ward Chinese Translation

You are getting sleepy...

Let's slow things down a bit with this pretty little song from Matt Ward, who goes by his stage name, uhh...M. Ward. Something about that stage name is really cool, I can't quite put my finger on it though...Ah, well.

This video is gorgeous. It's like a piece of zen art. I guarantee it will put a little smile on your face regardless of the kind of day you just had or are having.

You can find out more about Matt and his music at: http://www.mwardmusic.com/

For those of you who are paying attention, yes I did just use the word "pretty". Get over it.

Dropkick Murphys

Spicy McHaggis

Al and Kenny tending bar. Hook me up with a Guinness mates!

Al Barr - Lead Vocals
Ken Casey - Lead Vocals, Bass
Matt Kelly - Drums, Bodhran, Vocals
James Lynch - Guitar, Vocals
Marc Orrell - Guitar, Accordion, Vocals
Tim Brennan - Mandolin, Accordion, Whistles
Scruffy Wallace - Bagpipes

Pssst...Hey, you. Yeah, you over there in the alternative rock section flipping through the Green Day cd's. Let me ask you a few things: Do you like REAL punk rock? Down-to-earth bands that don't take themselves too seriously? Dudes in kilts playing bagpipes and swilling Guinness? Yes? Then why the hell aren't you listening to the Dropkick Murphys? Sheesh...Kids these days....

The above video has the lads from Boston singing a tribute song to Spicy McHaggis, one of their two bagpipe players. Here is the essence of the Dropkick Murphys. I could have posted anything from one of their politically charged tunes like "Boys on the Docks" to one of their punk-a-rific covers of a traditional celtic ballad like "Black Velvet Band". Songs like the above, however, are what makes this band truly special. With all the angst, anger and negativiity oozing from "alternative" rock these days it's refreshing when these guys hit the stage and scream: "We are here to rock hard, drink beer, and have fun! Now quit whining and get in the fucking mosh pit!"

Okay, they didn't actually "say" that, but anyone who has ever been to one of their amazing live shows knows it's implied. I dare you to not get in the mosh pit. Nancy-boy.

Score: 12/12 drunk, Irish monkeys!

Johnny Depp is a pirate!

Johnny on Letterman

Great actor. Great Interview. 'Nuff said.

In honour of the release of "Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest" on DVD this week, I thought I would throw up a clip from this Johnny Depp Interview. This little chat with Letterman took place waaaay back in July, during the promotional run for this film. Needless to say, I'm a huge Depp fan, and this movie was one of the most entertaining films to hit theaters this past year. Be sure to check it out. The final film in the trilogy is going to swagger into theaters reeking of rum and saltwater in summer '07. Arrrrr Matey!

What's not to like about a trilogy that has pirates, Johnny Depp, and an undead monkey? You might say: "Well, they are Disney movies..." Okay, fair enough. But Depp's performance as Captain Jack Sparrow transcends Disney's usual schlock. If it is guilty of one sin, I guess that would be the sin of it's own financial success; jaded film buffs that usually avoid high-grossing "summer blockbusters" are missing out on some classic cinema here. So put down that film-festival award winning, foreign language film and go rent/buy this immediately. Tell them an undead monkey sent ya'.

Humans are no longer the dominant predator on the planet...

Liger

Where was this video shot? The Island of Doctor Moreau?

This video is exhibit "A" in the case that I am currently building against a group of mad scientists who have plans for world domination. Now I just need to locate their Island Fortress and stop them from breeding this thing with a ninja wolverine or something.

Seriously though; do any of you think this is a good idea? I was a huge Steve Irwin fan and he was tragically killed by a STINGRAY! Do we really need these things running around?!? Perhaps I am just being paranoid but I had a vivid nightmare last night after watching this video. A nightmare in which human beings were no longer running things on planet Earth. Sure, the environment was much better off and there were no longer any petty wars fueled by religious intolerance, but our Liger masters demanded that we hunt giant birds and mice for them and leave them at the doors to their caves.

George W. Bush and the religious right have a problem with stem cell research, but nobody has a problem with THIS? Where are our priorities people?

I'm going to go now and buy all the catnip I can afford, just in case our new masters need a "dealer" in the new world order.

The Hour

Host: George Stroumboulopoulos

I should probably be sleeping right now, instead I'm working on my list of "the top five people with whom I would love to have a beer". My avid readers out there -both of them!- can probably guess who is currently sitting in the number one spot. The man pictured above just made number two. Lucky him! When is a good time to call you and set it up George? Tommy isn't returning my calls...Sorry, in case you are not one of my two avid readers, here is the list so far:

1. Tom Robbins
2. The guy with FIVE! syllables in his last name and host of CBC's The Hour

You may have noticed that I didn't post a video clip of the show in question. The reason for this is quite simple: I want you to actually watch this show, not just "You Tube" it. Remember your poor, neglected television? He does still have a couple of things worth watching and he misses you. Here's a link to the offical website you lazy bastard. Do I have to do everything for you?

http://www.cbc.ca/thehour/

Check it out? Back already? Good. Did you happen to notice the casual way in which George conducts interviews with fascinating people? His intimate relationship with the camera? His personal ramblings and general accessibility? It's almost like watching a close personal friend fumble brilliantly through an hour of television, after daring him to do it at a drunken party the night before.

This is Canada's own Jon Stewart at the top of his game. Mixing pop-culture with heady politics in a style all his own. Give an hour of your time to The Hour. You won't regret it.

Score: 12/12 CANADIAN monkeys

Psiphon

Christmas is about to come a little bit early for millions of people around the world thanks to researchers from the University of Toronto's Citizen Lab. They are poised to stick a nifty little piece of software called Psiphon into the collective stockings of people living in totalitarian regimes.

Countries like China, Iran and Saudi Arabia have long been restricting access to much of the internet with nasty firewalls that keep their citizens from learning about little things like, oh...The Tiananmen Square massacre. This devious little fella' will allow users in those countries to "piggyback" into the 'net on the connections of those living in more open-minded countries like the United States and Canada. It's a simple idea, the kind of idea that makes you say things like:"Damn! That's so crazy it just might work..."

According to Ron Deibert, director of the Citizen Lab project it is very difficult -if not impossible- to detect, so nobody has to worry about the local thought police busting down their doors in the middle of the night.

Is anyone else really happy about this and proud to be a Canadian today? If you're not, then you damn well should be, skippy. This is a tiny step forward in what has otherwise been a whole lot of steps backward in the world lately. Information is indeed power and it's time to give a little bit of it back to the people.

Even if it doesn't work as advertised, it is -like many of the greatest Christmas gifts- the thought that counts.

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

The Borat Trailer

Had enough of this guy yet? I sure haven't...

Directed by: Larry Charles
Starring: Sacha Baron Cohen

There seems to be two distinct schools of thought on the whole "Borat" phenomenon. One is that he is a complete buffon, generating cheap laughs at the expense of unwitting victims. The other is that he is a genius, ushering in a whole new era of comedy: The "Mockumentary". I have to admit that I am firmly entrenched in the latter camp.

Beneath the surface of the "cheap laughs" there exsists a sharp, often frightening look at human psychology. Mr. Cohen understands that people tend to let their guard down when confronted with someone who they percieve to be inferior. As in one chilling scene where an all-American good ole' boy matter-of-factly states that every muslim and homosexual in the USA should be rounded up and imprisoned/executed. Funny stuff right? Umm..Not so much.

Don't let the highbrow psycho-babble scare you off though, this is inspired comedy of the highest order. Just be aware that not everyone will appreciate the humor. Also be aware that there is a fight scene between two naked men that will haunt you for the rest of your days.

As Borat would say: "I like you, do you like me?" I sure do Borat. I sure do.

Score: 11/12 monkeys

Wild Fire

Author: Nelson DeMille

Meet retired New York homicide detective John Corey. He's goofy, abrasive, socially inept and the ultimate alpha male. He's also one of the smartest, funniest, most endearing protagonists working in the modern thriller these days. Nelson DeMille rolls him out once more in this story about an insane multi-millionaire and his genocidal plan to solve the "terrorist problem" once and for all. He would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!

Actually, this is pretty freaky post-9/11 conspiracy theory stuff. DeMille claims that "Wild Fire" is the code name for a top secret govenment protocol that ensures the complete nuclear destruction of the entire Islamic world in the event that a weapon of mass destruction is ever used against the good ole' U.S of A.

Well, I for one am sure glad that they went into Iraq and got rid of those pesky weapons of mass destruction. They did get rid of them didn't they?

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Trainspotting

Trainspotting

Heroine Addiction isn't cool, but it makes a GREAT movie.

Directed by: Danny Boyle
Based on the novel by Irvine Welsh

I couldn't let one more day go by without sharing with you one of the greatest movies of all time. Suffice it to say that if my love of movies could be compared to a slow burning campfire, this film was the gasoline, nay...the napalm that got dumped on to turn me into the movie-crazed fanatic that I am today.

Allow me to set the scene for you...A crisp fall day back in 1996. Burned out on "action" movies and unfunny comedies, I had begun to think of movies as nothing more than junkfood for the mind. Sure, they allowed us to escape from our mundane exsistance for a couple of hours, but they did nothing to challenge us. Then, on the advice of a friend, I picked up Trainspotting from my local video store, fully expecting to be turning it off about halfway through. After all, what was all this nonesense about some film festival in France, and who cares if this movie won just about every award there...What the hell do french people know anyhow?

As it turns out, the french know plenty about wine, and even more about movies. To this day I attribute Trainspotting as the movie that rekindled my love of movies. It turned my apathy into enthusiasm. It is just as fresh and relevant today as it was ten years ago. If you haven't yet seen it, then what the hell are you waiting for? If you have, then my hat is off to you; you know a good film when you see one.

Score: 12/12 monkeys (Yes, this movie DOES have a poop throwing scene! Bonus!)

Remembrance Day

I'm sitting here beneath a sky the colour of raw slate, wondering what it must be like to be cut down by a bullet. To see the light go out of your best friend's eyes while you are trying to stop the bleeding with a dirty rag, all the while thanking some meciless god that it wasn't you; then living with the guilt of that for the rest of your life. To be ordered to sacrifice everything for a cause that you don't quite understand, for a faceless government that considers "losses of up to 30% within acceptable limits for this operation".

The problem is, I can't remember any of this. It is so far beyond my realm of experience, that the whole idea of a day devoted to remembering it seems almost comically absurd. In fact, why do I need to do any "remembering" anyway, when all this horror is going on right now.

A moment of silence for the fallen. A lifetime of outrage for those whose lives are still being thrown away in this disgusting fashion.

So let's all pay lip service to "Remebrance Day". If you asked me, we don't remember anything.

Art School Confidential

Directed by: Terry Zwigoff
Cast: I'm not mentioning any names...*cough* John Malkovich *cough*...

Here is a brief synopsis of my reactions while watching this movie (in chronological order): "Oh, what a funny movie! That is so true, those pretentious artistic-types ARE all like that. This has John Malkovich in it? That's fantastic, he's such a great actor. Wait a second, what is this subplot about a strangler? What happened to all the jokes? Suicide?!? What the hell? That's horrible!"

To say this movie squanders its potential at about the mid-point is an understatement. If you listen close enough you can actually hear the writers running out of ideas about 40 minutes in. They abandon a smart, funny story about a young art student and his first year at art school for a dark, ridiculous story about an undercover cop investigating a murderer.

If you needed a paycheck this bad Malcovich, next time consider doing some ads for 1-800-COLLECT or Subway. Those commercials have more artistic merit than this piece of bathroom-stall graffiti.

Score: 2/12 monkeys

American Gods

Author: Neil Gaiman

Do you remember that guy that you didn't hold the elevator for as he was struggling with all those bags? I have some bad news for you; he is a god. Note the non-capitalization. No "capital-G" gods around here, mister. In fact, according to Neil Gaiman gods are everywhere, they have been living among us since the first humans dragged the skulls of their prey back to their caves and worshipped them. Creepy, huh? Don't worry though, apparently America is not a very "healthy" place for the old gods like Thor and Kali. Due to the lack of goats/people being sacrificed in their name, they have been reduced to minmum wage slaves, two-bit hustlers and prostitutes. The new gods, however, have no such problems in this new land. The gods of television, technology, the internet and money are basking in the glory of this culture of greed and excess.

Reading this gave me the same feeling I can remember experiencing while reading "horror epics" like The Talisman by Stephen King, Carrion Comfort by Dan Simmons and even Swan Song by Robert R. McCammon. That feeling of being taken by the hand and led down a long, dark road full of nighmares. But at the end of that road you learn a little something about yourself. Like how you hate using metaphors about dark roads but you just couldn't think of anything else at the time. Damnit! There I go agian.

Score: 10/12 monkeys

The Greatest Line ever uttered on television?

Perhaps the greatest line ever spoken on South Park

Satan isn't as bad as Paris Hilton and her ilk...

I know what you're thinking. Proclaiming something to be the greatest line ever spoken in the history of television is a pretty bold statement. One could make a pretty convincing arguement for classics like M.A.S.H, I Love Lucy, Seinfeld or (insert your favorite TV show here). I'm not here to argue the legitimacy of my claim. I'm here to tell you that I'm right and you're wrong. The above South Park episode "Hell on Earth 2006" contains a line that is so dry, so devious, so dripping with irony and pregnant with sarcasm that I nearly...Nay, I DID soil myself when I first heard it...

"Come on Helen, let's just go back to Hell; I'm suddenly not so hungry for Accura cake."

Taken out of context, it doesn't look like much. Hell, it's not even spoken by any of the show's "main" characters. It just sorta' slides into your subconscious when you first hear it, and sits there like a timed explosive. You might not even laugh until much later, whilst standing in line at the bank perhaps, or stuck in traffic on your way to work. But you WILL laugh, and when the strangers in line with you, or the guys you car pool with look at you like you're smoking crack and ask you what's so funny, they just won't understand and you may have to "take care of them" if you know what I mean. Perhaps I have said too much.

Episode: 8/12 monkeys
The Greatest Line Ever: 12/12 monkeys