"You see how they condescend to us!?!"

It is my firm belief that if we are ever going to survive as a species and live harmoniously on this planet we must embrace all of the multi-layered cultures of the world. Or we could just make fun of how they talk. Yeah, let's do that...The second thing.

Why Couldn't The Pirate Get In To See The Movie?...Because It Was Rated Arrrrrr!

In honour of the release of Pirates of The Caribbean: At World's End today, I have assembled a list of the top five pirates to ever swagger drunkenly onto the silver screen. Movie pirates are often characterized by their strict adherence to stereotypes, outrageous overacting and their tendency to be played by some of the most gifted actors in Hollywood. The following five are no exception. So grab a bottle of rum, gouge out one of your eyes, find a parrot to molest, sit back and enjoy the list.

1. Captain Jack Sparrow (a.k.a. Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean)

Was there ever any doubt who would make the number one spot? Depp easily blows the competition out of the water with his twisted, salty portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow. He single-handedly made pirates "cool" again and rescued an otherwise by-the-numbers summer popcorn flick from mediocrity.

2. Captain Long John Silver (a.k.a Tim Curry, Muppet Treasure Island)



Everything is better with muppets. Everything. So why should this classic tale by Robert Louis Stevenson be any different? Perhaps the only thing better than muppets dressed up as pirates is Tim Curry (whatever happened to him anyway?) as the mutinous Captain Long John Silver. While he may not be the "manliest" pirate on the list he knows how to handle a pistol and he's got a mean singing voice. And he has one of the best sword fights ever filmed with Kermit the Frog. 'Nuff said.

3. Captain Hook (a.k.a Dustin Hoffman, Hook)



One of the most underrated movies of all time features one of best performances of Dustin Hoffman's career. Captain Hook is sort of the "James Bond" of Pirates, he's been played by so many different actors. Well, Dustin Hoffman is the "Sean Connery" of Captain Hooks. No one has ever played this seminal villian with a more over-the-top, balls-out performance. Shame that he has to get his ass kicked by a balding, pudgy Robin Williams. But these kind of risks come with the pirate territory.

4. The Dread Pirate Roberts (a.k.a. Cary Elwes, The Princess Bride)



Bringing this one home from the video store on a Saturday night when your girlfriend sends you out for a movie is a win-win situation. First of all, it is an amazingly awesome movie in every way, and secondly it will almost guarantee that you get some action that night. Why? Well, mostly because of Cary Elwes sly portrayal of The Dread Pirate Roberts, a.k.a The Man in Black, a.k.a. Westley. Not only does he look like he just stepped off the cover of a trashy romance novel, he is funny AND intelligent. He looses points for not having enough of that "pirate grit", but he gains a few for getting to bang Robin Wright. High Five Cary!

5. Steve The Pirate (a.k.a Alan Tudyk, Dodgeball)



Okay, so he's not a pirate in the traditional sense and I admit, I'm not even sure who the hell Alan Tudyk is, but there is something unspeakably beautiful about a grown man who thinks he is a pirate and plays professional Dodgeball. Steve is either a genius or insane, or both. Whatever the case, we can be sure of one thing; Steve has paved the way for random pirate characters in movies. I don't think I'm alone in saying that we need to see more of this. Can you imagine if Gone With The Wind had a random pirate character who would show up and utter cryptic sayings and then sail away on his civil-war era pirate ship? Now that's a movie I'd like to see!

Cassadaga

Artist: Bright Eyes

I must admit that my first impression of this new full-length album from Bright Eyes was lukewarm at best. The opening track "Clairaudients" fades in with the muted mumblings of a psychic woman consulting someone about "centers of energy" and "vortexes". After a full two minutes of this I was about to skip to the next track when Conor Oberst's haunted voice came bubbling up from the ether. His vocals on this track, and indeed most of the album, sound a little unlike the angst-riddled, suffering Conor that we are used to. He wails and croons with a self-assured bravado, sounding all the while like an artist completely at home and comfortable with his art.

It took about two or three complete listenings for my initial reservations to fade. Yes, this was indeed the same Bright Eyes that first hooked me in with "Landlocked Blues", in my opinion one of the most bittersweet and poignant balads ever written. They just sound a little less indie and a little more mainstream on most of Cassadaga. Like a small town band shouting from the highest building in the big city, letting everyone know that they can play with the big boys. The "big boys", however, could never write brilliant lyrics like this.

The tracks "Four Winds" and "Soul Singer in a Session Band" are infused with bubbly energy, while more Conor-esque suffering pervades tracks like "No One Would Riot For Less" and "Lime Tree". There is indeed something for everyone on this eclectic album. While it still doesn't measure up to the brilliance of "I'm Wide Awake It's Morning", it is growing on me. Kinda' like that toe fungus.

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Chillin' With Charlie The Unicorn

After that last post I've decided that I need to chill out a little. Need to focus my chi, balance my yin with my yang, inhale serenity and exhale thoughts of murderous rampages. Or I could just get high and watch Charlie the Unicorn.

Wow, I feel better already. What war in Iraq? Who's the president of the United States? Isn't it that old actor dude? Talking unicorns are funny. I can't believe I ate the whole bag of corn chips. Damn, I should be a doctor or something.

"Candy Mountain, Chaaaaarlieeee." I don't think I'll ever get tired of that.

Prince Harry Won't Be Killing Any Iraqis. At Least Not Legally.

It seems that Prince Harry, who is third in line for the British throne, has been told that war is simply too dangerous for a person of his stature. So despite his obvious desire to kill men, women and children from a whole other country, he will not be deployed to Iraq.

General Sir Richard Dannatt, the army chief of staff made the pronouncement yesterday, saying: "It would be a blow to morale if a member of the royal family, who is a genuine member of the armed forces, a serving officer, a real soldier, is too precious to be sacrificed, to be put in harm's way..."

Well, there's some breaking news for ya': War is dangerous and you might even get killed! Remember, you heard it here first. What I'd like to know is where the hell was this Dannatt guy three years ago when 18-year-old Matthew Alexander graduated from High school and enlisted to fight? He was killed in Iraq this past weekend. Thanks for nothing, Richie. Where the hell were you on that one?!? Why isn't this sage advice being given to the thousands of poor, underprivilaged kids who enlist in the military as their only hope of paying for college? Why didn't somebody tell 20-year-old Nick Hartge about the perils of warfare before he was killed in a raid on Monday? And where in the thrice-goddamned-hell were these paragons of common sense four years ago, when George "The Cowboy" Bush launched this bullshit pre-emptive war in the first place?

Okay, I admit that putting someone from the British Royal family in harm's way is just unthinkable. After all, where would that country be without it's royal family? Who would spend all the taxpayers money? Who would the tabloids write about every day? Who would cut ribbons at monument dedications and attend all the polo matches? It would be anarchy I tell you! Anarchy!

Bloodletting & Miraculous Cures

Author: Vincent Lam

To be honest, I'm a little burned out on "medical dramas". I was a rabidly devoted fan of ER for the first five or six seasons, before most of the original cast left, I've seen my share of "Life in the ER" style reality shows, I've had a passing interest in Grey's Anatomy and like most people, I've been in a hospital a time or two. So I'm not sure what posessed me to pick up this book and dive into yet ANOTHER story about burned-out doctors, difficult patients and poignant reflections on mortality. Perhaps it was the three pages of rave reviews or the fact that it won the Scotiabank Giller prize, or perhaps it was the nifty red cover with the cool picture of a heart; Who knows? Even after reading it I'm afraid that I can't offer you too much in the way of a recommendation because the forgettable characters and lack of a cohesive plot caused the entire thing to slip from my memory exactly two minutes after putting it down.

In all fairness though, Vincent Lam is a talented writer. His prose is polished and slick and his intimate knowledge of the medical profession (his "day job" is an emergency room physician) is evident throughout. The problem here is the subject matter itself. It's just one more kick at the dead-horse doctor drama, and while it is a good, solid kick, that animal just ain't breathing.

So unless you have some kind of unhealthy obsession with hospitals and all the messy business associated with them, I'd suggest taking this book off of life support and letting it die with dignity. Please Doctor Lam, don't quit your day job.

I guess they will hand out Giller prizes to just about anybody. Although, this is a step-up from last years winner: "My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad" by five-year-old Josh McLean. It is a scathing commentary on man's self-destructive pride. Written in crayon on cocktail napkins. With pictures.

Score: 5/12 monkeys

They're On To Us!

Those U.S. defense contractors are an incredibly insightful bunch. They have once again foiled Canada's plans for world domination. It seems that after receiving one of the ubiquitous "poppy" quarters in their change on a recent trip to Canada, the contractors in question logically assumed that it contained some sort of sophisticated spy technology. See the full story here.

It is important to remember that these are the same people behind the frighteningly Orwellian "homeland security" and "patriot act". These are grown men who still have the boogeyman living under their beds. If they can't keep us safe, well...Anybody can.

Okay guys, I guess the spy quarter was a bad idea. I mean, it's pretty obvious. Back to the drawing board. Perhaps we will have more luck with the mind-controlling drugs in Tim Hortons coffee or the highly trained army of ninja beavers. Or Celine Dion. Because when I think of the world falling under the ruthless domination of Canada, I think Celine Dion.