Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

The Borat Trailer

Had enough of this guy yet? I sure haven't...

Directed by: Larry Charles
Starring: Sacha Baron Cohen

There seems to be two distinct schools of thought on the whole "Borat" phenomenon. One is that he is a complete buffon, generating cheap laughs at the expense of unwitting victims. The other is that he is a genius, ushering in a whole new era of comedy: The "Mockumentary". I have to admit that I am firmly entrenched in the latter camp.

Beneath the surface of the "cheap laughs" there exsists a sharp, often frightening look at human psychology. Mr. Cohen understands that people tend to let their guard down when confronted with someone who they percieve to be inferior. As in one chilling scene where an all-American good ole' boy matter-of-factly states that every muslim and homosexual in the USA should be rounded up and imprisoned/executed. Funny stuff right? Umm..Not so much.

Don't let the highbrow psycho-babble scare you off though, this is inspired comedy of the highest order. Just be aware that not everyone will appreciate the humor. Also be aware that there is a fight scene between two naked men that will haunt you for the rest of your days.

As Borat would say: "I like you, do you like me?" I sure do Borat. I sure do.

Score: 11/12 monkeys

Wild Fire

Author: Nelson DeMille

Meet retired New York homicide detective John Corey. He's goofy, abrasive, socially inept and the ultimate alpha male. He's also one of the smartest, funniest, most endearing protagonists working in the modern thriller these days. Nelson DeMille rolls him out once more in this story about an insane multi-millionaire and his genocidal plan to solve the "terrorist problem" once and for all. He would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!

Actually, this is pretty freaky post-9/11 conspiracy theory stuff. DeMille claims that "Wild Fire" is the code name for a top secret govenment protocol that ensures the complete nuclear destruction of the entire Islamic world in the event that a weapon of mass destruction is ever used against the good ole' U.S of A.

Well, I for one am sure glad that they went into Iraq and got rid of those pesky weapons of mass destruction. They did get rid of them didn't they?

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Trainspotting

Trainspotting

Heroine Addiction isn't cool, but it makes a GREAT movie.

Directed by: Danny Boyle
Based on the novel by Irvine Welsh

I couldn't let one more day go by without sharing with you one of the greatest movies of all time. Suffice it to say that if my love of movies could be compared to a slow burning campfire, this film was the gasoline, nay...the napalm that got dumped on to turn me into the movie-crazed fanatic that I am today.

Allow me to set the scene for you...A crisp fall day back in 1996. Burned out on "action" movies and unfunny comedies, I had begun to think of movies as nothing more than junkfood for the mind. Sure, they allowed us to escape from our mundane exsistance for a couple of hours, but they did nothing to challenge us. Then, on the advice of a friend, I picked up Trainspotting from my local video store, fully expecting to be turning it off about halfway through. After all, what was all this nonesense about some film festival in France, and who cares if this movie won just about every award there...What the hell do french people know anyhow?

As it turns out, the french know plenty about wine, and even more about movies. To this day I attribute Trainspotting as the movie that rekindled my love of movies. It turned my apathy into enthusiasm. It is just as fresh and relevant today as it was ten years ago. If you haven't yet seen it, then what the hell are you waiting for? If you have, then my hat is off to you; you know a good film when you see one.

Score: 12/12 monkeys (Yes, this movie DOES have a poop throwing scene! Bonus!)

Remembrance Day

I'm sitting here beneath a sky the colour of raw slate, wondering what it must be like to be cut down by a bullet. To see the light go out of your best friend's eyes while you are trying to stop the bleeding with a dirty rag, all the while thanking some meciless god that it wasn't you; then living with the guilt of that for the rest of your life. To be ordered to sacrifice everything for a cause that you don't quite understand, for a faceless government that considers "losses of up to 30% within acceptable limits for this operation".

The problem is, I can't remember any of this. It is so far beyond my realm of experience, that the whole idea of a day devoted to remembering it seems almost comically absurd. In fact, why do I need to do any "remembering" anyway, when all this horror is going on right now.

A moment of silence for the fallen. A lifetime of outrage for those whose lives are still being thrown away in this disgusting fashion.

So let's all pay lip service to "Remebrance Day". If you asked me, we don't remember anything.

Art School Confidential

Directed by: Terry Zwigoff
Cast: I'm not mentioning any names...*cough* John Malkovich *cough*...

Here is a brief synopsis of my reactions while watching this movie (in chronological order): "Oh, what a funny movie! That is so true, those pretentious artistic-types ARE all like that. This has John Malkovich in it? That's fantastic, he's such a great actor. Wait a second, what is this subplot about a strangler? What happened to all the jokes? Suicide?!? What the hell? That's horrible!"

To say this movie squanders its potential at about the mid-point is an understatement. If you listen close enough you can actually hear the writers running out of ideas about 40 minutes in. They abandon a smart, funny story about a young art student and his first year at art school for a dark, ridiculous story about an undercover cop investigating a murderer.

If you needed a paycheck this bad Malcovich, next time consider doing some ads for 1-800-COLLECT or Subway. Those commercials have more artistic merit than this piece of bathroom-stall graffiti.

Score: 2/12 monkeys

American Gods

Author: Neil Gaiman

Do you remember that guy that you didn't hold the elevator for as he was struggling with all those bags? I have some bad news for you; he is a god. Note the non-capitalization. No "capital-G" gods around here, mister. In fact, according to Neil Gaiman gods are everywhere, they have been living among us since the first humans dragged the skulls of their prey back to their caves and worshipped them. Creepy, huh? Don't worry though, apparently America is not a very "healthy" place for the old gods like Thor and Kali. Due to the lack of goats/people being sacrificed in their name, they have been reduced to minmum wage slaves, two-bit hustlers and prostitutes. The new gods, however, have no such problems in this new land. The gods of television, technology, the internet and money are basking in the glory of this culture of greed and excess.

Reading this gave me the same feeling I can remember experiencing while reading "horror epics" like The Talisman by Stephen King, Carrion Comfort by Dan Simmons and even Swan Song by Robert R. McCammon. That feeling of being taken by the hand and led down a long, dark road full of nighmares. But at the end of that road you learn a little something about yourself. Like how you hate using metaphors about dark roads but you just couldn't think of anything else at the time. Damnit! There I go agian.

Score: 10/12 monkeys

The Greatest Line ever uttered on television?

Perhaps the greatest line ever spoken on South Park

Satan isn't as bad as Paris Hilton and her ilk...

I know what you're thinking. Proclaiming something to be the greatest line ever spoken in the history of television is a pretty bold statement. One could make a pretty convincing arguement for classics like M.A.S.H, I Love Lucy, Seinfeld or (insert your favorite TV show here). I'm not here to argue the legitimacy of my claim. I'm here to tell you that I'm right and you're wrong. The above South Park episode "Hell on Earth 2006" contains a line that is so dry, so devious, so dripping with irony and pregnant with sarcasm that I nearly...Nay, I DID soil myself when I first heard it...

"Come on Helen, let's just go back to Hell; I'm suddenly not so hungry for Accura cake."

Taken out of context, it doesn't look like much. Hell, it's not even spoken by any of the show's "main" characters. It just sorta' slides into your subconscious when you first hear it, and sits there like a timed explosive. You might not even laugh until much later, whilst standing in line at the bank perhaps, or stuck in traffic on your way to work. But you WILL laugh, and when the strangers in line with you, or the guys you car pool with look at you like you're smoking crack and ask you what's so funny, they just won't understand and you may have to "take care of them" if you know what I mean. Perhaps I have said too much.

Episode: 8/12 monkeys
The Greatest Line Ever: 12/12 monkeys