Happy Devil's Night!

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Wild Ducks Flying Backward

Author: Tom Robbins

If you've never read anything by Tom Robbins then I pity you. I really do. In fact, this blog was almost entirely devoted to Tom Robbins, and if I didn't have this damn ADD, you'd be reading excerpts from Even Cowgirls Get the Blues rather than my super-sexy reviews right about now.

Mr. Robbins playful prose and liberal useage of metaphor, alliteration and anthropomorphism make reading his work feel like being hit in the head by a giant, goofy metaphysical mallet. You'll laugh out loud occasionally, grin like an idiot the whole time, and occasionally say to yourself: "Gosh, I never thought of it like THAT before..."

This collection of his short writings is a good place to start. It serves as a sort of Tom Robbins "primer". It should be said that not everyone will like this stuff. It's a bit of an acquired taste, much like most of the finer things in life like Guinness and midget wrestling. It should also be said that if you don't like it, you're a big-dumb-stupid-head, nobody likes you and you are going to die alone. Wild Ducks Flying Backwards scores a 13 out of 12. Not possible you say? I say that anything is possible, and it's my blog so I'll do whatever the hell I want.

Score: 13/12 monkeys

Aqua Teen Hunger Force

All Hail Master Shake!

How can you not love a sociopathic milkshake?

Created by: Matt Maiellaro, Dave Willis

Burned out on The Simpsons and The Family Guy? South Park too tame for you? Have you ever fantasized that your whopper combo meal was talking to you? Never fear; The Aqua Teen Hunger Force has a place for you. Welcome Home.

The opening credits portray Frylock, Meatwad and "Master" Shake fighting crime, solving mysteries and triumphing over evil, which in itself is hilarious because they never really do any of those things. They just sorta' hang out around the house, occasionally try to kill each other and make life horrific for their neighbor, Carl. Are you laughing yet? If not then your inner child is truly dead.

Score: 9/12 monkeys

His Majesty's Dragon

Author: Naomi Novik

Word around the campfire is this is Peter Jackson's next project. If you don't know who Peter Jackson is, you can jump right back on your spaceship and go back to your home planet, freak. I know I would fork over ten bucks to see Mr. Jackson bring this particular tale to the big screen. It's got everything: Epic battles? Check. A likeable hero? Check. Stuffy French guys getting their asses handed to them? A big glowing check with sprinkles on top. Naomi Novik places us in the midst of the Napoleonic wars with the French about to make a play for Britian. At this point you might be afraid that you are about to learn a long, boring history lesson. Well, you would if it were true that dragons were real and badass pilots rode them into battle like giant, talking fighter planes. Cool? You bet. The monkeys had as much fun re-writing this as I did reading it.

Score: 11/12 monkeys

Halloween...Your last chance to forage

Halloween is nearly upon us again and for many of us it's crunch time. Financially disadvantaged people all across this great country will be taking to the streets in an attempt to stock up on enough high-calorie food to survive the coming winter. However, the pagan ritual of dressing in a costume proves to be an insurmountable roadblock for those of us who can barely afford a six-pack. The good news is, if you follow any of these five simple suggestions, you can fool the average suburbanite into thinking you are just another over-fed kid with a sack full of candy. I'm here to save lives. It's what I do.

1. The Derelict

This one shouldn't be too much of a stretch for you. You may want to first consider having a shower to wash some of the filth off, otherwise it'll just look like overkill. Put on as many ill-fitting clothes as you own, covering up the whole works with the creepy trench coat you used to flash sorority girls last summer. Finally, it helps to carry around a small, dead animal which you should constantly stroke and whisper to. TA-DA! you're a derelict. Now go get some candy!

2. The Delivery Man

This one may require the use of a piece of your furniture, ie: a large cardboard box or milk carton. Dig out the "gay" collered shirt your ex-mother-in-law gave you for Christmas three years ago. Still fit? Good. Now use a permanent marker to write "UPS" on the left breast, making sure that the spelling is correct. Now grab that box and go deliver it, delivery guy! Bonus: you can put all your candy loot RIGHT IN THE BOX!

3. Captain Tin Foil

You'll need the assistance of your buddy/social worker/parole officer for this one. First strip naked, (you can leave your underwear on if you like, to prevent chafing). Next, have your assistant wrap every bit of your exposed flesh in bright, shiny tin foil! Don't forget eye and beathing holes, otherwise captain tin foil's crime fighting and candy gathering career could meet a tragic end.

4. Pile O' Leaves

Apply two-sided tape to any comfortable, loose-fitting clothing (except your Tesla tour shirt 'cause it might get wrecked and it's bad-ass). Next, simply roll around in the big pile of leaves that your neighbor spent all morning raking. Once you are suitably covered, the candy is as good as yours. For added effect, scream and run away every time you see a rake.

5. The Dateline NBC Internet Predator

You'll have to start this one about a month in advance. Step one: Grow a big, creepy moustache. Step Two: get a bottle of peach schnapps and carry it around with you at all times. Step Three: Practise these six simple words over and over: "I just came here to talk". Add a pair of oversized sunglasses and you're all set! You may want to stay away from public schools while you are getting into character, unless you have already been court-ordered to do so. In that case house arrest may prevent you from trick-or-treating at all.

A Long Way Down

Author: Nick Hornby

Martin, Jess, JJ and Maureen have a problem: They can't kill themselves. Their chance meeting on the roof of a building on new years eve is the "excuse" that all four of them were looking for to not jump. So instead they take the "long way down" ie: the stairs.

If you're looking for sentimentality or weepy, Oprah-style revelations about the gift of life, move along; you're not gonna find 'em here. Hornby never surrenders to the urge to make this one of those goofy new age life affirming books. Instead, he plants us firmly in the heads of four VERY messed up people who struggle with the question: "Okay, I didn't kill myself....Now what the hell am I gonna do?" I know what I'd do, I'd start some fires. But I was gonna' do that anyway.

Score: 8/12 monkeys

Hate Me

Blue October - Hate me

Take the gun out of your mouth and sing along!

Artist: Blue October

Ah Texas; the state that gave us George W. Bush and 355 executions since 1974 is not known for it's "sensitive" side. Then along comes Blue October singing about longing, regret, and unrequited love. I'm kinda' surprised they haven't been shot and dragged behind a horse. Well, even if Texas doesn't appreciate them, the rest of the world sure does judging by the success of this single which peaked at number 2 on Billboards Modern Rock Tracks chart. I dare you to listen to this song and NOT think about some failed relationship or some chick/dude that ripped your heart out. For those of you that are -like myself- cold and dead inside, you'll have to take my word for it. Ten of my monkeys wept openly while re-writing this song.

Score: 10/12 monkeys

South Park: Make Love not Warcraft

South Park: Make Love Not Warcraft

"How do you kill that which has no life?"

Created by: Trey Parker and Matt Stone

If you don't watch South Park on a regular basis then you will get cancer. Don't blame me, it's a scientific fact. Trey Parker and Matt Stone can save your life, if you let them. Okay, okay...Forget about Baseketball, they must have been spoofing stupid movies by making a REALLY stupid movie or something. Yeah, that's it right guys?

For those of you who have ever hoofed down thirty hot pockets while waiting for a group to do Ragefire Chasm, this episode is for you. Fatass. The genius of South Park is how it can spoof pop culture without passing judgment on it. They never come right out and say that playing World of Warcraft for 25 straight hours is a bad thing. It's just....well....Funny. It took all of my monkeys to write this episode, with one difference from the original. They killed Kenny.

Score: 12/12 monkeys

Tigers sweeping Oakland

Few things are more glorious than watching an underdog kick the shit out of the competition. Kinda' like when I asked my boss for a raise and he said: "You don't even work here. Put the knife down and we'll talk about this....SECURITY!" I've been a Detroit fan since I was a kid, although for the last 22 years admitting that is like admitting I have a venereal disease. Watching them bitch-slap the Yankees in the ultimate David vs. Goliath story was awesome; watching them sweep Oakland in four games was a previously unseen level of awesomeness. I took the monkeys over to the little league field, gave them gloves, bats and Oakland jerseys. I played the role of "Detroit". Needless to say, I kicked the living shit out of them. Go get 'em Tigers!

Score: 11/12 monkeys

X-Men: The Last Stand

Directed by: Brett Ratner
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Ian McKellen

A more appropriate title would have been X-Men: The Last One Night Stand because it left me feeling dirty and violated. I didn't think it was possible to screw up a franchise that has millions of fans, a built-in audience and Ian Mckellen as a super villian but Brett Ratner pulls it off beautifully. I screened this one for the monkeys (they had also seen the first two vastly superior films) and they proceeded to hurl feces at the screen. One of them drooled on his typewriter and came up with: alkf920987 aw'''#. I took this to be close enough to the actual script, so it scores a one. Barely.

Score: 1/12 monkeys

Freakonomics

Authors: Steven D. Levitt, Steven J. Dubner

Economists were the guys we used to beat the piss out of in high school, right? Well, let me tell you something skippy; now that we're slinging slurpees at 7-11 those guys we beat up are now getting revenge by doing a little something I like to call: "Ruling the Earth." We really showed them didn't we? Steven Levitt, who has been described by the New York Times as a "Maverick Treasure Hunter" is different. He askes questions like: What makes the perfect parent? Where have all the criminals gone? and what do school teachers and sumo wrestlers have in common? He then applies the tools of economics to uncover some startling and surprising answers. It turns out that monkeys already have a fundemental understanding of economics so 9 of them knocked this one out easily. Who woulda' thunk it?

Score: 9/12 monkeys

Rome: Season 1

HBO production
Starring: Kevin McKidd, Ray Stevenson, Ciaran Hinds...It's H-B-friggin-O, there's LOTS OK?!?

They say "all roads lead to Rome."...I wasn't so sure so I tested this out on the road that runs past my house. Unless Rome looks an awful lot like Tom's Cats adult entertainment, then I guess they don't. Speaking of adult entertainment HBO's Rome is not for the kiddies. It does it's balls-out best at portraying the era in all of its backstabbing, bloody, casual-sex-with-your-sister glory (I'm not kidding). All hail Caesar! The guy, not the drink you simpleton. The monkeys had a hard time with this one, they looked so cute in their togas and sandals though.

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Hey Nostradamus!

Author: Douglas Coupland

There are two ways to get a thick-neck lumberjack to cry...Take away his Bud Light while kicking him in the balls or talk him into reading this novel. It opens with a "columbine-style" high school massacre and then explores the lives of four of the kids involved, one of them no longer among the living. Four of the monkeys committed suicide while attempting to reproduce this, leaving it with a default score of eight.

Score: 8/12 monkeys

Lucky Number Slevin

Directed by: Paul McGuigan
Starring: Josh Hartnett, Bruce Willis, Lucy Liu (Mmmmm..Lucy Liu)

This movie has Lucy Liu in it. 'Nuff said....Bah! okay, truth is I really wanted to like this movie, but the whole mess fell apart in the second act. I even started chanting to myself "You like this movie, you like this movie, you like this movie, etc." but I just couldn't make it true. If you're gonna make an action comedy a good rule of thumb is to not take ALL the jokes out of the last hour and substitute brutal violence. One of the monkeys got drunk last night and wrote this one....WITH IMPROVEMENTS.

Score: 1/12 monkeys

House

Created by: David Shore
Starring: Hugh Laurie

I wish Hugh Laurie was my doctor. I could show him this strange genital rash and he would ask me the hooker's name so he could avoid her next weekend..."Ahem!" What? oh, yeah. Truth is, Hugh Laurie isn't a REAL doctor, but if he's anything like the character he plays on T.V. he should be. This is the best hour on television, smart, funny and thought provoking. I gave the monkeys some basic medical training and it STILL took 11 of them to write an episode.

Score: 11/12 monkeys

Anansi Boys

Author: Neil Gaiman

This is what would happen if the monty python guys ever decided to write a horror novel. The humor is very "british"; dry and self-depricating, which I like, and the story itself is simple, fun and kinda' disturbing which I also like. So after a steady diet of shock therapy and raw human organs followed by several screenings of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, seven monkeys were able to reproduce this one.

Score: 7/12 monkeys

Thank You for Smoking

Directed by: Jason Reitman
Starring: Aaron Eckhart, Sam Elliot, William H. Macy, Robert Duvall...Lots of great cameos too

This one would take ten monkeys with a great sense of humor to hammer out. One of the best movies I've seen in the last two years and easily one of the funniest. Aaron Eckhart's big tobacco lobbyist, Nick Naylor is one of those characters that you just love to hate...At first. A funny thing happened to me at about the midpoint of the film. Despite the fact that Nick is morally bankrupt, I started sympathising with him, then downright cheering for him. Does that mean I am morally bankrupt too? Probably. Does that mean this is a great film? Definately.

Score: 10/12 monkeys