Infinite Monkey Award for The Greatest Thing of The Year

The Infinite Monkey award for the greatest thing I've seen all year goes to...Drumroll please...Stephen Colbert's brilliant speech at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner.

Let's face it, jokes at the expense of George W. Bush aren't exactly high comedy these days. In fact, they rank right up there with making fun of special olympic athletes or the elderly. It's just too damn easy. It does, however, take giant balls of solid titanium to mock The President of the United States on national television while he is sitting right next to you.

Apparently, Baby Bush wasn't too pleased. Awww...Poor little fella'. If you asked me, it's WAY past time someone wrote this moron a reality check. Clinton was impeached for lying about a blowjob, meanwhile junior's "victory" in Iraq has cost more than 3000 young, innocent lives and all he's gotten so far is a gentle ribbing. Well, no one ever said life was fair, but at least we have people like Stephen Colbert to make us laugh at the injustice of it all.

Score: 12/12 monkeys & Infinite Monkeys Greatest Thing Award, 2006

Finally some truth in advertising...

I'm not sure if this clip broke in 05' or 06' but who cares? It still deserves a place of honor in my "best of 2k6" compilation.

I often wonder just how many Dells went flying off the shelves after "Randy" gave them this glowing endorsement.

*Bonus: If you listen closely right before he hangs up he sneaks in one more "Porno!"

Randy, my hat is off to you...Now if only they came with a "left-handed mouse".

Tom Mabe OWNS a Telemarketer

Number 2 on my list of "awesomeness in 2006" is this audio clip of a telemarketer getting bitch-slapped by comedian Tom Mabe. If you are wondering why these annoyingly invasive calls are now mostly automated, here is your answer. It's much more difficult to convince a machine that it has just called a crime scene and may be an accessory to murder. By the end of this clip, I actually felt a pang of pity for the poor guy, which is amazing considering my usual reaction of wishing these people a slow, painful death.

Here It Goes Again by Ok Go

This should win an award for...umm...SOMETHING, damnit!

The week between Christmas and New Year's Day is one of my favorite times of the year. Boxing day sales make it easy to justify buying all the stuff you really wanted but your worthless family was too cheap to shell out for, all the "year in review" programs on TV make us nostalgic for a year that isn't even over yet, and nobody judges you for being drunk off your ass most of the time because, hey...It's the holidays!

I thought I would do my own "year in review", with a twist. Instead of regurgitating depressing news stories about the insane war in Iraq, or all the famous people who cashed in their chips, I thought I would put a positive spin on things and tell you about some of the stuff that made me smile/laugh in good 'ole 2006.

Here we have not only the best video of the year, but the most creative use of a piece of fitness equipment EVER. Unless you count that time that I used a skipping rope to tie up that cheerleader....Ummm....Nevermind. Forget I said anything.

A Trailer Park Boys Christmas

Christmas Special Trailer Park Boys
Video sent by colbybear

Well you unappreciative bastards, here is my fourth and final gift. The complete one hour Trailer Park Boys Christmas Special. The great thing about this episode is it also doubles as a drinking game. Just take one drink every time the F-word is used and two drinks every time you see Julian take a sip from his ever-present rum and coke. It's fun for the whole family! Happy Holidays! See you in Rehab!

Robot Chicken Christmas

Robot Chicken -121- Christmas 2005
Video sent by clucker

It's amazing what a few motivated individuals can do with action figures and stop-motion animation these days. Welcome to the world of Robot Chicken. Seth Green and company have a special holiday message for you: Japanese inspired animation and Chrsitmas don't mix, and Santa is a coke dealer! Stuff that in your stocking. It's kinda' like "It's a Wonderful Life", except in colour, and with more laser battles. Enjoy!

Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past

ATHF - 209 - Cybernetic Ghost
Video sent by Smilee1

This just isn't right at all...That's why I love it so much...

On the second day of Christmas my love monkey gave to me....Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode for free!

Well this is about as close as the ATHF gets to a Christmas episode, so here it is for your viewing enjoyment. It features a swimming pool filled with elf blood. Don't say I didn't warn you, you sick bastard. HO! HO! HO!

Christmas, South Park Style

woodland critter christmas
Video sent by limblessjudo

A nice, wholesome christmas episode. Sorta'...

Merry Christmas to all my loyal readers (both of you)! In the true spirit of the season, I'll be throwing up some gifts for your twisted enjoyment. A new one EVERY DAY until Christmas. That's four, in case you are mathematically challenged like me.

You've just unwrapped the COMPLETE "Woodland Critter Christmas" episode from South Park. And no, you can't take it back if you don't like it. I lost the reciept. Aloha!

A Complicated Kindness

Author: Miriam Toews

"There was a new sign in the Tomboy window. COME ON IN AND CHECK OUT OUR NEW MEAT DEPARTMENT! I stared at it for a while. And then I crossed the little parking lot and went in and walked to the back of the store and looked at the pieces of meat behind the glass. The butcher, who was also the man who opened the windows in church with a long stick that had a hook on the end of it, said hello and wondered if there was something he could do for me. I told him I was just checking out the meat.
This is the new meat department? I asked.
That's right, he said. We've expanded our selection. He spread his arms.
I nodded. It's nice, I said. It's very um...you have a lot of interesting meat products here.
Yes, he said, we're very happy with it.
Yeah, I said. Well, me too. I smiled. He smiled."

-a complicated kindness
Miriam Toews

The passage above is just an appetizer in this wonderful banquet of a book. It's a straightforward narrative told from the perspective of 16-year-old Nomi Nickel. The simple, elegant prose draws you into the life of a little girl struggling not only with adulthood, but with the religious fundamentalism of her Mennonite community. Nomi bites, kicks and thrashes at the world in an attempt to understand why her family is falling apart, why her boyfriend is so aloof, and, most of all, how people can claim to care for you while at the same time imposing tortureous, inhuman dogma.

Despite the title, this is a brilliantly uncomplicated story. There are great depths of emotion to be found here, and an unflinching perspective so clear that you'd think Miriam Toews has written an autobiography of her own childhood experiences.

My only petty complaint is that it too short and I read it too fast. Not much of a complaint eh? Well, that's all I got. Deal with it.

Score: 11/12 monkeys

An Inconvenient Truth

Directed by: Davis Guggenheim
Starring: Al Gore, Al Gore's Laptop, Al Gore's Ego and Al Gore's Hypocrisy

Looks like Al Gore is running for political office again. He must be, why else would he produce this 90-minute campaign ad, not-so-cleverly disguised as a documentary on global warming? Our buddy Al spends most of those 90 minutes in front of a giant, expensive-looking powerpoint presentation, giving us the hard facts about the imminent demise of our planet. He quotes dubious sources that he simply identifies as "a friend of mine", or "My scientist buddy". He blames the current administration for their laughable enviromental policy while in the same breath claims that this isn't a political issue. He strangles a homeless guy and drowns a kitten.

Okay, he didn't do those last two things, but he might as well have. The zombies sitting in his studio audience would never question the infinite wisdom of Al Gore. Is that homeless guy okay? Who cares...Look, Al is showing a clip from The Simpsons!

I can't quite get my head around this "documentary". On one hand, many of the facts are quite staggering and the raw data is very sobering. On the other hand, we have an over-paid, ex-vice president driving and flying around the country telling us to try to cut down on our carbon dioxide emissions. Ummm, we can't burn any more fuel Al...You fucking used it all!

For over twenty years we have had brilliant, respected people like David Suzuki and Laurie David warning us about the environmental toll we humans are taking on mother earth. I urge you to visit their sites and contribute if you can. Hey, If it takes a snakeoil salesman like Al Gore to mobilize you into thinking about these issues, than I guess that's better than nothing. Just promise me one thing; if he ever does run for office again, run the other way.

Score: 2/12 monkeys

Pick Your Pony!

For those of you who enjoy a friendly wager now and then, get ready because nothing says "fun" like betting on The Golden Globes! Seriously, it's the Superbowl for pop-culture junkies like me. Got any predictions? Care to make things interesting? Want to buy a monkey? Shoot me an e-mail and we'll get down to biz-nass.

For a complete list of the nominees go HERE

I'm actually pretty stoked about this year's awards. Who wouldn't love to see Sacha Baron Cohen hit the stage in full Borat gear to accept the award for best actor in a musical/comedy? Or Hugh Laurie bitch-slap the competition (as he should) and walk away with his second golden globe for House, M.D.? Or another drunk, idiot celebrity go on a racial slur tirade in front of millions of viewers? I can't wait! High Five!

Top 5 Worst Things You Can Do at the Office Christmas Party

Don't be this guy

Worst case scenario. Don't let this happen to YOU!

The holiday season means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. There are, however, at least two experiences that we all have in common. The first being our complete loss of basic human decency as we push through pregnant women, crippled children and the elderly to get our hands on this years hottest gift. The second is, of course, the dreaded office Christmas party. Remember last year? You still can't look Brenda from marketing in the eye can you? Somebody should have told you ornaments were flammable, right? Well, that's where I come in. The following are the top five behaviors to avoid at all costs. Getting drunk is optional, but highly recommended.

#5: Getting High

The only thing worse than being surrounded by drunk people who have the power to fire you, is being surrounded by drunk people who have the power to fire you while paranoid and hungry. Save this for the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer marathon later. You'll need it.

#4: "Forgetting" about the secret santa portion of the evening

No one will buy the fact that you "forgot" to pick up a ten dollar, crap-tastic gift for someone you barely know. Avoid the shame, stop at 7-11 on the way over and get some gift certificates or something, cheapskate.

#3: Telling the boss your awesome ideas about how to improve *blank*

Just because you read about it on the internet, that doesn't mean the CEO of your company is going to love the idea of rationing staples or installing hammocks or whatever. Remember: You are drunk and you work in the mailroom for a reason.

#2: Hitting on that hot new girl in marketing

She's probably in a state of near-panic to begin with. The last thing she needs is your drunk ass shuffling over and asking her what she wants for Christmas. Then telling her you have something you'd like to stuff in her stocking. Then taking her arm and leading her forcibly towards the men's room. The last thing you need is another restraining order.

#1: Suggesting the local strip joint as the logical next phase of the party

Leading the charge to Tom's Cats Adult Entertainment may seem like a good idea after a dozen shots of jagermeister. Some fellow alcoholics may even follow you. The ones that don't, however, will remember your vile "suggestion" and you will forever be branded "the office pervert". It's not as bad as being branded "the office sociopath", but it's close. It's damn close.

Who Killed the Electric Car?

Directed by: Chris Paine

I've been having a little problem with rage lately. Don't worry, I'm in therapy and the nice man in the white jacket says that I'll be fine if I can just stay away from the things that trigger my "episodes". You know what? I just finished watching "Who Killed the Electric Car?" and I'm off the wagon for good. Ah, sweet, sweet righteous anger...How I missed thee.

I think the best way to give you the vitals on this documentary is by providing you with a vulgar analogy: Let's say you are addicted to heroine. It's expensive, readily available and it will kill you eventually. Well, one day some guy comes up with a drug that gives you the exact same high as your precious smack, the only difference is it's cheaper and it is guaranteed to never, ever kill you. In fact, it may even make you healthier. This is a no brainer, right? Wait a second, not so fast my drug-addled friend. Your heroine dealer stands to lose a LOT of money in this deal. So he does what any self-respecting drug peddler would do...He destroys the new, safe drug and buries all evidence of it's exsistance.

I know what you're thinking, this could never really happen right? Well, it DID happen, but instead of "heroine", think "the internal combustion engine", and instead of "your smack dealer" think "government", "big oil" and "the automotive industry".

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go light a puppy on fire. I might as well. Apparently no one gives a shit about things like social responsibility anymore. I'll fit right in.

This movie does lose a couple of points for featuring an interview with Mel Gibson describing how much better off we would all be if we embraced electric car technology. How's that for a glowing endorsement? A drunken, anti-semitic lunatic loves the electric car?! I'll take two!

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Why Lewis Black is my Hero...Reason #156

Lewis Black

Homosexual penguins?!? The inmates are indeed running the asylum...

I haven't yet seen the film "Happy Feet", but I am very familiar with Mr. Lewis Black and his left-leaning political rants. Here he is again, in fine form leveling his laser-guided rage at the critics of this harmless, imaginative children's film.

By the way, if you happen to agree with any of the "reporters" whom Mr. Black is criticising, please leave my site. You might find this more to your liking. Moron.

Chinese Translation

M. Ward Chinese Translation

You are getting sleepy...

Let's slow things down a bit with this pretty little song from Matt Ward, who goes by his stage name, uhh...M. Ward. Something about that stage name is really cool, I can't quite put my finger on it though...Ah, well.

This video is gorgeous. It's like a piece of zen art. I guarantee it will put a little smile on your face regardless of the kind of day you just had or are having.

You can find out more about Matt and his music at: http://www.mwardmusic.com/

For those of you who are paying attention, yes I did just use the word "pretty". Get over it.

Dropkick Murphys

Spicy McHaggis

Al and Kenny tending bar. Hook me up with a Guinness mates!

Al Barr - Lead Vocals
Ken Casey - Lead Vocals, Bass
Matt Kelly - Drums, Bodhran, Vocals
James Lynch - Guitar, Vocals
Marc Orrell - Guitar, Accordion, Vocals
Tim Brennan - Mandolin, Accordion, Whistles
Scruffy Wallace - Bagpipes

Pssst...Hey, you. Yeah, you over there in the alternative rock section flipping through the Green Day cd's. Let me ask you a few things: Do you like REAL punk rock? Down-to-earth bands that don't take themselves too seriously? Dudes in kilts playing bagpipes and swilling Guinness? Yes? Then why the hell aren't you listening to the Dropkick Murphys? Sheesh...Kids these days....

The above video has the lads from Boston singing a tribute song to Spicy McHaggis, one of their two bagpipe players. Here is the essence of the Dropkick Murphys. I could have posted anything from one of their politically charged tunes like "Boys on the Docks" to one of their punk-a-rific covers of a traditional celtic ballad like "Black Velvet Band". Songs like the above, however, are what makes this band truly special. With all the angst, anger and negativiity oozing from "alternative" rock these days it's refreshing when these guys hit the stage and scream: "We are here to rock hard, drink beer, and have fun! Now quit whining and get in the fucking mosh pit!"

Okay, they didn't actually "say" that, but anyone who has ever been to one of their amazing live shows knows it's implied. I dare you to not get in the mosh pit. Nancy-boy.

Score: 12/12 drunk, Irish monkeys!

Johnny Depp is a pirate!

Johnny on Letterman

Great actor. Great Interview. 'Nuff said.

In honour of the release of "Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest" on DVD this week, I thought I would throw up a clip from this Johnny Depp Interview. This little chat with Letterman took place waaaay back in July, during the promotional run for this film. Needless to say, I'm a huge Depp fan, and this movie was one of the most entertaining films to hit theaters this past year. Be sure to check it out. The final film in the trilogy is going to swagger into theaters reeking of rum and saltwater in summer '07. Arrrrr Matey!

What's not to like about a trilogy that has pirates, Johnny Depp, and an undead monkey? You might say: "Well, they are Disney movies..." Okay, fair enough. But Depp's performance as Captain Jack Sparrow transcends Disney's usual schlock. If it is guilty of one sin, I guess that would be the sin of it's own financial success; jaded film buffs that usually avoid high-grossing "summer blockbusters" are missing out on some classic cinema here. So put down that film-festival award winning, foreign language film and go rent/buy this immediately. Tell them an undead monkey sent ya'.

Humans are no longer the dominant predator on the planet...

Liger

Where was this video shot? The Island of Doctor Moreau?

This video is exhibit "A" in the case that I am currently building against a group of mad scientists who have plans for world domination. Now I just need to locate their Island Fortress and stop them from breeding this thing with a ninja wolverine or something.

Seriously though; do any of you think this is a good idea? I was a huge Steve Irwin fan and he was tragically killed by a STINGRAY! Do we really need these things running around?!? Perhaps I am just being paranoid but I had a vivid nightmare last night after watching this video. A nightmare in which human beings were no longer running things on planet Earth. Sure, the environment was much better off and there were no longer any petty wars fueled by religious intolerance, but our Liger masters demanded that we hunt giant birds and mice for them and leave them at the doors to their caves.

George W. Bush and the religious right have a problem with stem cell research, but nobody has a problem with THIS? Where are our priorities people?

I'm going to go now and buy all the catnip I can afford, just in case our new masters need a "dealer" in the new world order.

The Hour

Host: George Stroumboulopoulos

I should probably be sleeping right now, instead I'm working on my list of "the top five people with whom I would love to have a beer". My avid readers out there -both of them!- can probably guess who is currently sitting in the number one spot. The man pictured above just made number two. Lucky him! When is a good time to call you and set it up George? Tommy isn't returning my calls...Sorry, in case you are not one of my two avid readers, here is the list so far:

1. Tom Robbins
2. The guy with FIVE! syllables in his last name and host of CBC's The Hour

You may have noticed that I didn't post a video clip of the show in question. The reason for this is quite simple: I want you to actually watch this show, not just "You Tube" it. Remember your poor, neglected television? He does still have a couple of things worth watching and he misses you. Here's a link to the offical website you lazy bastard. Do I have to do everything for you?

http://www.cbc.ca/thehour/

Check it out? Back already? Good. Did you happen to notice the casual way in which George conducts interviews with fascinating people? His intimate relationship with the camera? His personal ramblings and general accessibility? It's almost like watching a close personal friend fumble brilliantly through an hour of television, after daring him to do it at a drunken party the night before.

This is Canada's own Jon Stewart at the top of his game. Mixing pop-culture with heady politics in a style all his own. Give an hour of your time to The Hour. You won't regret it.

Score: 12/12 CANADIAN monkeys

Psiphon

Christmas is about to come a little bit early for millions of people around the world thanks to researchers from the University of Toronto's Citizen Lab. They are poised to stick a nifty little piece of software called Psiphon into the collective stockings of people living in totalitarian regimes.

Countries like China, Iran and Saudi Arabia have long been restricting access to much of the internet with nasty firewalls that keep their citizens from learning about little things like, oh...The Tiananmen Square massacre. This devious little fella' will allow users in those countries to "piggyback" into the 'net on the connections of those living in more open-minded countries like the United States and Canada. It's a simple idea, the kind of idea that makes you say things like:"Damn! That's so crazy it just might work..."

According to Ron Deibert, director of the Citizen Lab project it is very difficult -if not impossible- to detect, so nobody has to worry about the local thought police busting down their doors in the middle of the night.

Is anyone else really happy about this and proud to be a Canadian today? If you're not, then you damn well should be, skippy. This is a tiny step forward in what has otherwise been a whole lot of steps backward in the world lately. Information is indeed power and it's time to give a little bit of it back to the people.

Even if it doesn't work as advertised, it is -like many of the greatest Christmas gifts- the thought that counts.

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

The Borat Trailer

Had enough of this guy yet? I sure haven't...

Directed by: Larry Charles
Starring: Sacha Baron Cohen

There seems to be two distinct schools of thought on the whole "Borat" phenomenon. One is that he is a complete buffon, generating cheap laughs at the expense of unwitting victims. The other is that he is a genius, ushering in a whole new era of comedy: The "Mockumentary". I have to admit that I am firmly entrenched in the latter camp.

Beneath the surface of the "cheap laughs" there exsists a sharp, often frightening look at human psychology. Mr. Cohen understands that people tend to let their guard down when confronted with someone who they percieve to be inferior. As in one chilling scene where an all-American good ole' boy matter-of-factly states that every muslim and homosexual in the USA should be rounded up and imprisoned/executed. Funny stuff right? Umm..Not so much.

Don't let the highbrow psycho-babble scare you off though, this is inspired comedy of the highest order. Just be aware that not everyone will appreciate the humor. Also be aware that there is a fight scene between two naked men that will haunt you for the rest of your days.

As Borat would say: "I like you, do you like me?" I sure do Borat. I sure do.

Score: 11/12 monkeys

Wild Fire

Author: Nelson DeMille

Meet retired New York homicide detective John Corey. He's goofy, abrasive, socially inept and the ultimate alpha male. He's also one of the smartest, funniest, most endearing protagonists working in the modern thriller these days. Nelson DeMille rolls him out once more in this story about an insane multi-millionaire and his genocidal plan to solve the "terrorist problem" once and for all. He would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!

Actually, this is pretty freaky post-9/11 conspiracy theory stuff. DeMille claims that "Wild Fire" is the code name for a top secret govenment protocol that ensures the complete nuclear destruction of the entire Islamic world in the event that a weapon of mass destruction is ever used against the good ole' U.S of A.

Well, I for one am sure glad that they went into Iraq and got rid of those pesky weapons of mass destruction. They did get rid of them didn't they?

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Trainspotting

Trainspotting

Heroine Addiction isn't cool, but it makes a GREAT movie.

Directed by: Danny Boyle
Based on the novel by Irvine Welsh

I couldn't let one more day go by without sharing with you one of the greatest movies of all time. Suffice it to say that if my love of movies could be compared to a slow burning campfire, this film was the gasoline, nay...the napalm that got dumped on to turn me into the movie-crazed fanatic that I am today.

Allow me to set the scene for you...A crisp fall day back in 1996. Burned out on "action" movies and unfunny comedies, I had begun to think of movies as nothing more than junkfood for the mind. Sure, they allowed us to escape from our mundane exsistance for a couple of hours, but they did nothing to challenge us. Then, on the advice of a friend, I picked up Trainspotting from my local video store, fully expecting to be turning it off about halfway through. After all, what was all this nonesense about some film festival in France, and who cares if this movie won just about every award there...What the hell do french people know anyhow?

As it turns out, the french know plenty about wine, and even more about movies. To this day I attribute Trainspotting as the movie that rekindled my love of movies. It turned my apathy into enthusiasm. It is just as fresh and relevant today as it was ten years ago. If you haven't yet seen it, then what the hell are you waiting for? If you have, then my hat is off to you; you know a good film when you see one.

Score: 12/12 monkeys (Yes, this movie DOES have a poop throwing scene! Bonus!)

Remembrance Day

I'm sitting here beneath a sky the colour of raw slate, wondering what it must be like to be cut down by a bullet. To see the light go out of your best friend's eyes while you are trying to stop the bleeding with a dirty rag, all the while thanking some meciless god that it wasn't you; then living with the guilt of that for the rest of your life. To be ordered to sacrifice everything for a cause that you don't quite understand, for a faceless government that considers "losses of up to 30% within acceptable limits for this operation".

The problem is, I can't remember any of this. It is so far beyond my realm of experience, that the whole idea of a day devoted to remembering it seems almost comically absurd. In fact, why do I need to do any "remembering" anyway, when all this horror is going on right now.

A moment of silence for the fallen. A lifetime of outrage for those whose lives are still being thrown away in this disgusting fashion.

So let's all pay lip service to "Remebrance Day". If you asked me, we don't remember anything.

Art School Confidential

Directed by: Terry Zwigoff
Cast: I'm not mentioning any names...*cough* John Malkovich *cough*...

Here is a brief synopsis of my reactions while watching this movie (in chronological order): "Oh, what a funny movie! That is so true, those pretentious artistic-types ARE all like that. This has John Malkovich in it? That's fantastic, he's such a great actor. Wait a second, what is this subplot about a strangler? What happened to all the jokes? Suicide?!? What the hell? That's horrible!"

To say this movie squanders its potential at about the mid-point is an understatement. If you listen close enough you can actually hear the writers running out of ideas about 40 minutes in. They abandon a smart, funny story about a young art student and his first year at art school for a dark, ridiculous story about an undercover cop investigating a murderer.

If you needed a paycheck this bad Malcovich, next time consider doing some ads for 1-800-COLLECT or Subway. Those commercials have more artistic merit than this piece of bathroom-stall graffiti.

Score: 2/12 monkeys

American Gods

Author: Neil Gaiman

Do you remember that guy that you didn't hold the elevator for as he was struggling with all those bags? I have some bad news for you; he is a god. Note the non-capitalization. No "capital-G" gods around here, mister. In fact, according to Neil Gaiman gods are everywhere, they have been living among us since the first humans dragged the skulls of their prey back to their caves and worshipped them. Creepy, huh? Don't worry though, apparently America is not a very "healthy" place for the old gods like Thor and Kali. Due to the lack of goats/people being sacrificed in their name, they have been reduced to minmum wage slaves, two-bit hustlers and prostitutes. The new gods, however, have no such problems in this new land. The gods of television, technology, the internet and money are basking in the glory of this culture of greed and excess.

Reading this gave me the same feeling I can remember experiencing while reading "horror epics" like The Talisman by Stephen King, Carrion Comfort by Dan Simmons and even Swan Song by Robert R. McCammon. That feeling of being taken by the hand and led down a long, dark road full of nighmares. But at the end of that road you learn a little something about yourself. Like how you hate using metaphors about dark roads but you just couldn't think of anything else at the time. Damnit! There I go agian.

Score: 10/12 monkeys

The Greatest Line ever uttered on television?

Perhaps the greatest line ever spoken on South Park

Satan isn't as bad as Paris Hilton and her ilk...

I know what you're thinking. Proclaiming something to be the greatest line ever spoken in the history of television is a pretty bold statement. One could make a pretty convincing arguement for classics like M.A.S.H, I Love Lucy, Seinfeld or (insert your favorite TV show here). I'm not here to argue the legitimacy of my claim. I'm here to tell you that I'm right and you're wrong. The above South Park episode "Hell on Earth 2006" contains a line that is so dry, so devious, so dripping with irony and pregnant with sarcasm that I nearly...Nay, I DID soil myself when I first heard it...

"Come on Helen, let's just go back to Hell; I'm suddenly not so hungry for Accura cake."

Taken out of context, it doesn't look like much. Hell, it's not even spoken by any of the show's "main" characters. It just sorta' slides into your subconscious when you first hear it, and sits there like a timed explosive. You might not even laugh until much later, whilst standing in line at the bank perhaps, or stuck in traffic on your way to work. But you WILL laugh, and when the strangers in line with you, or the guys you car pool with look at you like you're smoking crack and ask you what's so funny, they just won't understand and you may have to "take care of them" if you know what I mean. Perhaps I have said too much.

Episode: 8/12 monkeys
The Greatest Line Ever: 12/12 monkeys

Happy Devil's Night!

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Wild Ducks Flying Backward

Author: Tom Robbins

If you've never read anything by Tom Robbins then I pity you. I really do. In fact, this blog was almost entirely devoted to Tom Robbins, and if I didn't have this damn ADD, you'd be reading excerpts from Even Cowgirls Get the Blues rather than my super-sexy reviews right about now.

Mr. Robbins playful prose and liberal useage of metaphor, alliteration and anthropomorphism make reading his work feel like being hit in the head by a giant, goofy metaphysical mallet. You'll laugh out loud occasionally, grin like an idiot the whole time, and occasionally say to yourself: "Gosh, I never thought of it like THAT before..."

This collection of his short writings is a good place to start. It serves as a sort of Tom Robbins "primer". It should be said that not everyone will like this stuff. It's a bit of an acquired taste, much like most of the finer things in life like Guinness and midget wrestling. It should also be said that if you don't like it, you're a big-dumb-stupid-head, nobody likes you and you are going to die alone. Wild Ducks Flying Backwards scores a 13 out of 12. Not possible you say? I say that anything is possible, and it's my blog so I'll do whatever the hell I want.

Score: 13/12 monkeys

Aqua Teen Hunger Force

All Hail Master Shake!

How can you not love a sociopathic milkshake?

Created by: Matt Maiellaro, Dave Willis

Burned out on The Simpsons and The Family Guy? South Park too tame for you? Have you ever fantasized that your whopper combo meal was talking to you? Never fear; The Aqua Teen Hunger Force has a place for you. Welcome Home.

The opening credits portray Frylock, Meatwad and "Master" Shake fighting crime, solving mysteries and triumphing over evil, which in itself is hilarious because they never really do any of those things. They just sorta' hang out around the house, occasionally try to kill each other and make life horrific for their neighbor, Carl. Are you laughing yet? If not then your inner child is truly dead.

Score: 9/12 monkeys

His Majesty's Dragon

Author: Naomi Novik

Word around the campfire is this is Peter Jackson's next project. If you don't know who Peter Jackson is, you can jump right back on your spaceship and go back to your home planet, freak. I know I would fork over ten bucks to see Mr. Jackson bring this particular tale to the big screen. It's got everything: Epic battles? Check. A likeable hero? Check. Stuffy French guys getting their asses handed to them? A big glowing check with sprinkles on top. Naomi Novik places us in the midst of the Napoleonic wars with the French about to make a play for Britian. At this point you might be afraid that you are about to learn a long, boring history lesson. Well, you would if it were true that dragons were real and badass pilots rode them into battle like giant, talking fighter planes. Cool? You bet. The monkeys had as much fun re-writing this as I did reading it.

Score: 11/12 monkeys

Halloween...Your last chance to forage

Halloween is nearly upon us again and for many of us it's crunch time. Financially disadvantaged people all across this great country will be taking to the streets in an attempt to stock up on enough high-calorie food to survive the coming winter. However, the pagan ritual of dressing in a costume proves to be an insurmountable roadblock for those of us who can barely afford a six-pack. The good news is, if you follow any of these five simple suggestions, you can fool the average suburbanite into thinking you are just another over-fed kid with a sack full of candy. I'm here to save lives. It's what I do.

1. The Derelict

This one shouldn't be too much of a stretch for you. You may want to first consider having a shower to wash some of the filth off, otherwise it'll just look like overkill. Put on as many ill-fitting clothes as you own, covering up the whole works with the creepy trench coat you used to flash sorority girls last summer. Finally, it helps to carry around a small, dead animal which you should constantly stroke and whisper to. TA-DA! you're a derelict. Now go get some candy!

2. The Delivery Man

This one may require the use of a piece of your furniture, ie: a large cardboard box or milk carton. Dig out the "gay" collered shirt your ex-mother-in-law gave you for Christmas three years ago. Still fit? Good. Now use a permanent marker to write "UPS" on the left breast, making sure that the spelling is correct. Now grab that box and go deliver it, delivery guy! Bonus: you can put all your candy loot RIGHT IN THE BOX!

3. Captain Tin Foil

You'll need the assistance of your buddy/social worker/parole officer for this one. First strip naked, (you can leave your underwear on if you like, to prevent chafing). Next, have your assistant wrap every bit of your exposed flesh in bright, shiny tin foil! Don't forget eye and beathing holes, otherwise captain tin foil's crime fighting and candy gathering career could meet a tragic end.

4. Pile O' Leaves

Apply two-sided tape to any comfortable, loose-fitting clothing (except your Tesla tour shirt 'cause it might get wrecked and it's bad-ass). Next, simply roll around in the big pile of leaves that your neighbor spent all morning raking. Once you are suitably covered, the candy is as good as yours. For added effect, scream and run away every time you see a rake.

5. The Dateline NBC Internet Predator

You'll have to start this one about a month in advance. Step one: Grow a big, creepy moustache. Step Two: get a bottle of peach schnapps and carry it around with you at all times. Step Three: Practise these six simple words over and over: "I just came here to talk". Add a pair of oversized sunglasses and you're all set! You may want to stay away from public schools while you are getting into character, unless you have already been court-ordered to do so. In that case house arrest may prevent you from trick-or-treating at all.

A Long Way Down

Author: Nick Hornby

Martin, Jess, JJ and Maureen have a problem: They can't kill themselves. Their chance meeting on the roof of a building on new years eve is the "excuse" that all four of them were looking for to not jump. So instead they take the "long way down" ie: the stairs.

If you're looking for sentimentality or weepy, Oprah-style revelations about the gift of life, move along; you're not gonna find 'em here. Hornby never surrenders to the urge to make this one of those goofy new age life affirming books. Instead, he plants us firmly in the heads of four VERY messed up people who struggle with the question: "Okay, I didn't kill myself....Now what the hell am I gonna do?" I know what I'd do, I'd start some fires. But I was gonna' do that anyway.

Score: 8/12 monkeys

Hate Me

Blue October - Hate me

Take the gun out of your mouth and sing along!

Artist: Blue October

Ah Texas; the state that gave us George W. Bush and 355 executions since 1974 is not known for it's "sensitive" side. Then along comes Blue October singing about longing, regret, and unrequited love. I'm kinda' surprised they haven't been shot and dragged behind a horse. Well, even if Texas doesn't appreciate them, the rest of the world sure does judging by the success of this single which peaked at number 2 on Billboards Modern Rock Tracks chart. I dare you to listen to this song and NOT think about some failed relationship or some chick/dude that ripped your heart out. For those of you that are -like myself- cold and dead inside, you'll have to take my word for it. Ten of my monkeys wept openly while re-writing this song.

Score: 10/12 monkeys

South Park: Make Love not Warcraft

South Park: Make Love Not Warcraft

"How do you kill that which has no life?"

Created by: Trey Parker and Matt Stone

If you don't watch South Park on a regular basis then you will get cancer. Don't blame me, it's a scientific fact. Trey Parker and Matt Stone can save your life, if you let them. Okay, okay...Forget about Baseketball, they must have been spoofing stupid movies by making a REALLY stupid movie or something. Yeah, that's it right guys?

For those of you who have ever hoofed down thirty hot pockets while waiting for a group to do Ragefire Chasm, this episode is for you. Fatass. The genius of South Park is how it can spoof pop culture without passing judgment on it. They never come right out and say that playing World of Warcraft for 25 straight hours is a bad thing. It's just....well....Funny. It took all of my monkeys to write this episode, with one difference from the original. They killed Kenny.

Score: 12/12 monkeys

Tigers sweeping Oakland

Few things are more glorious than watching an underdog kick the shit out of the competition. Kinda' like when I asked my boss for a raise and he said: "You don't even work here. Put the knife down and we'll talk about this....SECURITY!" I've been a Detroit fan since I was a kid, although for the last 22 years admitting that is like admitting I have a venereal disease. Watching them bitch-slap the Yankees in the ultimate David vs. Goliath story was awesome; watching them sweep Oakland in four games was a previously unseen level of awesomeness. I took the monkeys over to the little league field, gave them gloves, bats and Oakland jerseys. I played the role of "Detroit". Needless to say, I kicked the living shit out of them. Go get 'em Tigers!

Score: 11/12 monkeys

X-Men: The Last Stand

Directed by: Brett Ratner
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Ian McKellen

A more appropriate title would have been X-Men: The Last One Night Stand because it left me feeling dirty and violated. I didn't think it was possible to screw up a franchise that has millions of fans, a built-in audience and Ian Mckellen as a super villian but Brett Ratner pulls it off beautifully. I screened this one for the monkeys (they had also seen the first two vastly superior films) and they proceeded to hurl feces at the screen. One of them drooled on his typewriter and came up with: alkf920987 aw'''#. I took this to be close enough to the actual script, so it scores a one. Barely.

Score: 1/12 monkeys

Freakonomics

Authors: Steven D. Levitt, Steven J. Dubner

Economists were the guys we used to beat the piss out of in high school, right? Well, let me tell you something skippy; now that we're slinging slurpees at 7-11 those guys we beat up are now getting revenge by doing a little something I like to call: "Ruling the Earth." We really showed them didn't we? Steven Levitt, who has been described by the New York Times as a "Maverick Treasure Hunter" is different. He askes questions like: What makes the perfect parent? Where have all the criminals gone? and what do school teachers and sumo wrestlers have in common? He then applies the tools of economics to uncover some startling and surprising answers. It turns out that monkeys already have a fundemental understanding of economics so 9 of them knocked this one out easily. Who woulda' thunk it?

Score: 9/12 monkeys

Rome: Season 1

HBO production
Starring: Kevin McKidd, Ray Stevenson, Ciaran Hinds...It's H-B-friggin-O, there's LOTS OK?!?

They say "all roads lead to Rome."...I wasn't so sure so I tested this out on the road that runs past my house. Unless Rome looks an awful lot like Tom's Cats adult entertainment, then I guess they don't. Speaking of adult entertainment HBO's Rome is not for the kiddies. It does it's balls-out best at portraying the era in all of its backstabbing, bloody, casual-sex-with-your-sister glory (I'm not kidding). All hail Caesar! The guy, not the drink you simpleton. The monkeys had a hard time with this one, they looked so cute in their togas and sandals though.

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Hey Nostradamus!

Author: Douglas Coupland

There are two ways to get a thick-neck lumberjack to cry...Take away his Bud Light while kicking him in the balls or talk him into reading this novel. It opens with a "columbine-style" high school massacre and then explores the lives of four of the kids involved, one of them no longer among the living. Four of the monkeys committed suicide while attempting to reproduce this, leaving it with a default score of eight.

Score: 8/12 monkeys

Lucky Number Slevin

Directed by: Paul McGuigan
Starring: Josh Hartnett, Bruce Willis, Lucy Liu (Mmmmm..Lucy Liu)

This movie has Lucy Liu in it. 'Nuff said....Bah! okay, truth is I really wanted to like this movie, but the whole mess fell apart in the second act. I even started chanting to myself "You like this movie, you like this movie, you like this movie, etc." but I just couldn't make it true. If you're gonna make an action comedy a good rule of thumb is to not take ALL the jokes out of the last hour and substitute brutal violence. One of the monkeys got drunk last night and wrote this one....WITH IMPROVEMENTS.

Score: 1/12 monkeys

House

Created by: David Shore
Starring: Hugh Laurie

I wish Hugh Laurie was my doctor. I could show him this strange genital rash and he would ask me the hooker's name so he could avoid her next weekend..."Ahem!" What? oh, yeah. Truth is, Hugh Laurie isn't a REAL doctor, but if he's anything like the character he plays on T.V. he should be. This is the best hour on television, smart, funny and thought provoking. I gave the monkeys some basic medical training and it STILL took 11 of them to write an episode.

Score: 11/12 monkeys

Anansi Boys

Author: Neil Gaiman

This is what would happen if the monty python guys ever decided to write a horror novel. The humor is very "british"; dry and self-depricating, which I like, and the story itself is simple, fun and kinda' disturbing which I also like. So after a steady diet of shock therapy and raw human organs followed by several screenings of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, seven monkeys were able to reproduce this one.

Score: 7/12 monkeys

Thank You for Smoking

Directed by: Jason Reitman
Starring: Aaron Eckhart, Sam Elliot, William H. Macy, Robert Duvall...Lots of great cameos too

This one would take ten monkeys with a great sense of humor to hammer out. One of the best movies I've seen in the last two years and easily one of the funniest. Aaron Eckhart's big tobacco lobbyist, Nick Naylor is one of those characters that you just love to hate...At first. A funny thing happened to me at about the midpoint of the film. Despite the fact that Nick is morally bankrupt, I started sympathising with him, then downright cheering for him. Does that mean I am morally bankrupt too? Probably. Does that mean this is a great film? Definately.

Score: 10/12 monkeys