Infinite Monkeys

Three Final Thoughts

2008-12-22T06:39:00.000-08:00

Goodbye, Thank You and Merry Christmas....

Despite what you believe this blog has not been about movie reviews, book criticisms or pop culture inspired rants. Now that I am signing off on it after a long absence I think I can tip my cards and show you what it has been about all along and why I can't sustain it.

Did any of you ever read any of the books, listen to any of the music or laugh at the videos that I spent hours reading, watching, and writing about? It doesn't matter. What you people do on your own time, it the privacy of your own windowless vans or bus shelters is of no concern to me. I didn't do any of this for you weirdos anyway.

I did all of this for one person. It didn't begin that way, but that is what it became and that is how it ends. She read every word from afar even when she had to do so covertly. She took me seriously even when I couldn't. She laughed at my stupid jokes and assured me I was a good writer even when I knew I was a hack. She called and e-mailed and talked about things like Canadian literature and Leonard Cohen. She helped make, and is still making me a better writer -and person- every day.

I don't blog on Infinite Monkeys anymore because I don't need to. I live with this woman now and I will soon marry her. If I want to "impress" her with a witty remark or show her a stupid video I don't have to do it across the interweb anymore. Even though she looks at me sometimes and I wonder if she wouldn't prefer my antics confined to cyberspace again.

Merry Christmas Sheila. This blog, for as long as it exists, is my gift to you. It always belonged to you anyway.

-Michael

www.theautoblography.blogspot.com

Sleepwalking Into The Future

2008-02-19T09:07:00.000-08:00

If you listen very closely you can hear it...The spectral chanting in another room of a billion voices counting down to midnight...The abuses visited upon ourselves and the home of our host will not be soon forgotten. The blinding, deafining, orgiastic shamelessness of it all will be the topic of conversation for generations to come...History will remember us, however unkindly.

So stagger over to the bar and grab one last barrel of sweet, light crude. The fossil fuel party is just about over. And there are not enough painkillers on earth to dampen the screaming bitch of a hangover that waits for us all tomorrow...

I don`t normally give myself over to alarmist schools of thought. Generally it is my unshakeable belief that life is pretty damn good and we should strive to make the most of it every day. Occasionally however, someone will come along and piss on my silver lining, undulate my aura of peace and tranquility and pollute my pristine pool of yin with a dark oily abundance of yang. Lately, that someone has been James Howard Kunstler. He`s a plain-speaking intellectual gunslinger of a man with a message that makes the current enviromental movement look like a bunch of kids with their fingers jammed haphazardly into the dyke. Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness, Al Gore. Kunstler is pulling back the curtain on the most inconvenient truth of them all: Our so-called society is on the brink of collapse and no one -not governments, educators, business leaders or the media- is prepared to do a goddamned thing about it.

Just so you can share in my paranoia, I`ve helpfully included all five parts of his recent interview with the online edition of Orion magazine. If that`s not enough and the obsessive compulsive side of your nature demands more straight talk about where our species is headed if we continue on this narrow road, you can pick up his book: The Long Emergency. You may also want to work on your farming skills. Looks like you`re going to need them.

A Walk Into January

2008-01-07T11:18:00.000-08:00

A sodden trip through the memory of snow
Embraces boots,
Exposes roots
And exhales with wet malevolence.

The silver salt lick flash of sky
Brings into sharp relief
The precious scarcity of emerald and the brief
Gasp as summer's fiery pallette lies down to die.

The trail flows through broken bones of trees
The whispering scent of loamy earth
And graveyards marking the brief lives of countless flowers.

I'm Not There

2007-12-27T07:05:00.000-08:00

"Who's going to mind the zoo?"

Whenever someone asks me: "What is your favorite movie?" I have no real answer. I love many different films for several different reasons. It's like picking your favorite kid at the orphanage, or your favorite sunset; it's all subjective. So picking my "favorite" from a lifetime of appreciation has always been an impossible task. Until now....

Say hello to Bob Dylan. Say hello to the outlaw, the poet and the fake. Say goodbye to conventional film making. Goodbye and good riddance. Now here we have a movie that requires some effort on the part of the viewer. Here we have a movie that you MUST watch more than once. You just want to watch stuff get blowed up? You want a moron rubbing pate on his balls and wrestling a pit bull? Keep going. This is a film for people who not only love films. This is a film for people who want to be challenged, uplifted, emotionally shaken and intellectually sucker-punched. This is a direction sign on the road to self-awareness. This is MY FAVORITE MOVIE. There, I told you. Now stop asking me.

I think we can all agree that Bob Dylan is a pretty interesting guy. We watch him perform, listen to his music, dive deeper and deeper into the layers of meaning contained in his songs. We get the impression of a brilliant, often troubled rebel. What we can never get with another human being, however, is an all-access backstage pass to gaze at their most intimate mechanisms. Those things that make us tick, sing, cry, laugh, and get out of bed every day to do something that half the world thinks is useless and the other half doesn't know enough about to care.

If you watch closely, you will see all of this and more. All of the facets of the man's personae take human form, frolic, fuck and fight in the waking dream of his subconscious. Subtle metaphors are around every corner; The perversion of art for corporate gain, the selling off of a country's soul, the reconciliation of what makes us "old" and what makes us "young"....

I could go on about this movie forever, but I won't. I've already wasted enough of your time. Time you could have spent watching one of the best movies to come along in my -and probably your- lifetime.

Some of The Best Music You`ve (Probably) Never Heard

2007-12-20T05:34:00.000-08:00

If you don't like spaghetti and have nightmares about forty-story tall fast food mascots chasing you through crowded carnivals while praying for Spiderman to save you....That's okay.

If you've ever had a long, deep conversations with yourself about the nature of DARK MATTER turn into a screaming match while stopped at a red light....You're normal.

If the monsters that live under your bed and in your closet re-arrange your living room furniture while you're putting in a double shift at the meat packing plant according to your specifications...No one is judging you. Even if they break your favorite lamp.

If you watch CNN, Fox News or The Home Shopping Network....We're willing to look the other way.

If, however, you happen to listen to Indie music....That's just not normal. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I mean, COME ON! We're trying to have a society here. You are a worthless animal, sir, and I shall immediately report you to the authorities.

This seems to be the prevailing wisdom when it comes to the consumption of modern music. Well, I'm here to tell you that these well-established nuggets of folk wisdom are not always right. Particularly about music. And Fox News. I think the other three are pretty accurate (I hope).

The holiday season is the perfect time for the uninitiated and veteran fan alike to dig into the fertile grounds of Indie music. End-of-the-year "Top 10-100" lists are popping up everywhere making it fun and easy to discover a new artist. While these retrospectives are often just a chance for media sites like Pitchfork and Rolling Stone to prove that they are edgy and smarter than you by naming obscure, unlistenable albums as the greatest musical achievements of the year, they do a great service for bands that often don't get the attention they deserve.

Here are a few of my personal favorites. No particular order or ranking system here (I don't like the implication that one album is "better" than another. It's a matter of individual taste, after all). Stick one of these in a music lovers stocking this Christmas and then sit back smugly as they praise you for your well-informed taste...

We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank

Modest Mouse

"The first track screams jarring french-sounding curses, the tenth in a heart wrenching ballad with one of the most tear-inducing videos I've EVER seen. These guys do everything right."

Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

Spoon

"This album is growing on me like a strange, soft, sweet-smelling fungus."

Reunion Tour

The Weakerthans

"Tongue-in-cheek, double entendre-laden lyrics rattled perfectly from a vocalist who sounds a lot like Greig Nori from Treble Charger...Great stuff!"

The Meanest of Times

Dropkick Murphys

"Their reworking of the traditional 'Johnny I Hardly Knew Ya' into a punk-rock masterpiece is reason enough to buy this album."

Cassadaga

Bright Eyes

"One of my all-time favorites...Folk lightly blended with blues and dashed with country."

Neon Bible

Arcade Fire

"After listening to this album for the first time, I found it inconceivable that this Montreal-based band wasn't ruling the world and printing their own money...It's fricking TRANSCENDENT."

Sawdust

The Killers

"Any band that features Lou Reed on an albums first track is a band worth paying attention to."

Trinity Revisited

Cowboy Junkies

"A reworking of the iconic 'Trinity Sessions', Margo Timmons proves she still has one of the most hauntingly beautiful voices around and these songs are just as relevant today as they were twenty years ago."

Begin To Hope

Regina Spektor

"This was actually released in 2006, but I stumbled across her this year, so she's new to ME. Fun, thoughtful lyrics from a refreshing voice that doesn't take itself too seriously."

Icky Thump

The White Stripes

"Jack and Meg continue to blur all the lines and re-write all the rules for post-modern rock. And they have a hell of a good time doing it."

Oh, Seven

2007-12-18T05:30:00.000-08:00

We came to Bali to wash the oil from our hands
Absolve ourselves, resolve ourselves. That soft, consoling sound.
Haunted by Kyoto's ghost
With his corpse not yet in the ground.
With the shamelessness of little boys whose dying mother, in all her selfishness
Can no longer afford their toys.

I see Christmas greetings from the troops
These snowstorms are knocking out power
Warnings of lead paint from China
Walmart open for its twenty-fifth hour.....
Great gift ideas under twenty dollars!
Please won't you sponsor a child?
A new Rambo movie in theatres soon!?!
Lines are open for the first three hundred callers.

I've often thought about shutting it off,
Strapping on my shoes and leaving my home
But I'd rather sit in this warm electric light
And witness the Fall of Rome.

Don't lose your temper in a foreign airport
Or march for democracy in Myanmar
Don't violate digital copyright laws
Or smoke with a child inside your car.
Because it's better to be safe than it is to be free
In two thousand and nineteen-eighty four.
While the anatomy of our apathy has born a psychotic dichotomy:
Peace is only possible if we fight an endless, unwinnable war.

Give me more corrupt politicians
And insurgents with improvised explosive devices
More PlayStation threes
Ex-boxes and Wii's
In the back of Humvees
That we can drive to a friend
And tell him we don't comprehend
These ridiculous gasoline prices.

Let's celebrate mediocrity and dance with the stars!
Watch them check out of rehab or thrown behind bars.
Let's open up Facebook
Or Google 'Sudan'
Let's check out that video on YouTube
Of the beheading in Afghanistan.

Because it's 1933 and they're burning books again
Throw a coin in the well and follow it down
The inmates are running things around here, my friend
And the circus never left town.

The Shock Doctrine Rage

2007-09-19T07:57:00.000-07:00

Two things have been preventing me from achieving the calm, relaxed state of "oneness" that Buddhism promises. Actually, make that three things if you take into account that I'm not actually a Buddhist. I like to think of myself as a neo-Buddhist atheist; I'm completely zen about my disbelief in God. But I digress. Those two things have been my steady diet of "revolutionary" media over the past couple of weeks, namely: Naomi Klein's newest book, The Shock Doctrine and the musical stylings of Rage Against The Machine. Not only am I decidedly non-zen lately, I'm ready to start a Che Guevara-style uprising.

Before the local thought police come busting down my door, let me explain. I was a huge fan of Naomi Klein's first book "No Logo" which blew the whistle on out-of-control corporate branding and free-market exploitation. So when I heard that she had a new book hitting the shelves, one that had taken her four years to research and write, I gave it the full J.K. Rowling treatment and camped outside my local bookstore on the day of its release. I snatched the first copy out of the box, rushed home and began reading the intimidating 600-page colossus. This is where things start getting a little scary....

The subject matter of this book and the essence of Ms Klein's argument is what she calls "The Rise of Disaster Capitalism". It is, essentially, the idea that sweeping and unpopular economic and free-market reforms, such as the selling-off of state-run industry to private foreign corporations, can only be imposed on a population following a "shock" such as a natural disaster, terrorist act or bloody military coup. The book treats us to a "behind the scenes" re-telling of modern history, from Pinochet's 1974 iron-fisted military junta in Chile all the way to the current Iraq quagmire. We see the strong-arm extortion tactics used by the IMF and World Bank after the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991 and the Asian economic crisis a few years later. We see the "selling off" of housing projects to real estate developers intent on building seaside resorts after hurricane Katrina. We see the privatization of modern warfare. All the while the rich and powerful gain more wealth and power and the poor and disenfranchised sink even deeper into the free-market abyss. It's terrifying stuff, and I decided, somewhere towards the mid-point of the book that it would be complimented wonderfully by a little Rage Against The Machine. Songs like "Bombtrack", "Guerrilla Radio" and "Renegades of Funk" became the soundtrack to my reading experience.

In retrospect, perhaps this was a bad idea.

I experienced, and am still suffering from, what I call "SDR" or "Shock Doctrine Rage". A state of extreme passive-aggressive behavior complimented by feelings of global insignificance. My ears also hurt a little bit from all the loud music.

Don't worry, I'm sure I'll be okay. Oddly enough, watching O.J. Simpson take the fall for armed robbery and kidnapping is extremely therapeutic. Now all I need to see is Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld charged with crimes against humanity and my optimism will be fully restored. Or I could just whip up some pancakes. I loves me the pancakes.

The Virtue Of The Vicious

2007-09-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

"Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious" -Oscar Wilde

As a product of the e-mail generation I've become accustomed to deleting "chain" e-mails. They used to piss me off, but now I just view them as one of the little annoying prices we pay for our modern conveniences. Until today that is, when I received one from someone on my "friend's" list (soon to be amended) that made me very, very angry. I'll attempt to reconstruct it here:

I HOPE I DO NOT HEAR OF ANYONE BREAKING THIS ONE OR SEE DELETED...

SLEEP LAST NIGHT?
Bed a little lumpy...Toss and turn any...Wish the heat was higher...Maybe the a/c wasn't on...Had to go to the john..Need a drink of water...???Scroll down...

Yes.... It is like that!Count your blessings, pray for them,Talk to your Creator and the next time when...the other car cuts you off and you must hit the brakes, or you have to park a little further from Walmart than you want to be, or you're served slightly warm food at the restaurant, or you're sitting and cursing the traffic in front of you,or the shower runs out of hot water!, Think of them...Protecting your freedom!

Aside from the obvious punctuation and grammatical errors, the above infuriates me so much because it is a great example of this new brand of patriotic bullying and neo-christian guilt. I can't drive two blocks without seeing ten car magnets that demand I support the troops. I can't turn on the television without seeing an American flag waving or grief-stricken families crying beside the ground-zero monument in New York. It's emotional arm-twisting and it has to stop. Why? Because it's bullshit, that's why.

The troops fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan are ALL VOLUNTEERS. There was no draft. They chose to do this. It sickens me to think about all the young lives being thrown away, but don't demand that I support it. I don't. I never will. A lot of people are becoming very rich as a result of these conflicts, and guess what...Not a single one of them is pictured above. They are all tucked safely behind desks at the corporate offices of Haliburton and Blackwater. These poor kids are not protecting your freedom, they are protecting your governments financial investments.

Who the hell is my "Creator" and why should I be talking to him/her/it about this? The only creators I have are my parents and they can't really provide me with too much insight on these matters (although they can provide me with a free, delicious meal once in a while). So don't try and scare me into falling in line with your superstitious bogey-men either. Besides, if there really is a god (there isn't) do you really think he/she/it would approve of our war-for-profit scheme?

To those of you that have been perpetuating this particular chain mail I just wanted to let you know that yes I "broke" it and yes I deleted it. I also slept just fine last night. Thanks for asking.

All Hope Abandon, Ye Who Enter Here

2007-09-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

People who shop at Walmart Supercentres scare the hell out of me. They push, shove and jockey for position amongst rows of Spongebob Squarepants spiral notebooks. They yell at their crying children to try on three different pairs of sweatshop-produced shoes. They all posses the same furtive, desperate look made worse by the sickly fluorescent light and recycled air. They cannot possibly conceive of a better place to spend a Saturday afternoon.

There is only one other place on Earth that comes close to this level of depravity. One other place where this unique brand of human sadness is dealt daily. That place is called Tim Hortons (aka: the "Walmart" of coffee shops). Thousands of poor, tired souls choke the drive-thru and counter area every morning, waiting for their turn to buy an overpriced, second-rate cup of coffee. The garish plastic tables are full of loud, obnoxious businessmen holding "meetings" and senior citizens who have grown tired of the community centre and need an alternative place to complain that it isn't 1957 anymore.

Well my friends, I have some "good" news. There is no longer any need to go to two different places to have your spirit crushed and your will to live stolen by a faceless corporation. In the interest of providing one stop shopping for soul destruction Walmart and Tim Hortons are JOINING FORCES. You can read the complete, apocalyptic story here. That's right, now you can be jacked-up on caffeine as you fight your way to the electronics section to grab up the half-priced Pauly Shore DVDs.

Now if they only offered liquor and assisted suicides there would never be any reason to go anywhere else. Ever.

You Say Goodbye, And I Say Hell-no

2007-09-13T06:14:00.000-07:00

It seems that all good things must indeed come to an end....

Mediocre and half-assed things, therefore, can go on forever. So it looks like you're stuck with me.

You didn't actually think I was going to pack up and ride off into the wan light of some virtual sunset did you? Harry Potter?!? Did you really think that the legacy I was prepared to leave was some stupid post about the final Harry Potter novel!?! Oh ye of little faith. The cold, hard, ugly truth is that I simply took the summer off to pursue other "interests" (read: "lying on the beach, drinking Corona and working on my novel about an evil, spacefaring race of ninja monkeys).

By the way, I am currently undergoing some renovations to the site so if you happen to notice some glitches, ugly-ass blobs of stray code or are simply unable to view the damn thing then....ummmm....you wouldn't be able to read this, would you? Uh....Nevermind.

That's it for now, chumps. The monkey-man is back. Leaner, meaner and more repulsive than ever. So slide into a nice dress and slop on some lipstick 'cause I'm about to make you my bitch. Again.

Harry Potter's Final Spell

2007-07-22T11:53:00.000-07:00

We open our eyes to the emptiness. A warm wind blows, pregnant with dust, through the deserted streets. Somewhere, a child is crying. Thousands of receipts from alien places litter the road, places like "Barnes and Noble", "Chapters" and "Coles". We snatch one as it flutters by and study it through blood-weary eyes. It says: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. They all do.

So it ends. After nine years, 4085 pages, five feature films and millions of adoring fans, J.K. Rowling has finally laid this seminal series to rest. Teenagers all over the world have sequestered themselves in their rooms today, maintaining their vigil with an almost religious intensity as their final trip to Hogwarts plays itself out. And when the last page has been turned, the final word read, the nuances of the story discussed, blogged, argued over and meditated on, I must ask: What have we learned from Harry Potter? Or perhaps, more importantly: What has Harry Potter taught us about ourselves?

Here I must make a confession...I've never read a single Harry Potter novel. There I said it. As purely a work of literature, they have never really appealed to me much. I cannot deny, however, the impact they have had on the zeitgeist of modern pop culture. So while I am completely unqualified to discuss what the story itself has taught us, I feel I am uniquely qualified, as a self-proclaimed student of pop culture, to point out three of the social revelations Ms. Rowling's opus has shed some bright, blazing wizard light on:

1. Reading is cool

I don't think I'm the only one who harbored some secret fears about the world moving into a post-literate stage of society. With the proliferation of iPods, Facebook, Google searches and reality television, the simple pleasures derived from sitting down with a good book couldn't possibly stand a chance. Why actually go to all the trouble of reading a book when you can just read about it on Wikipedia? Thankfully, the staggering success of these novels and the rock star status earned by their author have not only assuaged these fears, but actually made me hopeful for a literary renaissance, where the paperback replaces the blackberry as the must-have accessory amongst teens.

2. J.K. Rowling is a genius

No one can ever accuse J.K. Rowling of not knowing her audience. In fact, she wrote the book on it. Literally. The good verses evil themes are universal with just enough shades of grey to give it emotional depth. The coming of age story is something just about every pre-teen on the planet can relate to. The archetypal characters are fantastic versions of people that, chances are, most young readers have versions of in their "real" lives. Mix all of these brilliant elements with a story that grows up and becomes more complex as its audience does and you have something that is MUCH more than the sum of its parts. You have a children's epic that will very likely still be relevant when our great-great-great grandchildren learn to read.

3. You are never too old to be a kid again

These books were written for children and young adults. Why is it then, that over the course of the last seven years I saw copies stuffed into suits, jammed into jackets, ogled by octogenarians and poured-over by proud parents? Could it be that the exploits of a boy wizard and his friends have knocked on the door where our inner child lives and asked him to come out and play? I'd like to think so. Books are also a great way to bridge the generation gap. The latest Black Eyed Peas album may be beyond your realm of experience, but Hermione Granger's unrequited love for Harry Potter is something you and your teenage daugter both understand implicitly. Some topics are too important to be left to the mercy of message boards.

So where do we go from here? Is your dog-eared copy of The Deathly Hallows already gathering dust on your bookshelf? Are the early symptoms of HPW (Harry Potter Withdraw) causing you to consider reading the whole damn series again? Never fear! The 13th Monkey has got your back. Might I suggest The Riftwar saga by Raymond E. Feist as your next adventure into magical lands and great fiction. This four book series is the perfect "next step" for young Harry Potter addicts looking for their next "fix".

The only cultural phenomenon of this magnitude that I can think of from my childhood was the original Star Wars trilogy. So here is a word of caution for young Harry Potter fans from someone who has lived through it: Whatever you do, when you "grow up" DO NOT demand a prequal from Ms. Rowling. It will all end in tears.

Site Maintenance...Sort of.

2007-07-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

I am posting this for one reason and one reason alone: To get that stupid-ass media player with the Sicko trailer on it off the front page. Don't get me wrong, I've seen the film and it is excellent, but the damned AOL video player that was obviously coded by a bunch of retarded chimps forces my page to jump to it every time it loads.

Most of you mouth-breathing turnip farmers probably didn't even notice.

Well anyway, it's fixed. Don't say I've never done anything for you. By way of thanks, you could always send me money or gushing praise or cheesecake. Mmmmm.....Cheesecake.

In the interest of making sure it's gone for good, I will now provide you with at least six inches of bullshit filler...You're welcome.....

One thing is still certain: You can always count on glam rock bands, flavour of the day one-hit wonders and Billy Corgan for bullshit filler.

Transforming Nostalgia

2007-07-12T12:32:00.000-07:00

One of two things can happen when a happy memory from your childhood is recycled, rebuilt, polished and presented as the latest pop culture phenomenon: It can leave you feeling beaten and abused, as if a small precious thing has been taken from you by a schoolyard bully. Or it can rekindle your passion for something that you haven't devoted a lot of thought to in the last twenty-odd years and for a brief, beautiful moment, it can make you feel like a kid again.

Enter Optimus Prime....

When I was about seven years old I had an action figure that looked just like the leader of the heroic Autobots (as pictured above). He was made of solid steel, had genuine rubber tires and I could transform him from a fire-engine-red semi to an intimidating, ass-kicking robot in five seconds with my eyes closed. I never missed an episode of the cartoon series and I remember salivating with prepubescent joy when the Dinobots were introduced. Grasping, as I did in my own seven-year old way that the television series was just a marketing vehicle for the toys and a fully transformable "Grimlock" (The tyrannosaurus rex leader of the Dinobots) would soon be available for purchase. I still have a great memory of my dad taking me to see the original, animated Transformers movie. Buying me a popcorn and suffering through something that must have been completely incomprehensible to him just because he knew I loved the stupid things so much. I know what you're thinking...You're thinking: "Sounds like this guy didn't have a lot of friends when he was a kid". Well, you'd be wrong. I had all the Autobots and most of the Decpticons and a few kids who said they were my friend so they could play with them. Close enough.

Now, re-enter Optimus Prime, over twenty years later....

This Computer Generated, fully articulated, twenty-foot tall Optimus Prime jumped out of my childhood and onto the screen at my local movie theater last night. I have to say, it was a surreal experience. Here were my beloved Autobots in the hands of the guy who directed "Pearl Harbor" and "The Island". Here was a kernel of summer popcorn from the bag of Michael Bay, the master of guilty pleasures. Here was a two hour advertisement for GM vehicles. Here was, perhaps, the most damn FUN I've had at the movies in recent memory. For one hundred and forty four minutes I was seven years old again, giddy with excitement as Optimus Prime and Megatron fought to the death with the fate of the world hanging in the balance. This time, I took my dad and he loved it. I didn't buy him a popcorn though, what am I, made of freakin' money?

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Some Trampy Chick Was Released From Prison Yesterday...

2007-06-27T05:31:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to waste your valuable time with the details of this perplexing "story" like some major media outlets I know (read: ALL of them). Suffice it to say that some dumb, lazy-eyed tramp was released from prison yesterday, whored her way home and got hair extensions.

She's made a couple of amature porn videos and is named after some hotel in France. Really, what more do you need to know? Actually, this is probably too much information. I don't think I am being overly harsh is saying this, nor do I feel that I am alone in these sentiments, but the next time I read her name it had better be in the obituaries.

Robot Chicken Star Wars

2007-06-19T06:13:00.000-07:00

Because I'm feeling uncharacteristically generous this morning, here is the complete 30 minute Robot Chicken Star Wars special for your viewing enjoyment. My personal favorite sketch is the phone call the Emperor receives about the destruction of the death star. He hasn't even finished paying for it and it's blown up by "a bunch of teenagers" in an "aluminum falcon".

Whether you are one of the seven people out there who has never seen a single Star Wars movie or one of the legions of rabid, mouth-breathing fan boys this montage of short parodies is sure to illicit a chuckle or two.

The farce is strong with this one.

*Update: Looks like they ripped this video down like five minutes after I posted it. The Nazis over at Adult Swim don't like you watching videos anywhere but their own ugly-ass site, so if you are still interested you can watch the damn thing here: Robot Chicken Star Wars!

This of course means that you will have to navigate away from my ultra sexy blog, but if you really feel the need to....Hey, where did everybody go?!? Hello? I hate you all so much....

A Shockng Medical Breakthrough...

2007-06-17T13:19:00.000-07:00

The investigative journalists over at the Onion News Network have made a shocking discovery: Most of the old codgers being hospitalized and treated for alzheimers don't, in fact, have alzheimers. It was all just a big misunderstanding. Kinda' like that time I made a life sized statue of a friend, stuck a knife in it and left it on his front porch with a note that said: "You". When I asked him about it the next day, he didn't know what I was talking about. I must have left it at the wrong house. Ah well, we all got a pretty good laugh out of it, and no harm done.

The Top 10 Ways To Procrastinate on Your 100th Post

2007-06-12T05:33:00.000-07:00

Just in case you haven't noticed there have been no new posts in well over a week. I'd like to apologize to my loyal reader(s) for this oversight and assure you (you know who you are) that there is a very good reason for this. Okay so maybe it's not a "good" reason but it's the only excuse I have for my degenerate laziness so cut me some damn slack would ya?

You see, I've reached a bit of a milestone (as opposed to a "millstone", that's for grinding corn) here at Infinite Monkeys. This bit of dreck that you are currently reading is my official 100th post! My problem this past week has been deciding what to do with this momentous occasion. Of course, my complete and utter inability to make even the simplest of decisions has led me to procrastinate (as opposed to "masturbate", which I admit has also taken up a considerable amount of my time). I have, in fact, elevated procrastination to an art form of sorts. Here are the top 10 things I did this week rather than write my 100th post. Actually, you know what? I'm kinda' tired right now. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow....

10. Watch the entire second season of Lost on DVD. I don't see what the big deal about this show is. I didn't particularly enjoy it the first time when it was known as "Gilligan's Island".

9. Work at my day job. Because blogging doesn't pay what it used to and I have needs. All those tacos and giant foam cowboy hats aren't going to pay for themselves you know.

8. Exercise. My daily workout regiment has actually started to pay off. I can now eat half a bucket of chicken before I start to sweat.

7. Get on the wagon. It's amazing to me how stupid and wasteful this whole blogging thing seems when you have been sober for a couple of days. Now that I'm back on my daily supply of vitamin "vodka", I feel compelled to share my pathetic thoughts with complete strangers again.

6. Learn the ancient Chinese art of origami. I can already make a boulder, a meteorite and a snowball. What can I say, I'm a fast learner.

5. Get in touch with some old friends. Except replace "old friends" with "ex-girlfriends", and "get in touch" with "stalk". It's not my fault they never changed the password for their voicemail.

4. Facebook. What is it about this social networking site that is so damned compelling? Seriously, try explaining Facebook to someone who has never heard of it without making it sound completely retarded. It's impossible.

3. Working on my novel. For those of you that don't know, that's super-secret guy code for "surfing Internet porn". If I were actually working on a novel it would be over three thousand pages by now. Sheesh, get a clue.

2. Sleeping and eating. I'm pretty sure I have that disease that makes you tired and hungry all the time. What's the name of it again? Oh yeah: Marijuana.

1. Following the Paris Hilton prison saga. I'm fairly certain that I died recently and am currently residing in Hell. How else to explain the fact that this has been the TOP NEWS STORY for over a week?!?! Isn't there a fucking WAR on?!?! All the attention being paid to this stupid, spoiled whore and her ilk is a sure sign that we are doomed as a species. Put on your helmets boys and girls, Armageddon is right around the corner.

"You see how they condescend to us!?!"

2007-05-27T15:52:00.000-07:00

It is my firm belief that if we are ever going to survive as a species and live harmoniously on this planet we must embrace all of the multi-layered cultures of the world. Or we could just make fun of how they talk. Yeah, let's do that...The second thing.

Why Couldn't The Pirate Get In To See The Movie?...Because It Was Rated Arrrrrr!

2007-05-25T10:23:00.000-07:00

In honour of the release of Pirates of The Caribbean: At World's End today, I have assembled a list of the top five pirates to ever swagger drunkenly onto the silver screen. Movie pirates are often characterized by their strict adherence to stereotypes, outrageous overacting and their tendency to be played by some of the most gifted actors in Hollywood. The following five are no exception. So grab a bottle of rum, gouge out one of your eyes, find a parrot to molest, sit back and enjoy the list.

1. Captain Jack Sparrow (a.k.a. Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean)

Was there ever any doubt who would make the number one spot? Depp easily blows the competition out of the water with his twisted, salty portrayal of Captain Jack Sparrow. He single-handedly made pirates "cool" again and rescued an otherwise by-the-numbers summer popcorn flick from mediocrity.

2. Captain Long John Silver (a.k.a Tim Curry, Muppet Treasure Island)

Everything is better with muppets. Everything. So why should this classic tale by Robert Louis Stevenson be any different? Perhaps the only thing better than muppets dressed up as pirates is Tim Curry (whatever happened to him anyway?) as the mutinous Captain Long John Silver. While he may not be the "manliest" pirate on the list he knows how to handle a pistol and he's got a mean singing voice. And he has one of the best sword fights ever filmed with Kermit the Frog. 'Nuff said.

3. Captain Hook (a.k.a Dustin Hoffman, Hook)

One of the most underrated movies of all time features one of best performances of Dustin Hoffman's career. Captain Hook is sort of the "James Bond" of Pirates, he's been played by so many different actors. Well, Dustin Hoffman is the "Sean Connery" of Captain Hooks. No one has ever played this seminal villian with a more over-the-top, balls-out performance. Shame that he has to get his ass kicked by a balding, pudgy Robin Williams. But these kind of risks come with the pirate territory.

4. The Dread Pirate Roberts (a.k.a. Cary Elwes, The Princess Bride)

Bringing this one home from the video store on a Saturday night when your girlfriend sends you out for a movie is a win-win situation. First of all, it is an amazingly awesome movie in every way, and secondly it will almost guarantee that you get some action that night. Why? Well, mostly because of Cary Elwes sly portrayal of The Dread Pirate Roberts, a.k.a The Man in Black, a.k.a. Westley. Not only does he look like he just stepped off the cover of a trashy romance novel, he is funny AND intelligent. He looses points for not having enough of that "pirate grit", but he gains a few for getting to bang Robin Wright. High Five Cary!

5. Steve The Pirate (a.k.a Alan Tudyk, Dodgeball)

Okay, so he's not a pirate in the traditional sense and I admit, I'm not even sure who the hell Alan Tudyk is, but there is something unspeakably beautiful about a grown man who thinks he is a pirate and plays professional Dodgeball. Steve is either a genius or insane, or both. Whatever the case, we can be sure of one thing; Steve has paved the way for random pirate characters in movies. I don't think I'm alone in saying that we need to see more of this. Can you imagine if Gone With The Wind had a random pirate character who would show up and utter cryptic sayings and then sail away on his civil-war era pirate ship? Now that's a movie I'd like to see!

Cassadaga

2007-05-19T09:02:00.000-07:00

Artist: Bright Eyes

I must admit that my first impression of this new full-length album from Bright Eyes was lukewarm at best. The opening track "Clairaudients" fades in with the muted mumblings of a psychic woman consulting someone about "centers of energy" and "vortexes". After a full two minutes of this I was about to skip to the next track when Conor Oberst's haunted voice came bubbling up from the ether. His vocals on this track, and indeed most of the album, sound a little unlike the angst-riddled, suffering Conor that we are used to. He wails and croons with a self-assured bravado, sounding all the while like an artist completely at home and comfortable with his art.

It took about two or three complete listenings for my initial reservations to fade. Yes, this was indeed the same Bright Eyes that first hooked me in with "Landlocked Blues", in my opinion one of the most bittersweet and poignant balads ever written. They just sound a little less indie and a little more mainstream on most of Cassadaga. Like a small town band shouting from the highest building in the big city, letting everyone know that they can play with the big boys. The "big boys", however, could never write brilliant lyrics like this.

The tracks "Four Winds" and "Soul Singer in a Session Band" are infused with bubbly energy, while more Conor-esque suffering pervades tracks like "No One Would Riot For Less" and "Lime Tree". There is indeed something for everyone on this eclectic album. While it still doesn't measure up to the brilliance of "I'm Wide Awake It's Morning", it is growing on me. Kinda' like that toe fungus.

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Chillin' With Charlie The Unicorn

2007-05-17T06:54:00.000-07:00

After that last post I've decided that I need to chill out a little. Need to focus my chi, balance my yin with my yang, inhale serenity and exhale thoughts of murderous rampages. Or I could just get high and watch Charlie the Unicorn.

Wow, I feel better already. What war in Iraq? Who's the president of the United States? Isn't it that old actor dude? Talking unicorns are funny. I can't believe I ate the whole bag of corn chips. Damn, I should be a doctor or something.

"Candy Mountain, Chaaaaarlieeee." I don't think I'll ever get tired of that.

Prince Harry Won't Be Killing Any Iraqis. At Least Not Legally.

2007-05-17T05:38:00.000-07:00

It seems that Prince Harry, who is third in line for the British throne, has been told that war is simply too dangerous for a person of his stature. So despite his obvious desire to kill men, women and children from a whole other country, he will not be deployed to Iraq.

General Sir Richard Dannatt, the army chief of staff made the pronouncement yesterday, saying: "It would be a blow to morale if a member of the royal family, who is a genuine member of the armed forces, a serving officer, a real soldier, is too precious to be sacrificed, to be put in harm's way..."

Well, there's some breaking news for ya': War is dangerous and you might even get killed! Remember, you heard it here first. What I'd like to know is where the hell was this Dannatt guy three years ago when 18-year-old Matthew Alexander graduated from High school and enlisted to fight? He was killed in Iraq this past weekend. Thanks for nothing, Richie. Where the hell were you on that one?!? Why isn't this sage advice being given to the thousands of poor, underprivilaged kids who enlist in the military as their only hope of paying for college? Why didn't somebody tell 20-year-old Nick Hartge about the perils of warfare before he was killed in a raid on Monday? And where in the thrice-goddamned-hell were these paragons of common sense four years ago, when George "The Cowboy" Bush launched this bullshit pre-emptive war in the first place?

Okay, I admit that putting someone from the British Royal family in harm's way is just unthinkable. After all, where would that country be without it's royal family? Who would spend all the taxpayers money? Who would the tabloids write about every day? Who would cut ribbons at monument dedications and attend all the polo matches? It would be anarchy I tell you! Anarchy!

Bloodletting & Miraculous Cures

2007-05-10T05:32:00.000-07:00

Author: Vincent Lam

To be honest, I'm a little burned out on "medical dramas". I was a rabidly devoted fan of ER for the first five or six seasons, before most of the original cast left, I've seen my share of "Life in the ER" style reality shows, I've had a passing interest in Grey's Anatomy and like most people, I've been in a hospital a time or two. So I'm not sure what posessed me to pick up this book and dive into yet ANOTHER story about burned-out doctors, difficult patients and poignant reflections on mortality. Perhaps it was the three pages of rave reviews or the fact that it won the Scotiabank Giller prize, or perhaps it was the nifty red cover with the cool picture of a heart; Who knows? Even after reading it I'm afraid that I can't offer you too much in the way of a recommendation because the forgettable characters and lack of a cohesive plot caused the entire thing to slip from my memory exactly two minutes after putting it down.

In all fairness though, Vincent Lam is a talented writer. His prose is polished and slick and his intimate knowledge of the medical profession (his "day job" is an emergency room physician) is evident throughout. The problem here is the subject matter itself. It's just one more kick at the dead-horse doctor drama, and while it is a good, solid kick, that animal just ain't breathing.

So unless you have some kind of unhealthy obsession with hospitals and all the messy business associated with them, I'd suggest taking this book off of life support and letting it die with dignity. Please Doctor Lam, don't quit your day job.

I guess they will hand out Giller prizes to just about anybody. Although, this is a step-up from last years winner: "My Dad Can Beat Up Your Dad" by five-year-old Josh McLean. It is a scathing commentary on man's self-destructive pride. Written in crayon on cocktail napkins. With pictures.

Score: 5/12 monkeys

They're On To Us!

2007-05-07T11:41:00.000-07:00

Those U.S. defense contractors are an incredibly insightful bunch. They have once again foiled Canada's plans for world domination. It seems that after receiving one of the ubiquitous "poppy" quarters in their change on a recent trip to Canada, the contractors in question logically assumed that it contained some sort of sophisticated spy technology. See the full story here.

It is important to remember that these are the same people behind the frighteningly Orwellian "homeland security" and "patriot act". These are grown men who still have the boogeyman living under their beds. If they can't keep us safe, well...Anybody can.

Okay guys, I guess the spy quarter was a bad idea. I mean, it's pretty obvious. Back to the drawing board. Perhaps we will have more luck with the mind-controlling drugs in Tim Hortons coffee or the highly trained army of ninja beavers. Or Celine Dion. Because when I think of the world falling under the ruthless domination of Canada, I think Celine Dion.

The Road

2007-04-27T07:05:00.000-07:00

Author: Cormac McCarthy

Normally I go out of my way to avoid any book with a sticker on the cover proclaiming "Oprah's Book Club". I am afraid that by simply touching it I will become a militant, right-wing feminist. Despite that mark of cain appearing on the cover of "The Road", I simply couldn't ignore the glowing reviews, intriguing plot description and the fact that it won the Pulitzer Prize. After thumbing through it a little, I found no references to women with eating disorders or grossly exaggerated tales of drug addiction so I decided to give it a shot.

I'm glad I did. This post-apocalyptic tale of a father and son travelling through the ashes of a devastated world is a work of bittersweet brilliance from start to finish. The sense of crushing despair is palpable, you can almost feel the grit of the road crunching beneath your bootheels and taste the ashes on your tongue. The only small light in this darkness is the bond of love shared by the two nameless characters. It is a work of both staggering complexity and profound simplicity. McCarthy's grasp of the language is unparalelled with lines of descrpition and dialogue that would be just as at home in the works of Faulkner or Keats.

Okay Oprah, I'll give ya' this one. Don't for one second start thinking that I'm not on to your diabolical plan for world domination, however. She must be stopped! Who's with me!?!? I have a plan that involves a giant catapult and lots of chocolate cake. Because everyone knows that chocolate cake is Oprah's kryptonite. Or...Wait, no....Chocolate cake is MY kryptonite! Damn you, Oprah! I'll get you for this!

Score: 12/12 monkeys

National Poetry Month + Stephen Colbert = The Meta-Free-Phor-All

2007-04-22T21:12:00.000-07:00

It's national poetry month, and if you need a break from crafting your couplet, hammering out your haiku or laying down your limerick, check out Stephen Colbert and Sean Penn going head to head in this hilarious Meta-Free-Phor-All.

Poetry isn't just for scrawny, pasty-faced gothic kids anymore. It's a great way to express yourself in a bad-ass, manly way. Just ask that woman who lives down the street from me who was the lucky recipient of my 300-page epic entitled: "I Found the Key to My Heart While Digging Through Your Garbage". In fact, she loved it so much, she sent me one entitled: "Restraining Order".

"You are ordered not to come within 200 yards"....Ah such magical verse. It just rolls off the tongue.

Oh Cruel Mario...How You Mock Me!

2007-04-21T22:59:00.000-07:00

It's very late, I'm very tired and I should probably be sleeping right now, but I just happened to stumble across one of the funniest videos I've seen in a very long time and I felt the need to share it.

This running commentary of a session spent playing some of the hardest levels of Super Mario is riddled with obscenities and some of the greatest one-liners in the history of video game frustration. One of my personal favorites: "This is worse than The Davinci Code! The novel by Dan Brown AND the movie!"

It's quite long, but worth every minute. So crack a cold beer, sit back, and watch this poor sod's sanity completely unravel. I'm sure anyone who's ever owned a Nintendo can relate. In fact, the most common technical problem with this game system was a little glitch known as: "Smashed multiple times with a hammer". It wasn't even covered in the warranty.

Lullabies for Little Criminals

2007-04-19T07:43:00.000-07:00

Author: Heather O'Neill

Does anyone truly remember what life was like when they were twelve years old? Did your mother die while you were too young to have any memory of her? Did your father have a crippling heroine addiction? Was your only friend a pimp who forced you to turn tricks in the seedy underbelly of Montreal? How could anyone possibly survive a childhood tainted by such ugliness? By staying connected to the mystery and magic of childhood, that's how. That is exactly what Baby, the twelve year old protagonist of Heather O'Neill's beautfully poetic novel does.

This book will break your heart. It will then take the pieces and re-assemble them into a box full of childhood memories, fears and ecstasy. It reads more like poetry than prose, with a lyrical cadence full of simile and metaphor. There are moments of profound sadness sharing the same page with moments of sly humour. This is a remarkable first novel from an author with a bright, exciting future.

My testosterone levels are dangerously low after reading this book and writing this review. I'm gonna' go eat a big, bloody steak, watch a mindless action movie and then punch somebody in the face. Seeing the world through the eyes of a twelve year old girl is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to spend a whole lot of time there. It's a little uncomfortable how much we have in common. Creepy? You bet.

Score: 11/12 monkeys

Apple's iRack

2007-04-12T06:02:00.000-07:00

Mad TV has never been synonomous with brilliant satire. Once in a very great while however, they step up to the plate, kick the dirt from their cleats and knock one out of the park. If you are not one of the five people out there who watch this show on a regular basis don't worry, Infinite Monkeys has got your back.

This iRack looks like a fantastic product. All they have to do is convince the public that is was built by terrorists and it might have weapons of mass destruction and I'm quite sure it will start flying off the shelves.

Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs

2007-04-11T08:11:00.000-07:00

Author: Chuck Klosterman

Deconstructing pop culture in the post modern age is like making jokes at the expense of George W. Bush. It all feels a little redundant because the work is already done for you. Unless, of course you are Chuck Klosterman. Nobody can put a more refreshing, insightful and hilarious spin on the state of our modern world quite like he has in this "low culture manifesto".

He blames Woody Allen movies for the breakdown of the modern relationship. He delves into the surreal world of a Guns N' Roses tribute band. He views Saved by The Bell as one of the most culturally important shows in the history of television. He believes the 1980's playoff game between the Los Angeles Lakers and the Boston Celtics is a metaphor for absolutely everything in the Universe. The man is completely insane. But like most insane people, he is also a genius.

I challenge you to read the chapter entitled "Billy Sim" and not laugh out loud like an idiot. His attempts to recreate his own life within the confines of The Sims video game is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Ever. Here's a sample:

"I clicked on the "options" key and directed my cursor to the button that said "Free Will." I deployed actualization and Sim Chuck was emancipated. I watched him take a shower and crawl into his Sleeping Machine, where he slept for the next fourteen hours. And then I did the same."

This book is required reading for pop culture junkies. It unapologetically tells us that our world is a pretty fucked up place, but that's okay. We're much better off if we just surf the wave of craziness, laughing all the while. Otherwise it will break on top of you and you will most likely drown. Surfing analogies are cool, and they give me street cred. Whatever that is.

Score: 9/12 monkeys

Happy Easter...South Park Style

2007-04-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

South Park -1105- Fantastic Easter Special.

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The Davinci Code with ninjas, a *krull-hurling Jesus and grown men dressed up as easter bunnies. The way it should have been. Thank you South Park for turning an unreadable book and unwatchable movie into the best Easter special ever. Here it is in it's entirety, for your viewing pleasure.

Happy Easter everyone!

*For those of you who did too many (or not enough) drugs back in the 80's, Krull was a cheesy sci-fi flick about a bad-ass dude who threw a giant ninja star around. Why? Because giant ninja stars are cool. It's just like that time I built one in shop class and threw it at that homeless guy. He was pretty upset and bleeding quite badly, but in the end we all learned a valueable lesson about the magic of sharing. Rated: R for scenes of graphic awesomeness.

Vacation Fallout

2007-04-06T07:41:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the lack of posts lately. I've been on vacation and it's awfully difficult to write anything worthwhile after thirty shots of jagermeister and with a house full of strippers breaking open a George W. Bush pinyata. Well, I'm happy to report that I've cleaned up after the goats, called a cab for the midgets and taken down all the balloons. The party is over and it's back to work.

The above picture was sent to me by a friend who saw it and immediately thought of me. I can't even begin to tell you how creepy that is. Actually, I can: It's damn creepy. He sent it along with a note explaining that I was the only person he knew that would appreciate it as much as he did. Needless to say, he was right on the money. Does this make me a bad person? Probably. Do I care what you think? Absolutely not. So if any of you out there have any more disturbing, tasteless, or downright EVIL pictures or jokes that you would like to share, feel free to e-mail them to me. If I find them suitably disgusting, I might even post about them and send a link back to a website of your choice. My generosity knows no bounds. Kinda' like my hangover.

See you in hell Brownie.

The Terror

2007-03-30T05:27:00.000-07:00

Author: Dan Simmons

There really is no "good" way to die. However, some methods of shuffling off this mortal coil are definitely worse than others. After reading The Terror, I can think of no worse way than slowly wasting away from scurvy. It's slow, painful and includes symptoms such as bleeding from hair follicles, bruising that never heals and blackend, receeding gums. I've been drinking seven glasses of orange juice every day. Better to be safe than sorry.

All of this and more befalls the 127 men of the ill-fated John Franklin expedition to find the legendary Northwest Passage in the winter of 1847. Their two ships, Erebus and Terror find themselves frozen in the ice above northern Canada for more than three years, forcing the men to abandon ship and make their way overland across the unrelenting ice. Spoiled food stores, killing cold and rampant scurvy are just the beginning. Some massive, inhuman thing is stalking them across the ice. A giant predator that exhibits a malevolent intelligence and super-human strength and cunning.

Simmons is one hell of a storyteller, and he is in top form here. His characters are immediately identifiable and pathos-inducing. His narrative deftly shifts perspectives and each one is truly unique. Whether we are viewing events through the eyes of the hardened leader, Captain Francis Crozier, or through the earnest diary entries of the ship's surgeon, Dr. Harry D.S. Goodsir, Simmons imbues each with the spark of life that is so rare in most modern fiction these days. It is a brilliant story well told, what more could you possibly ask of any novel?

One small caveat: This book is not for the squeamish. Simmons never flinches away from descriptions of men dying horrific deaths. Lots of men. In fact, I wouldn't even recommend reading this one during or after eating. Keep lots of fresh fruit and vegetables handy though, you DO NOT want to die of scurvy.

Score: 10/12 monkeys

We Can Still Win This Thing!

2007-03-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

In The Know: Our Troops In Iraq

The brand-spanking new Onion News Network has proposed a radical new strategy for winning the war in Iraq. Oddly enough though, this isn't the first time using civil war re-enactors has been suggested. I laid it all out in my manifesto entitled "12 Ways to Win in Iraq" which I sent to the American government two years ago. I imagine some crafty politician is using my ideas even now, claiming they are his own. I sure hope it's Barack Obama. With my help, nothing can stop him! Here are a few of my other suggestions:

1. Send in the women of the WWE. Nothing strikes terror into the hearts of fundamentalist Muslims more than strong women. There is a reason they have been oppressing them for centuries.

2. Two words: Chuck Norris

3. Tell the enemy about the evil race of space aliens that is about to invade Earth and turn people into food. This will force us all to band togeather against a common threat! Then, when the aliens don't show up, yell "April Fools!" and throw them all into Guantanamo.

4. Demoralize the enemy by acting like the war is over and we've already won. Oh, wait....Nevermind.

5. Start production of "Iraq Idol". Shows such as this are proven to turn the population of entire countries into slack-jawed, apethetic simpletons.

6. Employ the Catholic church to send in priests armed with bibles to convert the Godless heathens to Christianity. We'll call it a "crusade". This way no one will get hurt. Just like the last "crusade".

7. Air drop crates filled with fast food, marijuana and Sony Playstations. The enemy will be too busy "chillin' out" to fight.

Hopefully my suggestions will help bring an end to this insane war. I'm here to save lives. It's what I do.

The Bob Lee Swagger Saga

2007-03-23T13:54:00.000-07:00

With Shooter opening today, millions of people will be rushing into theatres to watch Mark Wahlberg shoot stuff and macho it up as the redneck war hero Bob Lee Swagger. The early reviews have been lukewarm at best and the overall opinion of most critics is that the story is filled with plot holes big enough to drive a tank through. Never fear my friends, Infinite Monkeys is here to save the day! As usual. What would you do without me? On second thought, don't answer that.

Before you hit the theatres, hit your local book store and pick up Stephen Hunter's Point of Impact. And while you're at it, grab the other two books in the Bob Lee Swagger saga as well. Hunter is one of the most underrated writers of the modern thriller working today. His books are nail-biting edge-of-your-seat thrill rides (damn I hate using that stupid cliche, but I can't think of a better way to describe them.) They are also intelligent and extremely well written. Here's the list:

Point of Impact, Black Light and Time to Hunt. Don't let a second-rate movie based on a novel fool you, this is a great story. Read them as a trilogy and impress your friends with your intimate knowledge of ballistics and sniper techniques. In fact, after you are finished all three a man will show up at your door and hand you a gun license. True story.

It's St. Patrick's Day. I'm Drunk. Of Course.

2007-03-17T12:22:00.000-07:00

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day" - Frank Sinatra

I am 1/16th Irish. That's right. My uncle's best friend's neighbour owns an Irish Setter and I drink. A lot. In fact, I am drinking a lot right now. I've been known to go weeks without a shower, I eat potatoes more often than can be considered healthy and I have an instinctive hatred for the British. The fact that I wasn't born in, nor have I ever been to Ireland is irrelevant. Being 1/16th Irish isn't about heritage. It's a state of mind.

I also speak a little Gaelic. I'm not quite fluent, but I know enough to earn some street cred in my local Irish pub. Here's some basic phrases to keep handy this St. Patrick's Day:

"Ta spionaiste i do fhiacla!" - "Another Guinness, wench!"

"An bhliain seo nach, me ar longin" - "I've pissed my pants. Again."

"Tiernanog orna niech min i fichten!" - "I'll kick all of your asses!"

"Ghoid Leipreachain mo bheoir" - "The evil leprechaun stole my pants."

"Pog me, Is sortin eireannach tier ma crib" -"Let's go back to my crib and play 'hide the shileighle.'"

In the spirit of this great celebration, here's a little Dropkick Murphy's (aka The Greatest Band on Earth)....

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

300

2007-03-14T08:22:00.000-07:00

Directed by: Zack Snyder
Starring: Gerard Butler
Based on the graphic novel by Frank Miller

Looking for the ultimate guys night out? Just follow these simple instructions for a celebration of all things testosterone...

Step 1: Round up a bunch of immature, emotionally handicapped, beer-swilling buddies (cost: $0).

Step 2: Hit your local "adult entertainment" establishment for a pre-movie drink (cost: approx $10.00 but your mileage may vary).

Step 3: Go see 300 (cost: $9.00).

Step 4: Post-movie beer and chicken wings at Hooters (cost: varies depending on your level of alcoholism $10.00 - $100.00).

Step 5: Bask in the glory of feeling like a Spartan warrior. Women swoon and lesser men tremble at your sheer awesomeness (cost: Priceless).

While I've never actually read Frank Miller's graphic novel, I did read Steven Pressfield's Gates of Fire about eight years ago and I remember thinking at the time that it would make an awesome movie. Well, nearly a decade later computer animation has finally caught up with my imagination and brought this ultra-violent spectacle to life on the big screen.

Blood sprays profusely in anime-style abundance. Limbs and heads are cleaved from their bodies. Spears, swords, axes and arrows eviscerate, skewer and generally perforate unlucky victims. All with a grinding, techno-rock track pounding in the background. This, my friends is the ULTIMATE guys movie...

The CGI visuals evoke a hazy, dreamlike quality, which is actually perfect for a film that would have seemed absurd and cheesy if it had been filmed in the "traditional" fashion. In fact, if you can look beyond the brutal, gritty violence you will see a visual work of art that is incredibly beautiful in it's own right.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go slaughter some Persians. Wait....What? The Persian Empire collapsed over 2000 years ago? I guess I'll just have to make do with my stuffed animals then...Allright Mr. Fuzzy Bear/God-King Xerxes, prepare for some Spartan ass-whooping!

Score: 10/12 monkeys

The Top 5 Signs of Spring

2007-03-12T15:22:00.000-07:00

Looking for signs of hope where there is none is what I do here at Infinite Monkeys. And there is no greater or more pathetic false hope than that of an early spring. The cold madness of February and March drives us to such insane extremes as tanning beds, alcoholism and the weather predicting prowess of small, fuzzy rodents.

Those of us attuned to the ebb and flow of pop culture, however, have been seeing some very real signs of spring these last few weeks. So put down the sleeping pills, untie the noose and take comfort in these five signs that summer is on its way. Or not. Better keep the pills handy, just in case....

1. Tim Horton's Roll up the Rim to Win Promotion

Caffine addicts all over the world (well, in Canada anyway) have long known that "Timmies" annual rim-rolling contest is a sure sign that the warm weather is right around the corner. Nothing says "spring" like sloshing scalding hot coffee all over yourself while unrolling a paper rim with your teeth. As Ralph Wiggum would say: "Tastes like burning!"

2. Movies start sucking a little less

Everybody knows that January and February are the dumping grounds for all of the studios unwatchable crap. As if being cold and depressed wasn't enough, we have to sit through Wild Hogs and Ghost Rider. It's like adding insult to injury. But wait, what's this? 300? That movie actually looks...uhhh...GOOD! Hurray! The summer movie season can't be far behind! Bring on Spiderman 3 and the Transformers! I'll see you at the beach!

3. Daylight savings time begins

Those of us who can't figure out how to actually set our clocks ahead an hour (my damn car stereo confounds me every year!), don't worry, everything will be back to normal in November. My advice: Just leave it. Hey, you left your Christmas lights up didn't you? What's the difference?

4. The subtle shift in targeted advertisements on T.V.

After being force-fed ads for prescription anti-depressants, gym memberships and cigarette-quitting paraphernalia all winter, advertisers are finally starting to roll out their "summer programming". Now they are trying to sell us things like new cars, spring clothing and ummm..gym membershps. Because your rolls of fat don't care what time of the year it is.

5. The guy that plays guitar in front of the liquor store is back.

Temperatures of -30 degrees and six feet of snow are no longer forcing him into self-imposed exile. You can once again enjoy a rambling, off-key rendition of Greensleeves with your brand new bottle of whiskey! Don't forget to throw me some spare change. Errr..I mean HIM...Did I say "me"? Hey, blogging doesn't pay what it used to.

Gates of Fire

2007-03-09T12:24:00.000-08:00

Author: Steven Pressfield

In honor of the release of 300 today, I thought I would share with you one of the best books ever written about the legendary Battle of Thermopylae.

It's 480 B.C. and the million-strong Persian army is set to lay the smackdown on Greece, thereby extinguishing the first fertile fires of Democracy. In order to buy time for the rest of Greece to get it's act togeather, 300 Spartans and their allies embark on a suicide mission to the pass of Thermopylae, a narrow mountain pass above the Aegean sea. It is here that these crazy-brave warriors, led by King Leonidas, hold off more than 100,000 Persians for the better part of a week. It is one of the most valiant stands in military history, and it bought the rest of Greece the time it needed to rally it's armies and eventually repel the Persian host

Pressfield gets down and dirty with his prose as he describes this viscious battle in painstaking detail. Every tactic, technique and "dirty trick" employed by the Spartans in their desprate fight is lovingly detailed here. The narrative style is brilliant, adding a sense of suspense and immediacy to a battle with a pre-determined outcome.

When Xerxes, the leader of the Persian army demanded that the doomed Spartans lay down their arms, Leonidas' replied simply, with two words: "Molon labe". Roughly translated: "Come and get them". That, my friends, is the very definition of BALLS.

Here's the trailer for 300. If it even comes close to telling this story as well as Stephen Pressfield did in this amazing novel, I'll be first in line at the movie theatre....

300 - movie trailer

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Score: 11/12 ass-kicking Spartan monkeys!

A Public Service Annoucement

2007-03-06T05:28:00.000-08:00

Saint Patrick's Day is just around the corner and that means that any self-respecting (or self-loathing) Irishman will be having a drink or two. Before you lift that first pint of Guinness, however, be aware that ingesting more than the prescribed amount of alcohol can lead to a state of altered consciousness known as "drunkeness".

Side effects may include:

1. Loss of motor control
2. Delusions of grandure
3. Yelling and spitting
4. Unwanted pregnancy
5. Karaoke
6. Same-sex hugging/kissing/fondling
7. Steve Correll making an ass of himself on the Colbert Report (see below)...

Remember: Despite what you may believe, your ex-girlfriend is NOT expecting a call from you at 3 a.m. But you should always call just to be sure. Women have been known to wait by the phone for MONTHS after a breakup, in the hopes that their former lover will call. That, my friends is science.

The God Delusion

2007-02-27T04:47:00.000-08:00

Author: Richard Dawkins

No other book in the history of my "reading career" (is reading a career?) has given me as much trouble as The God Delusion. It took me TWO MONTHS to read this 374-page bastard. For someone who can normally knock out a 500-pager in roughly a week, this sort of plodding progress is inexcuseable. I do have an excuse though, and it has nothing to do with the book's heavy-duty subject matter. It's Dawkins' heavy-handed writing style that tripped me up. Despite the fact that he is a world-respected scientist, no one has ever bothered to tell him about "economy of language". He frequently uses twelve words where two or three would be sufficient. In fact, a friend of mine dubbed this book "The Language Delusion" after I read her a couple typical paragraphs.

While I could sit here all day and talk about the stylistic shortcomings of this book, I would never dispute the sociological importance of it. Dawkins (like John Lennon before him) imagines a world without religion. A world in which people subscribe to higher ideals of evolution, Darwinian natural selection and the logical order of a living, breathing planet. He argues (and rightly so) that religion in all of it's guises has done the human race much more harm than good.

Setting out to disprove what Dawkins calls "the God hypothesis" is no easy task. Critics have often fired back with the old "okay, so you can't prove the exsistence of God, but you can't disprove his exsistence either" arguement. Well, based on this sort of logic Dawkins claims we can't disprove the flying spaghetti monster or bigfoot either. What we can do is make an educated assumption based on all the evidence. Or in the case of God, the lack of evidence.

I just can't in good conscious recommend this book, despite its important underlying message. From a purely literary standpoint, it's a bloody mess. It's tough to get into and even tougher to get out of. So unless you enjoy being beaten to death with verbosity, I'd pass on The God Delusion. Go read something a little more accessible, like a thesis on theoretical quantum physics or something.

Score: 5/12 monkeys

Quick Link...Blog Carnival

2007-02-25T08:59:00.000-08:00

Thanks Kelly Bejelly for hosting the recent Finance Blog Carnival and including a link to my post on the Stephen Lewis Foundation. Hopefully this will help raise a little awareness and perhaps even a dollar or two for this extremely worthwhile cause.

If you haven't checked out the carnival yet, what the hell are you waiting for?!?! There are some excellent submissions by some great bloggers. Besides, it's not like you have anything better to do. I know, I know.."The porn's not going to watch itself." Don't worry, it will still be there when you get back.

Saturday Musings: February 3, Me 0

2007-02-24T06:51:00.000-08:00

Karma (noun): Hinduism, Buddhism. action, seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a reincarnation.

I've been a very bad person. Perhaps in a previous life I was some sort of murderous felon or despotic dictator. How else to explain the ass-kicking I have recieved by fate this past three weeks? Karma is a bitch....Here's an accounting:

Week one: Bad Breakup. Unexpected loss of a great relationship.

Week two: Dog breaks leg. Surgeon unable to repair it. Amputation. I am now the proud owner of three-legged dog.

Week three: My Mom (I do have one, contrary to popular opinion) is involved in nasty car accident. Jeep is destroyed. She's okay, but looks and feels as if she just went three rounds with Tito Ortiz.

I realize that fate is a cruel mistress who normally doesn't parcel these things out in small, manageable portions, but this is the karmic equivalent of "shock and awe". Okay....I surrender! No need for a ground offensive! I never actually had any WMD's, but that never stopped anyone before....Why would I be immune?

I'm gonna go lend a hand at the homeless shelter now. Maybe on my way down there I'll stumble over the cure for cancer or something. Anything to convince Karma that I'm not the guy it's looking for. I'm even going to skip the usual insult to my readers that I would normally end my post with....See, look....No insult! Pansy. Damnit! I couldn't help myself. Okay Karma, bring it on! What else ya' got!?!?!

A Life-Saving Investment

2007-02-22T04:39:00.000-08:00

It's tax season, and if you are anything like me (I feel sorry for you) you will be getting a little extra cash from your friendly neighborhood federal government. Have you figured out what you are going to do with all the sketchy bucks you earned by claiming "Tom's Cats Adult Entertainment" as a business expense? Might I make a suggestion? It won't hurt a bit, it could save some lives and it might help balance your karma after all the outrageous lies you just submitted in the name of "charitable donations".

Meet Stephen Lewis, the former UN special envoy for HIV/AIDS in Africa. His term in this position ended at the end of 2006, but his amazing grassroots work continues. That's him in the video above, giving the final address at the XVI International Conference on AIDS in Toronto last year. I had the opportunity to see him speak in December at a benefit called "Under an African Sky". It was a moving, eloquent presentation from one of the most driven, passionate and commited African emissarys in the world.

This year, instead of flushing your tax-return dollars down the giant toilet of corporate greed, consider making a donation to the Stephen Lewis Foundation. Here is a link to get you started...

http://www.stephenlewisfoundation.org/

What are you waiting for? Click the link! Feel good about yourself for a change! Tell your friends! Don't worry, I'm sure you will still have plenty of money left over for your degenerate gambling and your mail-order bride. This might not make you a better person, but it's a step in the right direction.....You've got to try something!

The Prestige

2007-02-21T06:09:00.000-08:00

the prestige

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Directed by: Christopher Nolan
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, Michael Caine

The word "magician" has become synonamous with cheap Vegas-style lounge acts and glorified street performers. However, there was a time, not so long ago when magicians were the rockstars of their day. They were macho bad-asses who twisted the laws of science in front of captive audiences and occasionally died for their craft.

The Prestige pulls this era out of it's hat and evokes a dark, puzzle-box narrative that will feel familiar to fans of Nolan's other recent film Batman Begins. Jackman and Bale play up and coming magicians who's professional and deeply personal feud has driven them both to the very limits of sanity.

The film's tagline: "Are you watching closely" should tell you all you need to know about the cleverly designed twists and subtle misdirection present here. Nolan does a fantastic job of manipulating the audience, making the whole thing feel like an elaborate two-hour magic trick.

My only complaint is that no one gets mauled by a white tiger. I mean, how can you have a movie about magicians without one single, tiger mauling?!?! So much for realism.

Score: 9/12 monkeys

I'm growing my hair back. Right. Now.

2007-02-19T12:03:00.000-08:00

I'm posting this under duress. In fact, someone has a gun to my head right now, yelling: "Write monkey-boy! Write!".

Well, there you go....Are you happy now? My blog is now 50% uglier. This space had so much potential, but now it features this useless pseudo-celebrity and her disturbing baldness.

Is Britney Spears the first person in the history of the universe to ever shave her head? Well, based on the nauseating amount of attention the media has been giving this "story", I'd have to say yes. Yes she is. Will this prompt millions of angst-riddled teenage girls to do the same? Probably not. Why not? Well, none of them give a shit about Britney Spears any more. There is hope for the youth of today after all. Now we just need to break the news to Britney's agents and publicity people. Hopefully she will go away for good and I never have to pollute this page with pictures of her again.

I think it will be a nice change for her though. Paris Hilton won't have to hold her hair the next time she vomits up all the vodka, painkillers and enchilladas after a long night of child neglect. Ah, that Britney...Always thinkin'....

Saturday Musings

2007-02-17T08:51:00.000-08:00

"But you should never be embarrassed by your trouble with living.
Because it is the ones with the sorest throats, Laura, who have done the most singing."

-Bright Eyes
"Laura Laurent"

Sometimes when you are not paying attention, you trip over some truth. You pick yourself up, brush off the dirt from the road and look at it. It seems a little out of place, a little wrong. You pick it up but it doesn't quite fit in any of your pockets so you carry it around for a while. It gets heavy, and awkward and you begin to think that it belongs to someone else. So you throw it away. Let some other poor sucker deal with it.

You trip over it again a little ways down the road.

Perhaps the problem is not this ill-fitting truth at all, but the road you are travelling down. Try a different road and see what happens.

Welcome to Saturday musings...A new addition to Infinite Monkeys. It's a little piece of my own brand of zen philosophy every week. Stop on by and if I'm not suffering too badly from a hangover, I'll throw up a new one. There you go, your weekends won't suck anymore. You're welcome.

Here's a little Bright Eyes to set the mood.....Why? Because I just can't get enough of Conor Oberst's musical poetry, and that means you can't either. Right?

Rescue Me

2007-02-16T06:31:00.000-08:00

Starring/Written/Produced by: Denis Leary and some other guys.

What kid growing up didn't want to be a big, strong, heroic firefighter? Running into burning buildings, kicking down doors, throwing frightened women and children over your shoulder, scooping up the family pet, then running out again into the undying gratitude of your adoring public. Sounds great right? Well, I've never actually done any fire fightin' myself, but I get the feeling that the stories told in this FX original series are much closer to the reality of this dangerous profession than any childhood fantasy.

This is New York, post 9/11. Six years after the events of that fateful day the ubiquitous "never forget" bumper stickers, t-shirts and hats fill the city. Plastered onto the cars, torsos and heads of people who were miles away from ground zero when the towers came crashing down. For the firefighters who were there, however, "forgetting" isn't an option, it is something they do temporarily with lots of whiskey and the comaraderie of the their brothers in arms.

Broken homes, broken spirits and broken lives. These characters hide behind macho bravado and the fickle status of "hero" in order to get back on that truck one more time, get out alive one more time and perhaps find some kind of salvation at the end of it all. The dead haunt them (literally in the case of Leary's character) and the fires they extinguish serve as a fitting metaphor for the fires inside themselves that they can never hope to put out.

Check out a couple episodes of Rescue Me, then come back and tell me you still dream of being a firefighter. If you can, then you are made out of stronger stuff than I.

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Community Matters

2007-02-15T05:40:00.000-08:00

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Bobby Griffin and his Bestest Blog of All Time for the recent exposure I've recieved from his fabulous blog. Also, Cathy and her Rant's and Ramblin's for hosting this past Valentine's Day carnival and including a link to my twisted thoughts on this pseudo-holiday.

The more perceptive among you have probably figured out that the past few days have been rough ones for me. In times like this it is the little things that make a difference, and being a part of this wonderful virtual community has lifted me up in a small but tangible way.

We now return you to your regular, scheduled Infinite Monkey programming. I hope you have enjoyed all this weepy, setimental crap. Don't get used to it. Just because I'm in touch with my "feminine" side doesn't mean that I can't kick your ass. Now go run away and tell your mommy. Or I'll tell her for you, after I nudge her awake and she makes me breakfast.

A Crack in Everything

2007-02-14T06:06:00.000-08:00

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in."

-Anthem
Leonard Cohen

I post this with a great deal of trepidaton. Why? Because it's about me. The format of Infinite Monkeys dictates that I do not let you people into my head in any signifiicant way.

It's dark in there. Filled with voices.

Recently however, a tiny crack has appeared in my armor, letting in a little ray of light. This is what it has illuminated:

Sometimes the things we love the most are the things that unwind us. We give away so much of ourselves in this life, but life is an insatiable beast and once in a while, it asks for a little bit more. It asks for something that we hold onto so tightly, that one little thing that we thought we could keep, that tiny little, shiny thing. That one pure thing. We cry, kick and scream at the injustice of it all, but in the end we give it away. And it's absence leaves a hole that can never be filled.

Two days ago, this very thing was demanded of me. I placed it on the altar of sacrifice and it was gone. I hid a little piece of it inside my heart, though. A piece that no insatiable beast can ever take away. Here is what I kept:

That image of you, framed in a kitchen doorway playing your guitar as if I wasn't even there.
That secret half-smile at a joke only you understood.
That moment of levity in the midst of an African benefit.
That passion, conviction and uniqueness of vision that exsits in your art.
That tiny little, shiny thing that I will never explain. Because no one would understand.

For what it is worth: Happy Valentine's Day. This tiny little crack that lets in the light is a gift. I will never give it away. Not in this lifetime. Not in the next.

Five Valentine's Day Gifts that Keep on Givin'

2007-02-12T11:55:00.000-08:00

Is it just me, or is Valentine's day starting to look more and more like Christmas? Advertisers and retailers love to use the ever-popular "guilt leverage" to make us think that if we don't get Valentine's Day "right" we will die sad and alone. This of course translates to huge sales of flowers, chocolates and frilly pink teddy bears in our one-day attempt to make up for 364 days of insensitive psychological abuse.

This year, show someone you REALLY love them by getting them any one (or all) of these gifts that keep on giving. Face it, you're going to die sad and alone eventually, no amount of flowers and chocolates is gonna' change that....

1. A Burial Plot

Arranging for your lover's eternal resting place shows that you care about more than just how their ass looks in those jeans. It shows that you care about their FUTURE. It also serves as a subtle reminder that they are stuck with you for the rest of their natural life. It might be awkward at first, but trust me, they'll appreciate it eventually. Or else....

2. Cosmetic Surgery

Why waste all that time searching for the perfect mate when you can just build one? You're "imperfect" mate will surely appreciate your efforts to strengthen the relationship. After all, whoever said "True beauty is on the inside" was obviously some hideously deformed circus freak.

3. A Self Portrait

Who wouldn't love a five-foot tall oil painting of yours truly? Best if mounted directly above the bed to remind your main-squeeze of the ultra-sexy beast they have the honor of sleeping beside every night.

*Bonus: The "eyes" make a great place to mount a discreet little webcam for those times when you need blackmail material or evidence of his/her unfaithfulness!

4. A signed copy of your manifesto

Tired of hiding your true feelings? Now's the time to give someone you love access to your deepest, darkest thoughts! It will demonstrate your willingness to be open, honest and direct. It will also implicate somene else in your nefarious plot, so as to take some of the heat off of you when the Feds bust down the door.

5. An STD

The couple that applies medicated ointments togeather STAYS togeather! A gift like this demonstrates your willingness to share. He/She will never forget you. The genital warts will see to that.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Eleanor Rigby

2007-02-11T04:41:00.000-08:00

Author: Douglas Coupland

Fans of the Beatles (John, Paul, George and that other guy) will be familiar with the name. Their song about "all the lonely people" inspired this bittersweet story of loss, loneliness and what it means to wake up one morning and realize that the person you are is the only person you will ever be.

Meet Liz Dunn; she's thirty-something, overweight and as far as everyone around her is concerned, completely invisible. Which is just fine by her, thank-you-very-much. After all, she wouldn't want to "inflict her presence" on anyone and make them uncomfortable, right? That is until her son re-enters her life and shakes her faith in the cold comforts of loneliness.

Coupland has the uncanny ability to invoke profound emotion using simple, uncomplicated language. We identify with his characters not because they are larger than life, but because they are small, flawed and fragile....Just like us. When they succeed we cheer, when they fail we flinch and when they die we mourn.

It's not quite as deeply moving as Hey Nostradamus! or as witty and subversive as JPod but it is classic Coupland. My only complaint is this: If you are going to write a book based on a Beatles song, why not "Yellow Submarine"? Just imagine all the zany underwater adventures! Now there's a book I'd like to read! No YOU'RE Immature. No YOU ARE!

Score: 8/12 monkeys

THIS is News?!?!

2007-02-09T09:31:00.000-08:00

The recent death of Anna Nicole Smith and the subsequent media feeding frenzy is just one more symptom in this disease of mistaking human tragedy for entertainment news. I'd just like to assure my loyal readers (both of you!) that my idea of "pop-culture" does not include this brand of morbid, ambulance-chasing journalism. Besides, we were all familiar with Anna Nicole and her lifestyle, is her death really newsworthy at all? It's like picking up your local newspaper and seeing this as the headline on the front page: "Having a Lot of Money Can Make You Rich, Experts Say". I think the fact that she lived as long as she did was more worthy of our collective interest than the story of her inevitable death. When did our idea of "entertainment" shift from reading a good book or watching a good movie to this sort of thing anyhow? The lives and deaths of the rich and semi-famous may be fascinating but they ARE NOT NEWS anymore than my death would be a "tragedy" if I took enough methadone to kill an elephant and washed it all down with three bottles of whiskey. I feel sorry for her children and the people that loved her that she left behind. That's it, end of story. She wanted to be Marilyn Monroe....Well, mission accomplished.

Jesus Camp

2007-02-09T05:48:00.000-08:00

Jesus Camp

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Directed by: Heidi Ewing, Rachel Grady

The media has gone out of its way in the past few years to show us the end result of Islamic fundementalism. I think we can all agree that kids walking into crowded cafe's strapped with explosives is a bad thing. Sadly, this type of reporting has led many of us to paint all Muslims with the same brush. Now, imagine for a moment if you will, what would happen if all Christians were judged based on documentaries like Jesus Camp. Airport security sure wouldn't be a cakewalk anymore would it? Kids aren't routinely blowing themselves up in the name of Jesus....Yet. But don't kid yourself; the battle lines are being drawn as we speak. One thing religious fundementalism teaches very well is how to pledge your undying love to some vague, nebulous idea while at the same time engendering hatred and loathing for those who don't share your beliefs. This type of "us" against "them" indoctrination is brought into sharp focus througout this wonderful documentary.

Heidi Ewing and Rachel Grady do an admirable job of presenting the subject matter in an unbiased fashion. However, any rational person is going to recognise this for what it is: A very insidious form of child abuse. Watching these kids regurgitate dogma under the watchful eyes of their parents then collapse, weeping in a religious stupor is a truly horrifying experience. They are given an "education" in social and political issues such as abortion, the war in Iraq and global warming in the same way that Hitler "educated" Germany about the evils of the Jewish people. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

Normally I'd make some tasteless joke right about now. But this shit just makes me too damn angry. So think up your own tasteless joke, you heartless bastard.

Score: 9/12 monkeys

Now THAT's Cold

2007-02-06T05:30:00.000-08:00

Where the hell is global warming when we really need it? I've left my car's engine idling for three straight days in the hopes that might speed things along, but the damn polar ice caps are still there and Al Gore is still alive. Come on people! If we're going to crank up mother nature's furnace, let's get to it already! Some of us haven't been outside in three days, and those of us brave enough to attempt it have died of exposure within minutes. Damn you environmental activists! First you take all the fun out of clubbing baby seals, and now this?!?!

Ahem....Sorry about all that. I'm having a hard time maintaining my "happy place" in the face of these unbelievably cold temperatures. It's been somewhere in the neighborhood of -20 degrees celcius here for the past week, and I'm just not built for this crap. There are only so many tea parties a guy can have with his stuffed animal "friends" before cabin fever starts to make dying of frostbite seem like a reasonable alternative.

In the interest of staying sane for one more day, I've decided to put a little Infinite Monkey spin on that frigid, heartless bitch we call Mother Nature. Here are the top five movies in which bone-numbing, knife-in-the-guts COLD has a starring role....

1. Alive (1993)

I don't think anyone will ever forget this based-on-a-true story about what the Uruguayan rugby team had to do to survive after their plane crashed in the Andes. I'm in danger of freezing to death just thinking about it. I'm also a little hungry...Hey Nando, you gonna eat all that?

2. Cliffhanger (1993)

Or as I like to call it: Rambo in the Rockies. Sly had his hands full with an overacting John Lithgow, a mountain full of machine gun weilding bad guys and the need to climb a bunch of stuff. Who needs survival gear? Not Rocky. He just has to flex his rippling muscles to warm up, and if that doesn't do it, he just punches the snowstorm right in the face.

3. Fargo (1996)

The Coen brothers won 2 Oscars for this funny yet unsettling film about a small-town murder and the tenacious, very pregnant policewoman who tracks down the bumbling perpetrators. The nasty Minnesota winter is front and center here, making a little trip headfirst through the ole' woodchipper look downright cozy.

4. March of The Penguins (2005)

I have to be honest here. I don't trust flightless birds. Who do they think they're kidding? I have a sneaking suspicion that they just want us to think they can't fly. That way, when the uprising comes they can take us by surprise. At least we have them trapped in a place where tempratures of -60 degrees celcius are beating them into submission.

I don't recommend watching this movie without a winter parka and lots of whisky. Also, a box of kleenex for when you...ummm...You know, get something in your eye and stuff....

Curse you flightless birds, you've emasculated me again!

5. The Thing (1982)

John Carpenter's horror masterpiece forces us to contemplate a nasty lose-lose situation. A gruesome death at the hands of a slimy, shapeshifting alien thing, or slowly freezing to death in the Antarctic. Personally, I'd take my chances with the alien. I mean, it got it's ass handed to it by Kurt Russell, how bad could it be?

Here's a good rule of thumb: The next time you find a giant alien spacecraft buried beneath the ice, just leave it alone. I have never, and I repeat, NEVER seen anything good come of poking around in there.

That's all I can think of at the moment. My thoughts are getting sluggish...feeling a little sleepy...I think I'll just close my eyes for a minute...You guys go on without me...I'll be fine. Just need. A little. Sleep.

Super-Bowel Sunday

2007-02-04T07:40:00.000-08:00

Sunday is a day that has become synonymous with silly rituals. In fact, the word "Sunday" comes from the ancient Mesopotamian word "Suna-Dayik"; a derogatory term used to describe someone who blindly follows a useless tradition without really understanding why. The literal translation is: "Silly follower". If your bullshit alarm is going off at the moment, congratulations. Just remember something: I'm only half-kidding.

This particular Sunday we have one of the greatest silly rituals of all time. A veritable orgy of consumerism, gluttony and drunken debauchery. The most entertaining television programming of the year will be shown in the form of thirty-second commercials. Roughly 30 MILLION pounds of snacks will be shoveled into pie-holes and rinsed down with millions of gallons of beer. A hilarious train wreck of irrelevent entertainers will prance around as we all look away in embarassment during the infamous half-time show. And a bunch of guys will play football or something. Whatever.

The important thing to remember is this: Some overpaid suits actually sat down in a meeting somwhere and collectively decided that we all really, really LOVE Prince.....

Yeah, I know....I thought they were kidding too. Until the end part. I'm gonna go take a handful of tranquilizers and slip into a warm bath. If I'm still breathing, wake me up when all this is over. SUNA-DAYIK!!!

Laugh You Useless Idiots, Laugh!

2007-02-02T07:40:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the lack of book reviews lately, I've been fumbling through The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins and it's pretty heavy stuff. I've been averaging about one WORD per week, so at this rate you'll see my full review of this remarkably shiny book sometime around the spring of 2036.

In the meantime enjoy this recent press conference courtesy of the two guys busted for hanging "suspicious-looking" promotional material for the new Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie in Boston. Here's the full story in case you missed it. This story is an early frontrunner for my Infinte Monkey Award for The Greatest Thing of the Year (The IMAFTGTOTY for those of you who prefer acronyms. Click on it to see last year's winner). Listening to these idiotic reporters fire questions at these guys made me realize two things:

1) I'm glad I studied print rather than broadcast journalism.

2) The war against terrorism is over and the terrorists have won. They have made us so irrationally afraid of the things that go bump in the night that we have lost our sense of humor. And once we've lost that, we've lost everything.

My hat is off to these rebel gorillas of marketing. Not only did they expose a little post-9/11 social ugliness, they answered some pressing questions about hair. That, my friends, is funny.

The Departed

2007-02-01T06:12:00.000-08:00

The Departed - Trailer

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Directed by: Martin Scorsese
Starring: It would be easier to list who ISN'T in it.

It's not very often life grants us a "mulligan" (aka: a "do-over" for the non-golfers out there). How many of us wouldn't love to go back and take another shot at things like prom, the big job interview or that night you convinced your girlfriend that it was better without a condom? Well, thanks to this year's Academy Award nominations, I have had the rare opportunity to see a movie that I missed out on last year, and have been crying myself to sleep over ever since. That movie is, of course, The Departed which is now in limited re-release to build Oscar buzz for its run at the best picture prize.

Scorsese is intimately familiar with this type of filmmaking having given us testosterone-fueled mob epics like Goodfella's, Casino, and most recently, Gangs of New York. The scenes are raw, quick-cut vignettes that form a sort of tapestry of events rather than a straight-forward narrative. I found this method of storytelling a little jarring at first until I realized this was an incredibly effective way to convey the passage of time. It beats the hell out of the old "One year later...." cop-out employed by lesser directors. Bravo Mr. Scorsese! Well played sir.

In a huge ensemble cast that includes Jack Nicholson, Martin Sheen and Mark Wahlberg, its gotta' be tough for any one performance to outshine the rest. But Leonardo DiCaprio bitch-slaps them all with his brilliant turn as the sunken-eyed, deeply conflicted Billy Costigan. All you Leo haters out there who love to bring up Titanic (which was actually a really GOOD movie, damnit! What the hell is wrong with you people?!?) better get ready to have your misguided opinion changed forever. Leo is all growed-up now and if this movie doesn't validate him as a serious player than nothing will.

The Onion once claimed that Scorsese's next film would be three hours of begging for an Oscar. If by "begging" they mean "deserving" then yeah, I'd say that's EXACTLY what The Departed is.

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Hello Vista. Goodbye Four Hours of My Life.

2007-01-30T13:59:00.000-08:00

If I happen to run into Bill Gates in the near future, I'm going to kick him in the balls and demand that he compensate me for all the valuable drinkin' time I lost while jamming this new operating system into my computer. That's right, I said JAMMING. You see, Vista comes packaged with a crowbar, a hammer and a bottle of vodka. The instructions read: Drink vodka, hit yourself repeatedly with hammer, jam Vista in with crowbar. I asked the nice girl at the computer place why the crowbar was necessary. She just laughed and said: "You'll see....".

After finally getting the monster installed, it proceeded to lay the smackdown on several programs that it had issues with. It told me, in no uncertain terms, that I had to uninstall about three pieces of software, otherwise it would cry, run away, and frame me for a murder I didn't commit.

Four hours, three calls to tech support and two bottlles of vodka later I was up and running Windows Vista! It's just like Windows XP but with a really fancy-schmancy aquarium screen-saver. Was it all worth it? Damn straight it was. I loves me the aquariums.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force...The Movie Baby!

2007-01-28T06:43:00.000-08:00

Behold! The movie guaranteed to make your head explode with sheer, unbridled awsomeness! The most exciting thing to ever happen to you! The cure for cancer! The place where all the missing socks go! That's right, it's the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie. All of your dreams have finally come true. Except maybe the one about the midgets and farm animals, but hey, there are no judgements here, you sick bastard.

If you see only one film in 2007....See Spiderman 3....If you have any money left over from giving blood, see The Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie. You'll be the only one of your friends who "gets" the Frylock quotes when they are bandied about at parties. That's assuming you have any friends outside of the World of Warcraft, of course. On second thought, just go play in traffic and try not to chew on your helmet.

The Walmart War

2007-01-25T05:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, January 24th at approximately 0730 hours a brand new 220,000 square-foot Walmart "Super"Store declared war on my quaint little town of 70,000 souls. Thousands of sleep-deprived soldiers, armed with promotional sales flyers stormed the gates and pillaged cheap bikes, portable phones and screwdriver sets. The only thing this invading army of value shoppers didn't do was set fire to the fortress on their way out. The 625 Walmart warriors somehow managed to calm the mob with plastic smiles and offers of free cookies and lottery tickets.

The war was over before it even began. The things I witnessed that fateful January morning will haunt my nightmares for years....

I witnessed people shuffling like dead-eyed zombies down the endless rows of cheap, plastic crap. I witnessed small children being subtly brainwashed by giant, corporate mascots like Ronald McDonald and The Hamburgler. I actually witnessed a man being shoved roughly aside because he was standing too close to one of the THREE entrances and was, evidently in somebody's way.

We might as well embrace our new corporate masters, so repeat after me:

"We don't really need jobs that pay a liveable wage and small, locally-owned businesses are just annoying with all that customer service bullshit. I would much rather support communist China by shopping for sweatshop-made goods at my brand-new Super Walmart!"

Do me a favour; before you go out to score your next Walmart fix, watch this movie. Afterward, if you still feel the need to buy all your useless crap there, try starting a small fire in the menswear section. Maybe we can burn the fucking thing down after all. Viva La Revolution!

Bright Eyes

2007-01-23T07:01:00.000-08:00

Album: I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning
Singer/Songwriter/Guitarist: Conor Oberst
Additional Instruments: Mike Mogis, Nate Walcott

Unless you are familiar with Omaha's indie music scene, or have a very eclectic music library, you've probably never heard of Bright Eyes. Well, I'm here to fix that, because if you are a fan of stripped-down ballads and lyrics full of raw emotion then this band should definitely be on your radar screen.

Every track on this album, from "At The Bottom of Everything" to "Road to Joy" is a beautifully crafted piece of urban poetry. Conor Oberst's disarming vocals convey the pain, joy and quiet suffering of the post 9/11 generation. Check him out below performing "Landlocked Blues" live and you'll see what I mean:

landlockedblues.

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Now shut off Bearshare/Limewire and drag your fat, music downloading ass over to your local record store to score a copy of this album. Not only is it good karma to support your favorite artists but most chicks that work in record stores are kinda' hot. You can grab some great music AND a potential stalking victim! Can file sharing software do that? I don't think so! High five!

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Children of Men

2007-01-18T06:21:00.000-08:00

'Children of Men' Trailer

Directed by: Alfonso Cuaron
Starring: Clive Owen, Julianne Moore, Michael Caine

"This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper."

-T.S. Eliot "The Hollow Men"

Humanity is dangling over the edge of the abyss in Alfonso Cuaron's "Children of Men" and it's hanging on by it's fingernails. A miraculously pregnant woman offers some hope for salvation, but as the savage fascism unfolds around her, we are forced to ask ourselves: Do we really deserve to survive?

Luckily we have Clive Owen, who's flip-flop clad protagonist provides an anchor of morality in a world where basic human decency has long-ago been set adrift. He is tasked with delivering the pregnant "Kee" (played with wild-eyed vulnerability by newcomer Claire-Hope Ashitey) beyond the clutches of a corrupt British government and a group of freedom-fighters-turned terrorists and into the welcoming arms of a group commited to saving civilization known only as "The Human Project".

One of the biggest stars of this show is Alfonso Cuaron's brilliant cinematography. His police-state London and war-torn refugee camp present a vision of the future that looks disturbingly like the images we see on the news every night. The action sequences rip the audience out of its role of dispassionate observer and place it in the middle of white-knuckle gun fights and car chases. The single-cut, first-person fluidity of these scenes has to be seen to be believed.

My first piece of unsolicited advice in 2007 is this: GO SEE THIS MOVIE. It's a brilliant piece of filmmaking and an early frontrunner for my favorite movie of the year. I know, it's only January, but with most of the garbage coming out of Hollywood these days (see "Idiocracy" review below) I'm pretty confident in that pronouncement.

Score: 12/12 monkeys

2007 Golden Globes: The Fallout

2007-01-16T06:30:00.000-08:00

I woke up to the sound of my own laboured breathing this morning. Covered in a thin sheet of cold sweat and surrounded by the bitter odour of stale beer and decomposing pizza. Worst of all, somone had stuffed my head full of fire ants while I slept and the little bastards were having a kegger in my frontal lobe. Was this the aftermath of a wild orgy of beer, strippers and midget porn? Sadly, no. It is what happens after watching nearly three and a half hours of spoiled, rich people giving gold statues to each other.

You may have already been "informed" of this years winners, but since my opinion is the only one that really matters, I'll give you the run-down. Don't try this at home kids, I'm a professional....

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Jeremy Irons - Elizabeth I (HBO)

The Hollywood foreign press loves these "period" pieces about foppish British dandys skipping about with giant powdered wigs and too much make-up. Jeremy could have used a little of that make-up last night...It looked like he just crawled out of a hole after a week-long bender. Well, he lives in Ireland, what the hell do you expect?

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Emily Blunt - Gideon's Daughter (BBC)

Who the hell is Emily Blunt? That name sounds like an alias to me. I don't trust anyone who is named after a slang word for a marijuana cigarette. Personally, I think she's some sort of communist spy. I wonder what happened to her partners, Chris Joint and Mike Fatty.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Bill Nighy - Gideon's Daughter (BBC)

Would someone please explain to me what the hell the science guy was doing at the awards? I spent his whole acceptance speech waiting for him to show me how to make a rocket out of baking soda and toilet paper rolls.

Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television: Helen Mirren - Elizabeth I (HBO)

You gotta hand it to Helen Mirren, she has such a powerful, commanding presence that if she did ever run for Queen of England, I'd sure as hell vote for her. Wait, what do you mean you don't vote for a Queen?!? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Best Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made for Television: Elizabeth I (HBO) Company Pictures/channel 4/HBO Films; HBO

If I have to sit through another movie about a dumb-ass royal family, I'm going to orchestrate ANOTHER fatal car accident involving a princess. Don't make me do it again! I will!

Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series - Musical Or Comedy: Alec Baldwin - 30 Rock (NBC)

I thought they said "Third Rock". Wasn't that John Lithgow? That show was funny. What the hell is "30 Rock"? And why is Alec Baldwin still alive? I thought I payed those Mexican guys to "take care" of him.

Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series - Musical Or Comedy: America Ferrera - Ugly Betty (ABC)

This was acutally a nice little cinderella story. A virtually unknown actress competeing against one of the bitches from Desprate Housewives walked away with the Globe. Marcia Cross was probably seething in barely-contained rage, and secretly wishing America Ferrerra was fat and ugly...Oh, wait....

Best Television Series - Musical Or Comedy: Ugly Betty (ABC) Touchstone Television; ABC

I watched one episode of this show. I thought I was watching a bad Saturday Night Live parody or something. If this is the best comedy on television right now, then your better off watching re-runs of Seinfeld and Friends.

Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series - Drama: Hugh Laurie - House (FOX)

The best show on television. The best actor on television. Also, the second-funniest acceptance speech of the night. I can't say enough good things about Hugh Laurie. Without sounding like a complete homo anyway.

Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series - Drama: Kyra Sedgwick - The Closer (TNT)

Mrs. Kevin Bacon won this one by default. It wasn't a question of who had the best performance, it was a question of who was the least hideously ugly out of the nominees in this category. Thankfully they gave it to Kyra...I was trying to eat and I didn't want to watch Patricia Arquette blob herself onto the stage.

Best Television Series - Drama: Grey's Anatomy (ABC) Touchstone Television

Let's see...The other candidates in this category were: Lost, 24 and Heroes. Argueably three of the coolest shows on T.V. and they gave the award to this piece of shit prime-time soap opera?!?! This is proof that the judges are a bunch of bitter, unemployed, middle-aged women.

Best Original Song - Motion Picture: ";The Song Of The Heart"; - Happy Feet Music & Lyrics By: Prince Rogers Nelson

Prince was so busy trying to figure out which bathroom to use that Justin Timberlake had to accept the award for him. Further evidence that we need THREE seperate facitlities these days: MENS, LADIES and MISCELLANEOUS.

Best Original Score - Motion Picture: The Painted Veil (Desplat) Composed by Alexandre Desplat

How many of you actually care about this category? That's what I thought. Moving on.....

Best Screenplay - Motion Picture: The Queen Written by Peter Morgan

Unless this has something to do with Freddy Mercury, I'm not interested. He was The Queen. Period.

Best Director - Motion Picture: Martin Scorsese - The Departed

My biggest regret of 2006 is that I didn't get a chance to see this one when it was in theatres. It looks damn cool, especially with Scorsese behind the camera. He is in a class all by himself. And how about those eyebrows!

Best Foreign Languge Film: Letters From Iwo Jima (Japan, United States) Warner Bros. Pictures/DreamWorks Pictures; Warner Bros. Pictures

This is the "companion" movie to Flags of Our Fathers. It looks at the battle of Iwo Jima from the Japanese perspective. Sadly though, it was only screened in about four theatres across the country. I guess those of us who are interested will have to wait for the DVD release. It was much more important to theatre owners that we had Basic Instinct 2 playing on two screens. Priorities, you know.

Best Animated Feature Film: Cars Walt Disney Pictures/Pixar Animation Studio; Buena Vista Pictures Distribution

Even though I felt this was one of Pixar's weakest films, it still blows all the competition out of the water. Their CG-animated stories are like pizza, sex and beer...Even when they are bad, they are still pretty good.

Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture: Eddie Murphy - Dreamgirls

See you in another ten years Eddie. Don't get any ideas about having talent or anything. Remember: It's just an award. You can buy statues that look just like them at Target with your employee discount.

Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture: Jennifer Hudson - Dreamgirls

This film was generating so much buzz last night, I think I may have to check it out. Right after my sexual re-assignment surgery.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy: Sacha Cohen - Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan

Wow-wow-wee-wow! High Five! The most deserving, hard-earned, no-contest award handed out last night. Also the funniest acceptance speech I've ever heard. Ever. I have to admit, I was a little bummed that he wasn't in Borat mode, but he's probably afraid some idiot might try to sue him again.

Super-sexy update: Some brilliant person finally uploaded the acceptance speech video, so here it is in case you missed it:

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy: Meryl Streep - The Devil Wears Prada

I like Meryl Streep and I'm happy that she won, but I have to ask myself: "did she really deserve it for THIS?" Her character in this overrated piece of trash is bascially Cruella DeVille from 101 Dalmations. There is even a point in the film where she sings about making a dog-fur coat. Coincidence? I think not.

Best Motion Picture - Musical Or Comedy: Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of KazakhstanOne America; Twentieth Century Fox

Just kidding. It was actually Dreamgirls. But this is my blog, and I say it's Borat. Hey Hollywood Foreign Press, fuck you.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama: Forest Whitaker - The Last King Of Scotland

It's about damn time Forest Whitaker won something. He's one of the most underrated actors in the business. He is to acting what I am to blogging. Don't worry, I'll win something someday too...Mark my words. Mwahahaha!

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama: Helen Mirren - The Queen

Just in case you suck at math, that makes TWO globes for Mrs. Mirren. She was spotted giving one to Kate Winslet after the show, because she felt sorry for her. Just kidding, she kept BOTH of them. Selfish bitch.

Best Motion Picture - Drama: Babel Anonymous Content Production/Una Produccion De Zeta Film/Central Films Production; Paramount Pictures/Paramount Vantage

When did this awesome-looking flick come out? Honestly, it's like they were trying to keep it a secret or something. Here's a tip: If you make a multi-million dollar movie with huge stars and a great story a good idea might be to ADVERTISE it. I see what's going on here...The Big Wigs in Hollywood are trying to keep all the best movies to themselves. While shoveling all their garbage on the unsuspecting public. You'll never get away with this! Those of us who paid to watch Idiocracy will have our revenge!

Cecil B. DeMille Award: Warren Beatty

That's all she wrote boys and girls. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go smash myself in the nuts with a mallet to make the pain in my head go away. Don't even try to tell me it won't work. I am, after all, a professional.

Idiocracy

2007-01-14T07:36:00.000-08:00

Directed by: Mike Judge
Starring: Luke "I needed the paycheck" Wilson

The narrator of Mike Judge's latest bowel movement helpfully informs us that brain-dead entertainment has helped to create an entire society of morons. Here is a shining, classic example of a self-fulfilling prophecy: Watching this movie for the full ninety minutes will actually significantly lower your IQ. It's a cautionary tale about the value of education told with the subtle nuances of fart jokes and groin injuries. It makes my head hurt just thinking about it.

The very people that Mike Judge is mocking are the only people that will appreciate the humor. So if you're a fan of the Jackass franchise, this may well be your Citizen Kane. For the rest of us, who are not at risk of winning a Darwin Award this is more like Cabin Boy.

Score: 1/12 monkeys

Tigger: 1, Some Dumb Kid: 0

2007-01-09T06:31:00.000-08:00

If you're wondering why I haven't posted a book or movie review lately, it's because I've been busy doing a little investigative journalism. Armed with nothing more than my trusty shoe-phone and my elite team of monkey spies, I have discovered that our beloved Disney "friends" are trained in a LOT more than just how to be incredibly annoying.

First, take a look at this....

This kid was in WAY over his head. Pay particular attention to the precision and fluidity of the arm lock applied by Tigger and the easy transition into his left-hook. This is more than just a giant, stuffed tiger lashing out in pain and anger. This Tigger's had some training....

After several days of following false leads and hundreds of dollars spent bribing Winnie the Pooh for intel, my monkey spies were able to infiltrate the secret Disney training facility and capture this shocking video.....

From this we can draw three distinct conclusions:

1. Walt Disney is plotting to take over the world using genetically engineered super-tigger-soldiers.

2. I have way too much free time on my hands.

3. Winnie The Pooh will roll over on anybody. Lousy rat bastard.

George Carlin: People Who Should Die

2007-01-07T20:52:00.000-08:00

With the current "new" crop of brilliant stand-up comedians like Dane Cook and Dave Attell it's easy to forget the masters.

With his cantankerous ramblings and bleeding edge sarcasm, George Carlin has been serving up some of the most brilliant routines for over 40 years. He has shocked Ed Sullivan's audience, headlined The Tonight Show during Carson's reign, and dared to utter the seven words you can never say on television. What would the world of stand-up look like today without his genius to show us the way to political incorrectness? We would probably still be telling knock-knock jokes and watching clowns get hit in the face with pies.

Now grab a beer, sit back and watch a master at work.

Spiders on Drugs...Way to go Science!

2007-01-06T09:18:00.000-08:00

I sure am glad I happened across this video when I did. The question of what would happen to a spider's web-building abilities if it were given LSD has been haunting me for days. I finally have my answer and I'm posting it here to set your minds at ease as well. 'Cause I don't know much, but I do know my audience and this is the kind of thing you simpletons lose sleep over. Rest easy, Skippy, and don't let the crack spiders bite.

30 Reasons Why the Earth is Worth Saving

2007-01-05T08:47:00.000-08:00

According to a new poll released yesterday by Decima Research the environment is now the top issue on the minds of Canadians, eclipsing old standards like health care and foreign policy. Not only are we worried about the health of our planet, we're worried that our elected representatives aren't worried about it enough. That's an awful lot of worry. It's also good news, in a way. People are finally begining to realize that temperatures of 50 degrees celsius on January 5th are not only abnormal, they can be downright hazardous to our health.

If you make only one resolution is 2007, how about setting aside the egocentric "I need to lose weight" bullshit and make it "I'm going to do something nice for the planet" instead. If at this point you are sighing, rolling your eyes and calling me a tree-hugging hippie freak consider this: If you do plan on exercising in the new year, it would be a good idea to concentrate on your swimming, because if these warming trends continue global sea levels could rise by more than twenty feet within the next century. That puts places like south Florida and Manhattan Island completely under water.

Still not convinced? Well, take a look at the above video. It's a slideshow of Earthshots top 30 "photos of the day". It really is a beautiful planet, and it's worth saving.

Everything Bad Is Good For You

2007-01-01T13:16:00.000-08:00

Author: Steven Johnson

Welcome to 2007! Have you made your new years' resolutions yet? Do they include watching more TV, playing more video games or spending more time surfing the web? If not, then you should read "Everything Bad Is Good For You" before you make any hasty decisions about quitting smoking or losing weight. As it turns out, these activities actually give you a good mental workout. They will not, however, do anything for your inability to walk up three stairs without getting winded. For that you're going to have to stop shoving cake in your pie-hole, fatty.

I couldn't help but feeling just a little vindicated after reading Steven Johnson's well-researched and intelligent argument. I've been spouting off for years to anyone who will listen about the sophistication of shows like The Simpsons and South Park and video games like Grand Theft Auto. Contrary to what the "old guard" has been preaching about the "dumbing down" of society, popular media is actually making us measureably SMARTER; a happy little phenomenon that Johnson calls "the sleeper curve".

Simply put, this sleeper curve reminds us that we humans are a problem solving species that isn't really satisfied unless we can sink our mental teeth into a good challenge now and then. Therefore, in order for modern media to become and stay popular, it has to be sophisticated enough to give our highly-evolved intelligence a good workout.

So the next time somebody accuses you of wasting your life playing video games, just tell their dumb-ass that you're studying to become the next president of the Universe or whatever. Then throw something at them, preferably this book. They'll understand. Even if they don't, who needs them anyway!

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Infinite Monkey Award for The Greatest Thing of The Year

2006-12-31T11:36:00.000-08:00

The Infinite Monkey award for the greatest thing I've seen all year goes to...Drumroll please...Stephen Colbert's brilliant speech at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner.

Let's face it, jokes at the expense of George W. Bush aren't exactly high comedy these days. In fact, they rank right up there with making fun of special olympic athletes or the elderly. It's just too damn easy. It does, however, take giant balls of solid titanium to mock The President of the United States on national television while he is sitting right next to you.

Apparently, Baby Bush wasn't too pleased. Awww...Poor little fella'. If you asked me, it's WAY past time someone wrote this moron a reality check. Clinton was impeached for lying about a blowjob, meanwhile junior's "victory" in Iraq has cost more than 3000 young, innocent lives and all he's gotten so far is a gentle ribbing. Well, no one ever said life was fair, but at least we have people like Stephen Colbert to make us laugh at the injustice of it all.

Score: 12/12 monkeys & Infinite Monkeys Greatest Thing Award, 2006

Finally some truth in advertising...

2006-12-29T12:04:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure if this clip broke in 05' or 06' but who cares? It still deserves a place of honor in my "best of 2k6" compilation.

I often wonder just how many Dells went flying off the shelves after "Randy" gave them this glowing endorsement.

*Bonus: If you listen closely right before he hangs up he sneaks in one more "Porno!"

Randy, my hat is off to you...Now if only they came with a "left-handed mouse".

Tom Mabe OWNS a Telemarketer

2006-12-29T10:57:00.001-08:00

Number 2 on my list of "awesomeness in 2006" is this audio clip of a telemarketer getting bitch-slapped by comedian Tom Mabe. If you are wondering why these annoyingly invasive calls are now mostly automated, here is your answer. It's much more difficult to convince a machine that it has just called a crime scene and may be an accessory to murder. By the end of this clip, I actually felt a pang of pity for the poor guy, which is amazing considering my usual reaction of wishing these people a slow, painful death.

Here It Goes Again by Ok Go

2006-12-29T05:47:00.001-08:00

This should win an award for...umm...SOMETHING, damnit!

The week between Christmas and New Year's Day is one of my favorite times of the year. Boxing day sales make it easy to justify buying all the stuff you really wanted but your worthless family was too cheap to shell out for, all the "year in review" programs on TV make us nostalgic for a year that isn't even over yet, and nobody judges you for being drunk off your ass most of the time because, hey...It's the holidays!

I thought I would do my own "year in review", with a twist. Instead of regurgitating depressing news stories about the insane war in Iraq, or all the famous people who cashed in their chips, I thought I would put a positive spin on things and tell you about some of the stuff that made me smile/laugh in good 'ole 2006.

Here we have not only the best video of the year, but the most creative use of a piece of fitness equipment EVER. Unless you count that time that I used a skipping rope to tie up that cheerleader....Ummm....Nevermind. Forget I said anything.

A Trailer Park Boys Christmas

2006-12-24T05:13:00.000-08:00

Dailymotion blogged video
Christmas Special Trailer Park Boys
Video sent by colbybear

Well you unappreciative bastards, here is my fourth and final gift. The complete one hour Trailer Park Boys Christmas Special. The great thing about this episode is it also doubles as a drinking game. Just take one drink every time the F-word is used and two drinks every time you see Julian take a sip from his ever-present rum and coke. It's fun for the whole family! Happy Holidays! See you in Rehab!

Robot Chicken Christmas

2006-12-23T05:25:00.000-08:00

Dailymotion blogged video
Robot Chicken -121- Christmas 2005
Video sent by clucker

It's amazing what a few motivated individuals can do with action figures and stop-motion animation these days. Welcome to the world of Robot Chicken. Seth Green and company have a special holiday message for you: Japanese inspired animation and Chrsitmas don't mix, and Santa is a coke dealer! Stuff that in your stocking. It's kinda' like "It's a Wonderful Life", except in colour, and with more laser battles. Enjoy!

Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past

2006-12-22T10:08:00.000-08:00

Dailymotion blogged video
ATHF - 209 - Cybernetic Ghost
Video sent by Smilee1

This just isn't right at all...That's why I love it so much...

On the second day of Christmas my love monkey gave to me....Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode for free!

Well this is about as close as the ATHF gets to a Christmas episode, so here it is for your viewing enjoyment. It features a swimming pool filled with elf blood. Don't say I didn't warn you, you sick bastard. HO! HO! HO!

Christmas, South Park Style

2006-12-21T10:36:00.000-08:00

Dailymotion blogged video
woodland critter christmas
Video sent by limblessjudo

A nice, wholesome christmas episode. Sorta'...

Merry Christmas to all my loyal readers (both of you)! In the true spirit of the season, I'll be throwing up some gifts for your twisted enjoyment. A new one EVERY DAY until Christmas. That's four, in case you are mathematically challenged like me.

You've just unwrapped the COMPLETE "Woodland Critter Christmas" episode from South Park. And no, you can't take it back if you don't like it. I lost the reciept. Aloha!

A Complicated Kindness

2006-12-19T11:34:00.000-08:00

Author: Miriam Toews

"There was a new sign in the Tomboy window. COME ON IN AND CHECK OUT OUR NEW MEAT DEPARTMENT! I stared at it for a while. And then I crossed the little parking lot and went in and walked to the back of the store and looked at the pieces of meat behind the glass. The butcher, who was also the man who opened the windows in church with a long stick that had a hook on the end of it, said hello and wondered if there was something he could do for me. I told him I was just checking out the meat.
This is the new meat department? I asked.
That's right, he said. We've expanded our selection. He spread his arms.
I nodded. It's nice, I said. It's very um...you have a lot of interesting meat products here.
Yes, he said, we're very happy with it.
Yeah, I said. Well, me too. I smiled. He smiled."

-a complicated kindness
Miriam Toews

The passage above is just an appetizer in this wonderful banquet of a book. It's a straightforward narrative told from the perspective of 16-year-old Nomi Nickel. The simple, elegant prose draws you into the life of a little girl struggling not only with adulthood, but with the religious fundamentalism of her Mennonite community. Nomi bites, kicks and thrashes at the world in an attempt to understand why her family is falling apart, why her boyfriend is so aloof, and, most of all, how people can claim to care for you while at the same time imposing tortureous, inhuman dogma.

Despite the title, this is a brilliantly uncomplicated story. There are great depths of emotion to be found here, and an unflinching perspective so clear that you'd think Miriam Toews has written an autobiography of her own childhood experiences.

My only petty complaint is that it too short and I read it too fast. Not much of a complaint eh? Well, that's all I got. Deal with it.

Score: 11/12 monkeys

An Inconvenient Truth

2006-12-19T07:26:00.000-08:00

Directed by: Davis Guggenheim
Starring: Al Gore, Al Gore's Laptop, Al Gore's Ego and Al Gore's Hypocrisy

Looks like Al Gore is running for political office again. He must be, why else would he produce this 90-minute campaign ad, not-so-cleverly disguised as a documentary on global warming? Our buddy Al spends most of those 90 minutes in front of a giant, expensive-looking powerpoint presentation, giving us the hard facts about the imminent demise of our planet. He quotes dubious sources that he simply identifies as "a friend of mine", or "My scientist buddy". He blames the current administration for their laughable enviromental policy while in the same breath claims that this isn't a political issue. He strangles a homeless guy and drowns a kitten.

Okay, he didn't do those last two things, but he might as well have. The zombies sitting in his studio audience would never question the infinite wisdom of Al Gore. Is that homeless guy okay? Who cares...Look, Al is showing a clip from The Simpsons!

I can't quite get my head around this "documentary". On one hand, many of the facts are quite staggering and the raw data is very sobering. On the other hand, we have an over-paid, ex-vice president driving and flying around the country telling us to try to cut down on our carbon dioxide emissions. Ummm, we can't burn any more fuel Al...You fucking used it all!

For over twenty years we have had brilliant, respected people like David Suzuki and Laurie David warning us about the environmental toll we humans are taking on mother earth. I urge you to visit their sites and contribute if you can. Hey, If it takes a snakeoil salesman like Al Gore to mobilize you into thinking about these issues, than I guess that's better than nothing. Just promise me one thing; if he ever does run for office again, run the other way.

Score: 2/12 monkeys

Pick Your Pony!

2006-12-17T15:06:00.000-08:00

For those of you who enjoy a friendly wager now and then, get ready because nothing says "fun" like betting on The Golden Globes! Seriously, it's the Superbowl for pop-culture junkies like me. Got any predictions? Care to make things interesting? Want to buy a monkey? Shoot me an e-mail and we'll get down to biz-nass.

For a complete list of the nominees go HERE

I'm actually pretty stoked about this year's awards. Who wouldn't love to see Sacha Baron Cohen hit the stage in full Borat gear to accept the award for best actor in a musical/comedy? Or Hugh Laurie bitch-slap the competition (as he should) and walk away with his second golden globe for House, M.D.? Or another drunk, idiot celebrity go on a racial slur tirade in front of millions of viewers? I can't wait! High Five!

Top 5 Worst Things You Can Do at the Office Christmas Party

2006-12-15T13:34:00.000-08:00

Don't be this guy

Worst case scenario. Don't let this happen to YOU!

The holiday season means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. There are, however, at least two experiences that we all have in common. The first being our complete loss of basic human decency as we push through pregnant women, crippled children and the elderly to get our hands on this years hottest gift. The second is, of course, the dreaded office Christmas party. Remember last year? You still can't look Brenda from marketing in the eye can you? Somebody should have told you ornaments were flammable, right? Well, that's where I come in. The following are the top five behaviors to avoid at all costs. Getting drunk is optional, but highly recommended.

#5: Getting High

The only thing worse than being surrounded by drunk people who have the power to fire you, is being surrounded by drunk people who have the power to fire you while paranoid and hungry. Save this for the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer marathon later. You'll need it.

#4: "Forgetting" about the secret santa portion of the evening

No one will buy the fact that you "forgot" to pick up a ten dollar, crap-tastic gift for someone you barely know. Avoid the shame, stop at 7-11 on the way over and get some gift certificates or something, cheapskate.

#3: Telling the boss your awesome ideas about how to improve *blank*

Just because you read about it on the internet, that doesn't mean the CEO of your company is going to love the idea of rationing staples or installing hammocks or whatever. Remember: You are drunk and you work in the mailroom for a reason.

#2: Hitting on that hot new girl in marketing

She's probably in a state of near-panic to begin with. The last thing she needs is your drunk ass shuffling over and asking her what she wants for Christmas. Then telling her you have something you'd like to stuff in her stocking. Then taking her arm and leading her forcibly towards the men's room. The last thing you need is another restraining order.

#1: Suggesting the local strip joint as the logical next phase of the party

Leading the charge to Tom's Cats Adult Entertainment may seem like a good idea after a dozen shots of jagermeister. Some fellow alcoholics may even follow you. The ones that don't, however, will remember your vile "suggestion" and you will forever be branded "the office pervert". It's not as bad as being branded "the office sociopath", but it's close. It's damn close.

Who Killed the Electric Car?

2006-12-12T13:59:00.000-08:00

Directed by: Chris Paine

I've been having a little problem with rage lately. Don't worry, I'm in therapy and the nice man in the white jacket says that I'll be fine if I can just stay away from the things that trigger my "episodes". You know what? I just finished watching "Who Killed the Electric Car?" and I'm off the wagon for good. Ah, sweet, sweet righteous anger...How I missed thee.

I think the best way to give you the vitals on this documentary is by providing you with a vulgar analogy: Let's say you are addicted to heroine. It's expensive, readily available and it will kill you eventually. Well, one day some guy comes up with a drug that gives you the exact same high as your precious smack, the only difference is it's cheaper and it is guaranteed to never, ever kill you. In fact, it may even make you healthier. This is a no brainer, right? Wait a second, not so fast my drug-addled friend. Your heroine dealer stands to lose a LOT of money in this deal. So he does what any self-respecting drug peddler would do...He destroys the new, safe drug and buries all evidence of it's exsistance.

I know what you're thinking, this could never really happen right? Well, it DID happen, but instead of "heroine", think "the internal combustion engine", and instead of "your smack dealer" think "government", "big oil" and "the automotive industry".

If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go light a puppy on fire. I might as well. Apparently no one gives a shit about things like social responsibility anymore. I'll fit right in.

This movie does lose a couple of points for featuring an interview with Mel Gibson describing how much better off we would all be if we embraced electric car technology. How's that for a glowing endorsement? A drunken, anti-semitic lunatic loves the electric car?! I'll take two!

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Why Lewis Black is my Hero...Reason #156

2006-12-11T14:07:00.000-08:00

Lewis Black

Homosexual penguins?!? The inmates are indeed running the asylum...

I haven't yet seen the film "Happy Feet", but I am very familiar with Mr. Lewis Black and his left-leaning political rants. Here he is again, in fine form leveling his laser-guided rage at the critics of this harmless, imaginative children's film.

By the way, if you happen to agree with any of the "reporters" whom Mr. Black is criticising, please leave my site. You might find this more to your liking. Moron.

Chinese Translation

2006-12-09T09:38:00.000-08:00

M. Ward Chinese Translation

You are getting sleepy...

Let's slow things down a bit with this pretty little song from Matt Ward, who goes by his stage name, uhh...M. Ward. Something about that stage name is really cool, I can't quite put my finger on it though...Ah, well.

This video is gorgeous. It's like a piece of zen art. I guarantee it will put a little smile on your face regardless of the kind of day you just had or are having.

You can find out more about Matt and his music at: http://www.mwardmusic.com/

For those of you who are paying attention, yes I did just use the word "pretty". Get over it.

Dropkick Murphys

2006-12-08T10:08:00.000-08:00

Spicy McHaggis

Al and Kenny tending bar. Hook me up with a Guinness mates!

Al Barr - Lead Vocals
Ken Casey - Lead Vocals, Bass
Matt Kelly - Drums, Bodhran, Vocals
James Lynch - Guitar, Vocals
Marc Orrell - Guitar, Accordion, Vocals
Tim Brennan - Mandolin, Accordion, Whistles
Scruffy Wallace - Bagpipes

Pssst...Hey, you. Yeah, you over there in the alternative rock section flipping through the Green Day cd's. Let me ask you a few things: Do you like REAL punk rock? Down-to-earth bands that don't take themselves too seriously? Dudes in kilts playing bagpipes and swilling Guinness? Yes? Then why the hell aren't you listening to the Dropkick Murphys? Sheesh...Kids these days....

The above video has the lads from Boston singing a tribute song to Spicy McHaggis, one of their two bagpipe players. Here is the essence of the Dropkick Murphys. I could have posted anything from one of their politically charged tunes like "Boys on the Docks" to one of their punk-a-rific covers of a traditional celtic ballad like "Black Velvet Band". Songs like the above, however, are what makes this band truly special. With all the angst, anger and negativiity oozing from "alternative" rock these days it's refreshing when these guys hit the stage and scream: "We are here to rock hard, drink beer, and have fun! Now quit whining and get in the fucking mosh pit!"

Okay, they didn't actually "say" that, but anyone who has ever been to one of their amazing live shows knows it's implied. I dare you to not get in the mosh pit. Nancy-boy.

Score: 12/12 drunk, Irish monkeys!

Johnny Depp is a pirate!

2006-12-06T09:16:00.000-08:00

Johnny on Letterman

Great actor. Great Interview. 'Nuff said.

In honour of the release of "Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest" on DVD this week, I thought I would throw up a clip from this Johnny Depp Interview. This little chat with Letterman took place waaaay back in July, during the promotional run for this film. Needless to say, I'm a huge Depp fan, and this movie was one of the most entertaining films to hit theaters this past year. Be sure to check it out. The final film in the trilogy is going to swagger into theaters reeking of rum and saltwater in summer '07. Arrrrr Matey!

What's not to like about a trilogy that has pirates, Johnny Depp, and an undead monkey? You might say: "Well, they are Disney movies..." Okay, fair enough. But Depp's performance as Captain Jack Sparrow transcends Disney's usual schlock. If it is guilty of one sin, I guess that would be the sin of it's own financial success; jaded film buffs that usually avoid high-grossing "summer blockbusters" are missing out on some classic cinema here. So put down that film-festival award winning, foreign language film and go rent/buy this immediately. Tell them an undead monkey sent ya'.

Humans are no longer the dominant predator on the planet...

2006-12-06T07:27:00.000-08:00

Liger

Where was this video shot? The Island of Doctor Moreau?

This video is exhibit "A" in the case that I am currently building against a group of mad scientists who have plans for world domination. Now I just need to locate their Island Fortress and stop them from breeding this thing with a ninja wolverine or something.

Seriously though; do any of you think this is a good idea? I was a huge Steve Irwin fan and he was tragically killed by a STINGRAY! Do we really need these things running around?!? Perhaps I am just being paranoid but I had a vivid nightmare last night after watching this video. A nightmare in which human beings were no longer running things on planet Earth. Sure, the environment was much better off and there were no longer any petty wars fueled by religious intolerance, but our Liger masters demanded that we hunt giant birds and mice for them and leave them at the doors to their caves.

George W. Bush and the religious right have a problem with stem cell research, but nobody has a problem with THIS? Where are our priorities people?

I'm going to go now and buy all the catnip I can afford, just in case our new masters need a "dealer" in the new world order.

The Hour

2006-12-05T07:27:00.000-08:00

Host: George Stroumboulopoulos

I should probably be sleeping right now, instead I'm working on my list of "the top five people with whom I would love to have a beer". My avid readers out there -both of them!- can probably guess who is currently sitting in the number one spot. The man pictured above just made number two. Lucky him! When is a good time to call you and set it up George? Tommy isn't returning my calls...Sorry, in case you are not one of my two avid readers, here is the list so far:

1. Tom Robbins
2. The guy with FIVE! syllables in his last name and host of CBC's The Hour

You may have noticed that I didn't post a video clip of the show in question. The reason for this is quite simple: I want you to actually watch this show, not just "You Tube" it. Remember your poor, neglected television? He does still have a couple of things worth watching and he misses you. Here's a link to the offical website you lazy bastard. Do I have to do everything for you?

http://www.cbc.ca/thehour/

Check it out? Back already? Good. Did you happen to notice the casual way in which George conducts interviews with fascinating people? His intimate relationship with the camera? His personal ramblings and general accessibility? It's almost like watching a close personal friend fumble brilliantly through an hour of television, after daring him to do it at a drunken party the night before.

This is Canada's own Jon Stewart at the top of his game. Mixing pop-culture with heady politics in a style all his own. Give an hour of your time to The Hour. You won't regret it.

Score: 12/12 CANADIAN monkeys

Psiphon

2006-12-03T16:56:00.000-08:00

Christmas is about to come a little bit early for millions of people around the world thanks to researchers from the University of Toronto's Citizen Lab. They are poised to stick a nifty little piece of software called Psiphon into the collective stockings of people living in totalitarian regimes.

Countries like China, Iran and Saudi Arabia have long been restricting access to much of the internet with nasty firewalls that keep their citizens from learning about little things like, oh...The Tiananmen Square massacre. This devious little fella' will allow users in those countries to "piggyback" into the 'net on the connections of those living in more open-minded countries like the United States and Canada. It's a simple idea, the kind of idea that makes you say things like:"Damn! That's so crazy it just might work..."

According to Ron Deibert, director of the Citizen Lab project it is very difficult -if not impossible- to detect, so nobody has to worry about the local thought police busting down their doors in the middle of the night.

Is anyone else really happy about this and proud to be a Canadian today? If you're not, then you damn well should be, skippy. This is a tiny step forward in what has otherwise been a whole lot of steps backward in the world lately. Information is indeed power and it's time to give a little bit of it back to the people.

Even if it doesn't work as advertised, it is -like many of the greatest Christmas gifts- the thought that counts.

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

2006-11-30T07:11:00.000-08:00

The Borat Trailer

Had enough of this guy yet? I sure haven't...

Directed by: Larry Charles
Starring: Sacha Baron Cohen

There seems to be two distinct schools of thought on the whole "Borat" phenomenon. One is that he is a complete buffon, generating cheap laughs at the expense of unwitting victims. The other is that he is a genius, ushering in a whole new era of comedy: The "Mockumentary". I have to admit that I am firmly entrenched in the latter camp.

Beneath the surface of the "cheap laughs" there exsists a sharp, often frightening look at human psychology. Mr. Cohen understands that people tend to let their guard down when confronted with someone who they percieve to be inferior. As in one chilling scene where an all-American good ole' boy matter-of-factly states that every muslim and homosexual in the USA should be rounded up and imprisoned/executed. Funny stuff right? Umm..Not so much.

Don't let the highbrow psycho-babble scare you off though, this is inspired comedy of the highest order. Just be aware that not everyone will appreciate the humor. Also be aware that there is a fight scene between two naked men that will haunt you for the rest of your days.

As Borat would say: "I like you, do you like me?" I sure do Borat. I sure do.

Score: 11/12 monkeys

Wild Fire

2006-11-30T06:30:00.000-08:00

Author: Nelson DeMille

Meet retired New York homicide detective John Corey. He's goofy, abrasive, socially inept and the ultimate alpha male. He's also one of the smartest, funniest, most endearing protagonists working in the modern thriller these days. Nelson DeMille rolls him out once more in this story about an insane multi-millionaire and his genocidal plan to solve the "terrorist problem" once and for all. He would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!

Actually, this is pretty freaky post-9/11 conspiracy theory stuff. DeMille claims that "Wild Fire" is the code name for a top secret govenment protocol that ensures the complete nuclear destruction of the entire Islamic world in the event that a weapon of mass destruction is ever used against the good ole' U.S of A.

Well, I for one am sure glad that they went into Iraq and got rid of those pesky weapons of mass destruction. They did get rid of them didn't they?

Score: 10/12 monkeys

Trainspotting

2006-11-13T14:03:00.000-08:00

Trainspotting

Heroine Addiction isn't cool, but it makes a GREAT movie.

Directed by: Danny Boyle
Based on the novel by Irvine Welsh

I couldn't let one more day go by without sharing with you one of the greatest movies of all time. Suffice it to say that if my love of movies could be compared to a slow burning campfire, this film was the gasoline, nay...the napalm that got dumped on to turn me into the movie-crazed fanatic that I am today.

Allow me to set the scene for you...A crisp fall day back in 1996. Burned out on "action" movies and unfunny comedies, I had begun to think of movies as nothing more than junkfood for the mind. Sure, they allowed us to escape from our mundane exsistance for a couple of hours, but they did nothing to challenge us. Then, on the advice of a friend, I picked up Trainspotting from my local video store, fully expecting to be turning it off about halfway through. After all, what was all this nonesense about some film festival in France, and who cares if this movie won just about every award there...What the hell do french people know anyhow?

As it turns out, the french know plenty about wine, and even more about movies. To this day I attribute Trainspotting as the movie that rekindled my love of movies. It turned my apathy into enthusiasm. It is just as fresh and relevant today as it was ten years ago. If you haven't yet seen it, then what the hell are you waiting for? If you have, then my hat is off to you; you know a good film when you see one.

Score: 12/12 monkeys (Yes, this movie DOES have a poop throwing scene! Bonus!)

Remembrance Day

2006-11-11T13:00:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting here beneath a sky the colour of raw slate, wondering what it must be like to be cut down by a bullet. To see the light go out of your best friend's eyes while you are trying to stop the bleeding with a dirty rag, all the while thanking some meciless god that it wasn't you; then living with the guilt of that for the rest of your life. To be ordered to sacrifice everything for a cause that you don't quite understand, for a faceless government that considers "losses of up to 30% within acceptable limits for this operation".

The problem is, I can't remember any of this. It is so far beyond my realm of experience, that the whole idea of a day devoted to remembering it seems almost comically absurd. In fact, why do I need to do any "remembering" anyway, when all this horror is going on right now.

A moment of silence for the fallen. A lifetime of outrage for those whose lives are still being thrown away in this disgusting fashion.

So let's all pay lip service to "Remebrance Day". If you asked me, we don't remember anything.

Art School Confidential

2006-11-09T11:50:00.000-08:00

Directed by: Terry Zwigoff
Cast: I'm not mentioning any names...*cough* John Malkovich *cough*...

Here is a brief synopsis of my reactions while watching this movie (in chronological order): "Oh, what a funny movie! That is so true, those pretentious artistic-types ARE all like that. This has John Malkovich in it? That's fantastic, he's such a great actor. Wait a second, what is this subplot about a strangler? What happened to all the jokes? Suicide?!? What the hell? That's horrible!"

To say this movie squanders its potential at about the mid-point is an understatement. If you listen close enough you can actually hear the writers running out of ideas about 40 minutes in. They abandon a smart, funny story about a young art student and his first year at art school for a dark, ridiculous story about an undercover cop investigating a murderer.

If you needed a paycheck this bad Malcovich, next time consider doing some ads for 1-800-COLLECT or Subway. Those commercials have more artistic merit than this piece of bathroom-stall graffiti.

Score: 2/12 monkeys

American Gods

2006-11-06T11:50:00.000-08:00

Author: Neil Gaiman

Do you remember that guy that you didn't hold the elevator for as he was struggling with all those bags? I have some bad news for you; he is a god. Note the non-capitalization. No "capital-G" gods around here, mister. In fact, according to Neil Gaiman gods are everywhere, they have been living among us since the first humans dragged the skulls of their prey back to their caves and worshipped them. Creepy, huh? Don't worry though, apparently America is not a very "healthy" place for the old gods like Thor and Kali. Due to the lack of goats/people being sacrificed in their name, they have been reduced to minmum wage slaves, two-bit hustlers and prostitutes. The new gods, however, have no such problems in this new land. The gods of television, technology, the internet and money are basking in the glory of this culture of greed and excess.

Reading this gave me the same feeling I can remember experiencing while reading "horror epics" like The Talisman by Stephen King, Carrion Comfort by Dan Simmons and even Swan Song by Robert R. McCammon. That feeling of being taken by the hand and led down a long, dark road full of nighmares. But at the end of that road you learn a little something about yourself. Like how you hate using metaphors about dark roads but you just couldn't think of anything else at the time. Damnit! There I go agian.

Score: 10/12 monkeys

The Greatest Line ever uttered on television?

2006-11-02T04:19:00.000-08:00

Perhaps the greatest line ever spoken on South Park

Satan isn't as bad as Paris Hilton and her ilk...

I know what you're thinking. Proclaiming something to be the greatest line ever spoken in the history of television is a pretty bold statement. One could make a pretty convincing arguement for classics like M.A.S.H, I Love Lucy, Seinfeld or (insert your favorite TV show here). I'm not here to argue the legitimacy of my claim. I'm here to tell you that I'm right and you're wrong. The above South Park episode "Hell on Earth 2006" contains a line that is so dry, so devious, so dripping with irony and pregnant with sarcasm that I nearly...Nay, I DID soil myself when I first heard it...

"Come on Helen, let's just go back to Hell; I'm suddenly not so hungry for Accura cake."

Taken out of context, it doesn't look like much. Hell, it's not even spoken by any of the show's "main" characters. It just sorta' slides into your subconscious when you first hear it, and sits there like a timed explosive. You might not even laugh until much later, whilst standing in line at the bank perhaps, or stuck in traffic on your way to work. But you WILL laugh, and when the strangers in line with you, or the guys you car pool with look at you like you're smoking crack and ask you what's so funny, they just won't understand and you may have to "take care of them" if you know what I mean. Perhaps I have said too much.

Episode: 8/12 monkeys
The Greatest Line Ever: 12/12 monkeys

Happy Devil's Night!

2006-10-30T12:20:00.000-08:00

One, Two, Freddy's coming for you....

Blood Red Sandman by Lordi

Happy Devil's Night! Unless you are one of "those people" who call it Angel's Night and patrol the streets armed with flashlights and two-way radios looking for a little mob justice. Well I got news for you Sally; this is the time of year for darkness, monsters and werewolves howling at the full moon. Save your pretentious take-back-the-night crap for Valentine's Day. For the rest of you who embrace the beastial pagan ritual of All Hallow's Eve here is a wonderful tribute to A Nightmare on Elm Street. You gotta love Freddy. No, seriously you GOTTA, or he'll come for you in your dreams. You know, the one where you show up at school and realize that you forgot to put on your pants, and Freddy's after you and a bunch of other stuff happens and you learn a lesson about the magic of sharing. Wait a second, that wasn't a dream at all. Where the hell was I?!?!

Wild Ducks Flying Backward

2006-10-27T07:27:00.000-07:00

Author: Tom Robbins

If you've never read anything by Tom Robbins then I pity you. I really do. In fact, this blog was almost entirely devoted to Tom Robbins, and if I didn't have this damn ADD, you'd be reading excerpts from Even Cowgirls Get the Blues rather than my super-sexy reviews right about now.

Mr. Robbins playful prose and liberal useage of metaphor, alliteration and anthropomorphism make reading his work feel like being hit in the head by a giant, goofy metaphysical mallet. You'll laugh out loud occasionally, grin like an idiot the whole time, and occasionally say to yourself: "Gosh, I never thought of it like THAT before..."

This collection of his short writings is a good place to start. It serves as a sort of Tom Robbins "primer". It should be said that not everyone will like this stuff. It's a bit of an acquired taste, much like most of the finer things in life like Guinness and midget wrestling. It should also be said that if you don't like it, you're a big-dumb-stupid-head, nobody likes you and you are going to die alone. Wild Ducks Flying Backwards scores a 13 out of 12. Not possible you say? I say that anything is possible, and it's my blog so I'll do whatever the hell I want.

Score: 13/12 monkeys

Aqua Teen Hunger Force

2006-10-24T15:18:00.000-07:00

All Hail Master Shake!

How can you not love a sociopathic milkshake?

Created by: Matt Maiellaro, Dave Willis

Burned out on The Simpsons and The Family Guy? South Park too tame for you? Have you ever fantasized that your whopper combo meal was talking to you? Never fear; The Aqua Teen Hunger Force has a place for you. Welcome Home.

The opening credits portray Frylock, Meatwad and "Master" Shake fighting crime, solving mysteries and triumphing over evil, which in itself is hilarious because they never really do any of those things. They just sorta' hang out around the house, occasionally try to kill each other and make life horrific for their neighbor, Carl. Are you laughing yet? If not then your inner child is truly dead.

Score: 9/12 monkeys